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TishaBuv
It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
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#41
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__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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AzulOscuro
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AzulOscuro
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Alive99
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#42
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That subset of emotions is those emotions and feelings that truly are fleeting. Those don't require a deep solution, you can just ignore them yes, and they pass and you just do whatever, while ignoring them. If you get enough rest and relaxation, then you don't lose energy either from ignoring these fleeting emotions. The problem is when you do have to go deeper for a solution for the emotion. And then it's not an emotion that will just pass. I really want to ask one of these DBT therapists about what DBT says about that case. |
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AzulOscuro
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#43
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Said that, I understand what you say, an emotion is gonna pass by but what can we do with it. Sure it will come back. What I see as an opportunity is that once it passes by, you will have a time to see things in a more objective way. You will have the opportunity to see the whole picture and from this, make decisions with a colder head. Maybe not at the first attempt but future ones. I haven’t done DBT, I want to make it clear. Only an approach to Mindfulness with my last psychologist. __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON) |
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Alive99, TishaBuv, TunedOut
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#44
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That's cool. I don't actually have a stoic philosophy for my life in general but I have elements of it Iguess. Quote:
Yeah, it just seems like for me it takes forever when it's about personal issues. Also I think you are talking about emotion that is being expressed? Because that is when it's like having a colder head afterwards. But I don't even express and that makes the emotions prolonged too and they "pass" even slower. Like I have to sit on it for days before it "passes" and I can't even do work for days then. Then deadlines pile up and ugh. I don't express them because I don't have IRL friends left and I can't burden my family so I can't express the emotions often. And if I do end up expressing sometimes, on my own, or sometimes to family or something, then I only pick up a little piece of the puzzle that got really complex over the years lol. Quote:
I haven't either, I have the DBT workbooks but I haven't done it with a therapist. I looked in the workbooks but I haven't found anything for my issue with expressing. It seems to be for people who express emotions easily and regularly. |
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Grand Magnate
AzulOscuro
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#45
Yes, interesting what you point it out.
I think it’ the same. What counts, in my own opinion and experience, is what you do with these emotions. I went to phases where I kept them for myself and they poisoned me. They made me to even distrust people who were and are very close to me. I didn’t know to handle them, give me a time and express them in a good manner. Anyway, maybe, we were not talking about the same. Because, now that you mention about emotion that are always present I can now agree with you. I have an emotion that won’t ever pass, fear (unjustified fear). __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON) |
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TunedOut
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Alive99, TunedOut
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#46
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I'm very interested in this. How did you get past this problem? I think former "best friend" probably had this too. It poisoned not only her but her relationship too with me. And probably with everyone else too How do you express them now where you couldn't before? Do you share them with close friends, romantic partner, family? Quote:
They are not literally always present for me but yes they can last for days. (I just block them out and don't feel them at first but they affect me anyway) I think there are lots of good therapies to work on fears, anxieties. |
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TishaBuv
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#47
This is to give you background on my issues—I have had the same issue going on for 25 years. . This is the main issue with me, all other struggles I’ve had likely stem from this on-going one. It’s a bad marriage. The trigger is about intimacy. This is the main, if not only, real trigger in our otherwise good relationship.
So, when I get triggered and have to let the emotion pass, it does pass until I am triggered yet again. At times, I suffered intense depression for days, then the emotion lifted on its own. At times now, I get triggered (trauma reaction), and I remove myself from the room and let it pass. I have not ended the marriage because I am torn as to how much of the problem stems from me having a disorder. One psychiatrist told me I ‘probably never would have been happy with anyone’. So, what the point of going it alone in life now? I’m scared. I’m lonely in it and lonely out of it. I can make better of my life in the relationship with or without him. Honestly, IDK what will happen moving forward. We’ve been apart this week, on separate vacations, and maybe he’ll call it quits if I don’t first. I’m heartbroken it’s been so bad. It affected our kids. We’re all a bit messed up. It’s not all my fault nor his. It just sucks. But, I digress… the intense emotions are temporary in those moments. Although they keep recurring, they do pass. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Alive99, AzulOscuro, Breaking Dawn, TunedOut
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TishaBuv
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#48
@Alive99 I just wanted to add this, which pertains to your thread about friendship, but didn’t want to derail yours and make it about me—
The two best friends from childhood— One, bff 4-6 grade, had actually kind of dumped me for a new friend she made and liked better. She didn’t exclude me from being with the her new better best friend , but I was then the third wheel. I didn’t really like the girl, thought she was super immature and annoying. The other, bff age 2-college roommate, had friction with my college boyfriend, so she distanced from us. After that, we moved away and lost touch for years. I later learned she had slept with my high school bf and had a relationship (the extent IDK) with my college bf behind my back. I tried to reconnect with her when I was newly married, but she basically blew me off. Now, in my own defense regarding me having an emotional disorder… I think I handled these rejections with much grace. I think I showed high emotional intelligence. Heck, it took me a while to even recall how these relationships truly ended just now! __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Alive99, Breaking Dawn, TunedOut
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Alive99
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#49
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Ah. What is this intimacy trigger? Is he like cold and unresponsive to you? Or is this something entirely different? Quote:
I see, yeah, Ive been low for days too about things before but I don't want my life to be like that. That is exactly what I mean by, it passes too slowly, I lose too much time, it gets in the way too much, for too long. So the idea that it will pass doesn't help me whatsoever. Quote:
I think that psychiatrist was horribly unprofessional. Unfortunately, those exist. Tbh I really don't see how you having an emotional disorder matters when it comes to how you feel in the marriage. Quote:
Yeah it sounds like it sucks a lot. Really hope you'll be OK moving forward here. Quote:
Thank for the stories. Somehow it helps reading about these things. Maybe it gives me perspective. PS: I haven't yet noticed your emotional disorder on here. |
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TishaBuv
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TishaBuv
It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
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#50
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__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Alive99
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Alive99
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Grand Magnate
AzulOscuro
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#51
I was wrong. I had the idea that there were more communication problems with your husband than the intimacy thing. I’n not diminishing this problem, only that I thought you didn’t understand each other at any level.
Have you guys talked about going to couple therapy? What was the psychiatrist was referring to when (s)he says it will happen the same to you with any partner? __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON) |
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TishaBuv
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#52
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The psychiatrist was referring to my having unstable interpersonal relationships. It’s been too hard for me to get to the truth about what is ‘wrong’ with me, how much of it is coming from me vs. how much comes from the other person. I’m too obsessed with trying to figure this out, and the answers are elusive. Again, best to disengage. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Alive99
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Alive99
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#53
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Glad if I could help. What you say here makes sense, yes! Quote:
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Tbh, another way to put it.... my brain just stonewalls on the emotions to avoid the flood. I can see it sometimes that I do actually have some very bad negative emotion, I get a glimpse of it and then my brain stonewalls on it instantly. Because um, I don't have thoughts to fix the emotions in those moments. That is what I am trying to work on too, to have thoughts from more emotional* and psychological processing. *: When the emotions do finally come up then I'm forced to deal with them by finding thoughts, solutions to not drown in the stuff. The psychological (mental) processing I am able to do while the emotions are blocked. That helps too, as preparation, and I can use that preparation whenever I eventually get to them ..... Quote:
Like with your husband? Did he like overgeneralise from that quickly? It sounds like that to me because this psychiatrist was specifically referring to romantic relationships, right? He could use some CBT therapy himself To learn about his own thinking distortions, such as overgeneralising. Quote:
And yeah if it's blame like that then yep, disengaging is the right response for it. Lol your thread helped me do it too!! |
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TishaBuv
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TishaBuv
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#54
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__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Alive99
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Alive99
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#55
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Oh no, typical guy stuff. Sorry I'm not trying to minimise the issue. I've just seen enough guys doing that too around me LOL Quote:
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I frankly think not a lot of relationships are that quality/truly close. (Maybe I said this before in my thread on it lol) I think that's understandable really, it's hard to do really good relationships. It takes a lot more psychoeducation. It's not taught in school!! Quote:
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My point is: You don't need to "correct" yourself. You just want to feel better, do things that are to your benefit, to be happy. I hope you'll get there. |
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TishaBuv
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TishaBuv
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TishaBuv
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#56
MI is mental illness. It was a tragic situation with my dad.
I did not think anything of past trauma or my mental health until the relationship got so unstable I had to see psychiatrists/psychologists. I have been obsessed with trying to figure it all out. Thanks for the advice to disengage! __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Alive99
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#57
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I am sorry about your dad. And with this marriage, maybe you two really just don't fit together well, if you never had to think about trauma and mental health in other relationships before this one. Like it's definitely not about you, it's either about him or the particular way you two fit/don't fit together in a close relationship. I think I mentioned that before, that I think this is the most likely. Just my opinion of course, as an outsider on a forum |
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TishaBuv
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#58
I'll try and make this opinion really all-encompassing.... So it's like.
It's very possible that it's neither of you. And that it's not solely the way you fit or don't fit. That would be one part of it, like I said that thing about some people handling the worst side of us better than others. Or there is the factor of good chemistry and all that. But it could be that you two were a moderately good fit, or even a very good fit and then life stresses would be wearing down the relationship without enough support. Like.... no psychoeducation in school about how to do marriage with a person very different from you (of the opposite sex), or any other support, from a good support network, both for you and for him. Or enough financial support, with economic difficulties or covid lockdowns now. And so on. So, all that together could be it. Sorry if this sounds trivial. I just think that looking inside ourselves does not solve everything, it is of course needed but we have to look outside too, around us to see what factors are at play beyond our own internals. You seem stuck at examining your insides looking at your own role, not getting anywhere and this may be (part of) the reason for it. I hope this helps a little. |
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TishaBuv
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TishaBuv
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#59
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You mentioned in a friendship you show each other your worst qualities. I haven’t found that to be true in my friendships. With a friend, I keep more boundaries, so my worst does not show as we don’t get that close. It’s always on a more polite level. But in a marriage, yes, our worst qualities can’t be contained! I am trying very hard to contain my worst by walking away and disengaging. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Alive99
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#60
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You accidentally mentioned something here that I found really helpful. You said that you don't get that close with friends. And yeah, I think I didn't have an actually quality friendship so I don't really know when these "friends" would get too close to me. Especially the "best friend". Like they would ask for too much help and stuff. And then would eventually show their worst sides and stuff like that, yeah. I don't understand how that happened. I do know when it was when she pulled me into her issues with drama. But I don't understand how it could even happen in the first place. I always explained it away to myself with "she was in a really really bad place so she just tried to find help wherever she could". But with your note, it just doesn't seem to make sense anymore, this explanation. Yeah, I don't know what this was. As for your disengaging: yeah it sounds like a good direction ...maybe the problem with marriage is seeing each other too much so it's hard to hide the worst sides, especially with lockdown lol But I hope your husband is also trying to do the disengaging. Or it would be pretty imbalanced eventually. |
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