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Scarlet Alexis
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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 03:59 PM
  #1
Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for listening to this! I'm sorry it's long.

I'm stressed by my family of origin right now, particularly my brother. I've thought we've had at least a decent relationship, although only talking on the phone every couple months or so. He has lived far away for over 15 years, but he and his wife planning to move back to my town. My parents also live in this town, so all of us will be in the same area.
He talks to my mom but never initiates contact with me. So I happened to find out he was moving from my mother. My mom loves being the gatekeeper of information, and has frequently withheld important family info from me in order to put me at a disadvantage, cast a bad light on me, etc.

(I have had to put some distance between myself and my mother because she frequently gaslights and says things to try to get a reaction out of me. My therapist at the time said she thought my mother was jealous out of me, and that my mother has no empathy. My father just sides with my mother. So I've kept distance, just occasional emails and not much more).

My brother usually asks before booking a flight to our town to see if I am available. But he didn't this time, just notified me he's on the way. I have no idea if he asked my mother to pass the message along (she didn't). So I'm working long hours every day except one for the week he will be here. Also, I'm not vaccinated, so that's also a concern.

So I'm wondering why he's been so thoughtless, since I gave him lots of notice when I wanted to fly out to visit him (like 2 months, working around HIS schedule). He said that he wants to live closer to Mom and Dad since they're getting older. That's fine, and I would love to see him more when he does move. But my Mom "fakes" some dementia in order to get attention. She now has the habit of inserting "I don't remember" into lots of her conversation, but when asked what she did yesterday, she can describe recent history in lengthy detail. I am allowing for some slight dementia, but she's also faking it, and she has my brother fooled.

I'm a nervous wreck about why my brother is really going to be flying in. I tried to call him and will have to call back. I'm nervous about triangulation and my mother trying to get us in a fight with each other for her entertainment, or even worse. I'm already starting to have a weird feeling about what is going on.

He isn't moving to my town to be nearer to me; he's moving to be closer to our parents. His apparent disregard feels cold and makes me very very nervous.

I can't tell him this, just have to ask what his plans are, and that I only have one day off. But I am a major wreck!

Thank you for listening!
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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 04:58 PM
  #2
So Sorry things are hard. Why can't you tell him about your concerns? i think talking to him may prove Hopefully Beneficial. Is there any personal reason for that? Talk to him if possible. In any case definitely wait to see what his plans are. i Hope things will go well and that your relationship with your own mother will improve. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Scarlet Alexis, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 11:50 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
So Sorry things are hard. Why can't you tell him about your concerns? i think talking to him may prove Hopefully Beneficial. Is there any personal reason for that? Talk to him if possible. In any case definitely wait to see what his plans are. i Hope things will go well and that your relationship with your own mother will improve. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Scarlet Alexis, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
Thank you MickeyCheeky for your kind words. I really appreciate that!
You are right--I was able to reach my brother by phone and at least spoke about some of my concerns. Some of it is better than I thought, so that's good! My brother says my mother is not speaking badly about me, so I guess that's good.

I'm disappointed because my brother has been making a lot of major life changes very quickly, and it didn't seem to occur to him that he might need to see if I could get any time off work or even if I had gotten vaccinated before spontaneously booking a flight out here. He talks to my parents every week, so they all knew my brother was going to visit, but left me out of the discussion. I'm just really really hurt. It seems if he really cared about getting to see me, he would have asked me. I can't decide if I think he's an idiot or too self-absorbed or considers me lesser than or what. But just because he says "Jump (in other words, drop everything to entertain him during a pandemic)" doesn't mean I have to say "how high?" I'm so anxious about him bringing coronavirus from the plane that I may not even spend time with him the one day I have free. I'm just very very sad at not being enough of a consideration to him. I thought I had more value to him than that.

Even before this, some of my extended family has also revealed more of their true colors during this pandemic. I am just very very sad. It's been difficult to experience so many family members being unkind. It is a loss.

I really appreciate any folks who took the time to read my post, because I know it was long.
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Default Apr 15, 2021 at 05:37 AM
  #4
I wish I knew what to say, but I’m glad you got at least a few concerns alleviated. The lack of consideration would bother me, too, pandemic or not. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, it sounds horrible.
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Default Apr 15, 2021 at 09:32 AM
  #5
Thank you @RoxanneToto. That is so kind of you!
That means a lot, and I appreciate your supportive words!
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