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Default Jun 13, 2021 at 08:30 PM
  #41
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Originally Posted by AzulOscuro View Post
By the way, a very interesting thread, Tisha.
I guess we all share similar experiences or had to face to similar situations.

At a different level, I’m convinced we all have to face to daily situations when we feel triggered and have to manage our reactions.

Gonna tell you an example, nothing to do with a deep concern as dealing with a loved person as your husband. But, a strange in the street. A woman was walking her dog (she seemed not to be very skilful
with it) so she got angry at me because her dod wanted to meet my doggies that were without a leash. She got all angry and yelled out something like ( This f@cking bit$ is not gonna tie her doggies). I went all shocked but I said nothing. I thought: She has a bad day, sure. And I felt so good for not responding to her. She even cursed me. And I’m a temperamental person (I have gypsy blood running through my veins) but I didn’t want to go
through a hard moment or losing time by getting upset. I had my kids (doggies) to enjoy with. This person had problems. I’m sure she didn’t mean what she said. Something made her say what she said. It was about her, not me.
That’s good how you had control to resist getting into an argument with her.

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Default Jun 13, 2021 at 08:37 PM
  #42
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I see a therapist and he is teaching me to simply not react. He says to just feel those emotions, identify them, and let them pass. They are just emotions and they always do pass. This has been very hard to do when those emotions cause a panic fight/flight response. I am getting better at it. But— I still can’t get past what triggers me and overcome it. Though, I am getting better at not letting it get the best of me emotionally.

I learned about DBT from others on here. They say it is a course. I’ll have to look into doing it. Dialectical Behavior Training.
OK one more thing. My whole issue with this DBT idea of "emotions pass" is that this is only true of a subset of emotions. I don't like how it generalises to all emotions with that.

That subset of emotions is those emotions and feelings that truly are fleeting. Those don't require a deep solution, you can just ignore them yes, and they pass and you just do whatever, while ignoring them. If you get enough rest and relaxation, then you don't lose energy either from ignoring these fleeting emotions.

The problem is when you do have to go deeper for a solution for the emotion. And then it's not an emotion that will just pass.

I really want to ask one of these DBT therapists about what DBT says about that case.
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Default Jun 13, 2021 at 08:59 PM
  #43
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Oh, that's cool that it's better now. Hope it stays that way. Maybe you getting support from the therapist helps, like maybe you are not looking for it with your husband instead?


When I'm able to call an emotion bull**** it disengages me actually. Because I know why it's bull****.

But I have to first know that, yeah.





Yeah, for me the problem is if it takes too long to figure out the emotion and it takes me long for sure when it comes to personal matters......And while I'm figuring it out it does get in the way and that's a problem. So for that, this idea of "this is just an emotion and it will pass" does not work for me because it does GET IN THE WAY while it's there, while it doesn't pass, it is several hours per day and it means I have to wait until the evening or even until the night before I'm able to work without the emotions being in the way.

This dilemma/issue I don't see answered by this idea "it's just an emotion and it will pass"

It's very practical consequences, missing deadlines and the like.



Yeah the whole "emotions will pass" idea is from the distress tolerance thingy in DBT.

My issue isn't distress tolerance though. It's these practical consequences.

And I was so disoriented before about what's even going on that I didn't realise for a million years until I finally did recently, that the DBT workbooks and similar books talk about being "uncomfortable".

Uncomfortable?! Man... it's not about that for me. If these emotions were just uncomfortable, I'd be FINE. Lol that just sounds like an everyday problem, uncomfortable feelings, emotions to endure. No big deal.


But the actually problematic emotions get in the way and are hard to move out of the way. Hard because if I try, without knowing why the emotion is even there, then it requires an insane amount of energy that I just don't have normally, it requires me to mobilise emergence resources and you are not supposed nor able to use those resources constantly...... You can imagine.

So that's my problem, not that they are "uncomfortable". Lol when is it even a problem that something is uncomfortable.

But trying to move emotion out of the way without knowing how to do that effectively, it's the problem. If you don't know how to do it effectively is when it's gonna require a crazy amount of energy. I am doing it right now as I am trying to work atm. It still makes my stomach muscles sore.


So emotional dysregulation from cPTSD isn't easy or fun, lol.

Yes I'm discovering slowly why the emotions are there, what they really are about, but that takes very long for me for these personal matters. .... But when I know these things is when I'm able to effectively manage / move the emotions out of the way like that


***

BTW. As for DBT.... I compared it to stoicism here: https://mysupportforums.org/7082825-post20.html


What do you think? Do you like any of that?
I like you mentioned stoicism because Stoic school of Philosophy was always the one I always felt more appealing for me. 😀

Said that, I understand what you say, an emotion is gonna pass by but what can we do with it. Sure it will come back. What I see as an opportunity is that once it passes by, you will have a time to see things in a more objective way. You will have the opportunity to see the whole picture and from this, make decisions with a colder head. Maybe not at the first attempt but future ones.

I haven’t done DBT, I want to make it
clear. Only an approach to Mindfulness with my last psychologist.

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Default Jun 13, 2021 at 09:11 PM
  #44
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Originally Posted by AzulOscuro View Post
I like you mentioned stoicism because Stoic school of Philosophy was always the one I always felt more appealing for me. 😀

That's cool. I don't actually have a stoic philosophy for my life in general but I have elements of it Iguess.


Quote:
Said that, I understand what you say, an emotion is gonna pass by but what can we do with it. Sure it will come back. What I see as an opportunity is that once it passes by, you will have a time to see things in a more objective way. You will have the opportunity to see the whole picture and from this, make decisions with a colder head. Maybe not at the first attempt but future ones.

Yeah, it just seems like for me it takes forever when it's about personal issues.

Also I think you are talking about emotion that is being expressed? Because that is when it's like having a colder head afterwards.


But I don't even express and that makes the emotions prolonged too and they "pass" even slower. Like I have to sit on it for days before it "passes" and I can't even do work for days then. Then deadlines pile up and ugh.


I don't express them because I don't have IRL friends left and I can't burden my family so I can't express the emotions often.


And if I do end up expressing sometimes, on my own, or sometimes to family or something, then I only pick up a little piece of the puzzle that got really complex over the years lol.



Quote:
I haven’t done DBT, I want to make it
clear. Only an approach to Mindfulness with my last psychologist.

I haven't either, I have the DBT workbooks but I haven't done it with a therapist. I looked in the workbooks but I haven't found anything for my issue with expressing. It seems to be for people who express emotions easily and regularly.
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Default Jun 13, 2021 at 09:38 PM
  #45
Yes, interesting what you point it out.
I think it’ the same. What counts, in my own opinion and experience, is what you do with these emotions.

I went to phases where I kept them for myself and they poisoned me. They made me to even distrust people who were and are very close to me.
I didn’t know to handle them, give me a time and express them in a good manner.

Anyway, maybe, we were not talking about the same. Because, now that you mention about emotion that are always present I can now agree with you. I have an emotion that won’t ever pass, fear (unjustified fear).

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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 08:32 AM
  #46
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Originally Posted by AzulOscuro View Post
Yes, interesting what you point it out.
I think it’ the same. What counts, in my own opinion and experience, is what you do with these emotions.

I went to phases where I kept them for myself and they poisoned me. They made me to even distrust people who were and are very close to me.
I didn’t know to handle them, give me a time and express them in a good manner.

I'm very interested in this. How did you get past this problem? I think former "best friend" probably had this too. It poisoned not only her but her relationship too with me. And probably with everyone else too

How do you express them now where you couldn't before? Do you share them with close friends, romantic partner, family?



Quote:
Anyway, maybe, we were not talking about the same. Because, now that you mention about emotion that are always present I can now agree with you. I have an emotion that won’t ever pass, fear (unjustified fear).

They are not literally always present for me but yes they can last for days. (I just block them out and don't feel them at first but they affect me anyway)

I think there are lots of good therapies to work on fears, anxieties.
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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 08:51 AM
  #47
This is to give you background on my issues—I have had the same issue going on for 25 years. . This is the main issue with me, all other struggles I’ve had likely stem from this on-going one. It’s a bad marriage. The trigger is about intimacy. This is the main, if not only, real trigger in our otherwise good relationship.

So, when I get triggered and have to let the emotion pass, it does pass until I am triggered yet again. At times, I suffered intense depression for days, then the emotion lifted on its own. At times now, I get triggered (trauma reaction), and I remove myself from the room and let it pass.

I have not ended the marriage because I am torn as to how much of the problem stems from me having a disorder. One psychiatrist told me I ‘probably never would have been happy with anyone’. So, what the point of going it alone in life now? I’m scared. I’m lonely in it and lonely out of it. I can make better of my life in the relationship with or without him.

Honestly, IDK what will happen moving forward. We’ve been apart this week, on separate vacations, and maybe he’ll call it quits if I don’t first. I’m heartbroken it’s been so bad. It affected our kids. We’re all a bit messed up. It’s not all my fault nor his. It just sucks.

But, I digress… the intense emotions are temporary in those moments. Although they keep recurring, they do pass.

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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 09:50 AM
  #48
@Alive99 I just wanted to add this, which pertains to your thread about friendship, but didn’t want to derail yours and make it about me—

The two best friends from childhood— One, bff 4-6 grade, had actually kind of dumped me for a new friend she made and liked better. She didn’t exclude me from being with the her new better best friend , but I was then the third wheel. I didn’t really like the girl, thought she was super immature and annoying. The other, bff age 2-college roommate, had friction with my college boyfriend, so she distanced from us. After that, we moved away and lost touch for years. I later learned she had slept with my high school bf and had a relationship (the extent IDK) with my college bf behind my back. I tried to reconnect with her when I was newly married, but she basically blew me off.

Now, in my own defense regarding me having an emotional disorder… I think I handled these rejections with much grace. I think I showed high emotional intelligence. Heck, it took me a while to even recall how these relationships truly ended just now!

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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 03:26 PM
  #49
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
This is to give you background on my issues—I have had the same issue going on for 25 years. . This is the main issue with me, all other struggles I’ve had likely stem from this on-going one. It’s a bad marriage. The trigger is about intimacy. This is the main, if not only, real trigger in our otherwise good relationship

Ah. What is this intimacy trigger? Is he like cold and unresponsive to you? Or is this something entirely different?



Quote:
So, when I get triggered and have to let the emotion pass, it does pass until I am triggered yet again. At times, I suffered intense depression for days, then the emotion lifted on its own. At times now, I get triggered (trauma reaction), and I remove myself from the room and let it pass.

I see, yeah, Ive been low for days too about things before but I don't want my life to be like that. That is exactly what I mean by, it passes too slowly, I lose too much time, it gets in the way too much, for too long. So the idea that it will pass doesn't help me whatsoever.



Quote:
I have not ended the marriage because I am torn as to how much of the problem stems from me having a disorder. One psychiatrist told me I ‘probably never would have been happy with anyone’. So, what the point of going it alone in life now? I’m scared. I’m lonely in it and lonely out of it. I can make better of my life in the relationship with or without him.

I think that psychiatrist was horribly unprofessional. Unfortunately, those exist.

Tbh I really don't see how you having an emotional disorder matters when it comes to how you feel in the marriage. Disengaging



Quote:
Honestly, IDK what will happen moving forward. We’ve been apart this week, on separate vacations, and maybe he’ll call it quits if I don’t first. I’m heartbroken it’s been so bad. It affected our kids. We’re all a bit messed up. It’s not all my fault nor his. It just sucks.

But, I digress… the intense emotions are temporary in those moments. Although they keep recurring, they do pass.

Yeah it sounds like it sucks a lot. Really hope you'll be OK moving forward here.



Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
@Alive99 I just wanted to add this, which pertains to your thread about friendship, but didn’t want to derail yours and make it about me—

The two best friends from childhood— One, bff 4-6 grade, had actually kind of dumped me for a new friend she made and liked better. She didn’t exclude me from being with the her new better best friend , but I was then the third wheel. I didn’t really like the girl, thought she was super immature and annoying. The other, bff age 2-college roommate, had friction with my college boyfriend, so she distanced from us. After that, we moved away and lost touch for years. I later learned she had slept with my high school bf and had a relationship (the extent IDK) with my college bf behind my back. I tried to reconnect with her when I was newly married, but she basically blew me off.

Now, in my own defense regarding me having an emotional disorder… I think I handled these rejections with much grace. I think I showed high emotional intelligence. Heck, it took me a while to even recall how these relationships truly ended just now!

Thank for the stories. Somehow it helps reading about these things. Maybe it gives me perspective.

PS: I haven't yet noticed your emotional disorder on here.
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Default Jun 15, 2021 at 10:54 AM
  #50
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Ah. What is this intimacy trigger? Is he like cold and unresponsive to you? Or is this something entirely different?
^He is preoccupied with his media distractions and negative obsessive anxiety thoughts. He and I have never been able to work out a way that we mutually enjoy regarding the initiation of intimacy. It turned into a cycle of emotional abuse. Part of my concern is I have a history of trauma and think I am adding to this cycle and that’s where I think a disorder comes into play. But he is definitely doing his part in a bad way and unable to learn and repair it. The more we have tried to fix it, the worse it has gotten.




I see, yeah, Ive been low for days too about things before but I don't want my life to be like that. That is exactly what I mean by, it passes too slowly, I lose too much time, it gets in the way too much, for too long. So the idea that it will pass doesn't help me whatsoever.
^It is helping me to know in the moment of panic that the feelings will pass. It’s like someone who gets caught in an undertow in the ocean and starts struggling to stay afloat, knowing that the waters will subside soon and they will not drown.




I think that psychiatrist was horribly unprofessional. Unfortunately, those exist.
^Thank you for this. I think it was horrible, too. I drove home hysterically crying and never went back there. It has weighed on my mind heavily because I fear she may be right.

Tbh I really don't see how you having an emotional disorder matters when it comes to how you feel in the marriage. Disengaging
^Thank you so much for this! I don’t have this trauma reaction across the board from anything else, only this one thing (and the he doesn’t have my back thing) with him




Yeah it sounds like it sucks a lot. Really hope you'll be OK moving forward here.





Thank for the stories. Somehow it helps reading about these things. Maybe it gives me perspective.

PS: I haven't yet noticed your emotional disorder on here.
^Thank you so, so much for this! I get along well with just about everybody and don’t lose it aside from the triggers from these very specific things! Thank you for seeing this and giving me validation!

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Default Jun 15, 2021 at 02:53 PM
  #51
I was wrong. I had the idea that there were more communication problems with your husband than the intimacy thing. I’n not diminishing this problem, only that I thought you didn’t understand each other at any level.

Have you guys talked about going to couple therapy?

What was the psychiatrist was referring to when (s)he says it will happen the same to you with any partner?

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Default Jun 15, 2021 at 05:40 PM
  #52
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I was wrong. I had the idea that there were more communication problems with your husband than the intimacy thing. I’n not diminishing this problem, only that I thought you didn’t understand each other at any level.

Have you guys talked about going to couple therapy?

What was the psychiatrist was referring to when (s)he says it will happen the same to you with any partner?
We are in couples therapy.

The psychiatrist was referring to my having unstable interpersonal relationships.

It’s been too hard for me to get to the truth about what is ‘wrong’ with me, how much of it is coming from me vs. how much comes from the other person. I’m too obsessed with trying to figure this out, and the answers are elusive.

Again, best to disengage.

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Default Jun 16, 2021 at 01:03 PM
  #53
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^Thank you so, so much for this! I get along well with just about everybody and don’t lose it aside from the triggers from these very specific things! Thank you for seeing this and giving me validation!

Glad if I could help.

What you say here makes sense, yes!



Quote:
^He is preoccupied with his media distractions and negative obsessive anxiety thoughts. He and I have never been able to work out a way that we mutually enjoy regarding the initiation of intimacy. It turned into a cycle of emotional abuse. Part of my concern is I have a history of trauma and think I am adding to this cycle and that’s where I think a disorder comes into play. But he is definitely doing his part in a bad way and unable to learn and repair it. The more we have tried to fix it, the worse it has gotten.
Hmm. If you mean initiation of physical intimacy, I'm not going to pry about that of course. But if it is about emotional intimacy, if you don't mind saying more on it I'd be interested. Maybe it would help. And media distractions, do you mean he spends time with online stuff rather than with you?



Quote:
^It is helping me to know in the moment of panic that the feelings will pass. It’s like someone who gets caught in an undertow in the ocean and starts struggling to stay afloat, knowing that the waters will subside soon and they will not drown.
Ah that makes sense, yes. Yeah, that actually explains everything lol!! Thank you. That was a great description really. So I didn't understand these articles/books before because I don't experience my emotions in this way. What I do have with the emotions, it's more like, my brain puts that block on them so I do not feel the emotion flood like you described it but they do get in the way in this manner and then that takes forever to get past. I don't remember if I said this in this thread (I'm tired) but frankly, if I'm past the block and I have the strong emotions, I'm already good or will be good soon. I will deal with them OK. But it's just, takes time to get there.

Tbh, another way to put it.... my brain just stonewalls on the emotions to avoid the flood. I can see it sometimes that I do actually have some very bad negative emotion, I get a glimpse of it and then my brain stonewalls on it instantly. Because um, I don't have thoughts to fix the emotions in those moments. That is what I am trying to work on too, to have thoughts from more emotional* and psychological processing.

*: When the emotions do finally come up then I'm forced to deal with them by finding thoughts, solutions to not drown in the stuff. The psychological (mental) processing I am able to do while the emotions are blocked. That helps too, as preparation, and I can use that preparation whenever I eventually get to them .....


Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
The psychiatrist was referring to my having unstable interpersonal relationships.

Like with your husband? Did he like overgeneralise from that quickly? It sounds like that to me because this psychiatrist was specifically referring to romantic relationships, right? He could use some CBT therapy himself To learn about his own thinking distortions, such as overgeneralising.



Quote:
It’s been too hard for me to get to the truth about what is ‘wrong’ with me, how much of it is coming from me vs. how much comes from the other person. I’m too obsessed with trying to figure this out, and the answers are elusive.

Again, best to disengage.
Are you taking blame from others / from your husband? Even if subconsciously? Because in my experience, this obsession comes from having taken up the blame subconsciously when others find it too comfortable to accuse you of stuff. Or maybe it was the psychiatrist, he also sounds like he was too comfortable with accusing you instead of a constructive and professional approach.

And yeah if it's blame like that then yep, disengaging is the right response for it. Lol your thread helped me do it too!!
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Default Jun 16, 2021 at 01:38 PM
  #54
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Glad if I could help.

What you say here makes sense, yes!



Hmm. If you mean initiation of physical intimacy, I'm not going to pry about that of course. But if it is about emotional intimacy, if you don't mind saying more on it I'd be interested. Maybe it would help. And media distractions, do you mean he spends time with online stuff rather than with you?
^He sits with me in front of the tv while he is also on his iphone. Life is soooooo dull!

^It’s about physical intimacy. I thought all was fine in the beginning, then issues started, and we never worked them out. Having looked back on my life prior to him (met at age 26), I had some issues with other guys, but just thought they weren’t for me and that was normal…now, I’m not so sure.

Ah that makes sense, yes. Yeah, that actually explains everything lol!! Thank you. That was a great description really. So I didn't understand these articles/books before because I don't experience my emotions in this way. What I do have with the emotions, it's more like, my brain puts that block on them so I do not feel the emotion flood like you described it but they do get in the way in this manner and then that takes forever to get past. I don't remember if I said this in this thread (I'm tired) but frankly, if I'm past the block and I have the strong emotions, I'm already good or will be good soon. I will deal with them OK. But it's just, takes time to get there.

Tbh, another way to put it.... my brain just stonewalls on the emotions to avoid the flood. I can see it sometimes that I do actually have some very bad negative emotion, I get a glimpse of it and then my brain stonewalls on it instantly. Because um, I don't have thoughts to fix the emotions in those moments. That is what I am trying to work on too, to have thoughts from more emotional* and psychological processing.
^I feel and can recognize exactly what emotions I am feeling. I have a hard time holding back and that’s what brings about the hysterical crying. Now I am trying to just walk away and not go down the well of those emotions. It’s working. Maybe I cried myself out.

*: When the emotions do finally come up then I'm forced to deal with them by finding thoughts, solutions to not drown in the stuff. The psychological (mental) processing I am able to do while the emotions are blocked. That helps too, as preparation, and I can use that preparation whenever I eventually get to them .....




Like with your husband? Did he like overgeneralise from that quickly? It sounds like that to me because this psychiatrist was specifically referring to romantic relationships, right? He could use some CBT therapy himself To learn about his own thinking distortions, such as overgeneralising.
^I had trauma since young childhood; a verbally abusive mother, a MI father who died. When I tell this to a therapist, I instantly get the ‘attachment issue’ diagnosis. I had strange friendships that were not necessarily unhealthy, just that I am attracted to them. I had boyfriends before marriage that were also strange, not entirely bad…just not so good for me. Again, I’ve been attracted to that and one must wonder why. So, I get thrown into the ‘difficult interpersonal relationships’ diagnosis because I have/do have them. My mother is likely someone with a disorder but wouldn’t hear of anyone criticizing her in any way. She, my husband, and some of my family members I call ‘empathy challenged’.



Are you taking blame from others / from your husband? Even if subconsciously? Because in my experience, this obsession comes from having taken up the blame subconsciously when others find it too comfortable to accuse you of stuff. Or maybe it was the psychiatrist, he also sounds like he was too comfortable with accusing you instead of a constructive and professional approach.
^I felt she was a real B. What a horrible, unhelpful, callous thing for a therapist to say! Did she want me to feel hopeless? It stuck under my skin because I am very sensitive and I give credence to her expert opinion.

And yeah if it's blame like that then yep, disengaging is the right response for it. Lol your thread helped me do it too!!
I just need to make myself happy. I am diligently working on my attitude to help myself grow and be more well-rounded as a person. I tend to be too dependent on others (also a trait of a disorder).

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Default Jun 16, 2021 at 04:09 PM
  #55
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
^He sits with me in front of the tv while he is also on his iphone. Life is soooooo dull!

Oh no, typical guy stuff.

Sorry I'm not trying to minimise the issue. I've just seen enough guys doing that too around me LOL



Quote:
^It’s about physical intimacy. I thought all was fine in the beginning, then issues started, and we never worked them out. Having looked back on my life prior to him (met at age 26), I had some issues with other guys, but just thought they weren’t for me and that was normal…now, I’m not so sure.
I think that's also probably not something "wrong" with you. Often there can be these issues. There are some counsellors specialised in this too.



Quote:
^I had trauma since young childhood; a verbally abusive mother, a MI father who died. When I tell this to a therapist, I instantly get the ‘attachment issue’ diagnosis. I had strange friendships that were not necessarily unhealthy, just that I am attracted to them. I had boyfriends before marriage that were also strange, not entirely bad…just not so good for me. Again, I’ve been attracted to that and one must wonder why. So, I get thrown into the ‘difficult interpersonal relationships’ diagnosis because I have/do have them. My mother is likely someone with a disorder but wouldn’t hear of anyone criticizing her in any way. She, my husband, and some of my family members I call ‘empathy challenged’.
Sorry, what is "MI"?

I frankly think not a lot of relationships are that quality/truly close. (Maybe I said this before in my thread on it lol) I think that's understandable really, it's hard to do really good relationships. It takes a lot more psychoeducation. It's not taught in school!!



Quote:
^I felt she was a real B. What a horrible, unhelpful, callous thing for a therapist to say! Did she want me to feel hopeless? It stuck under my skin because I am very sensitive and I give credence to her expert opinion.
I can only agree about how sh** that is. I think what I can suggest here is to reflect on how she's not actually right, and become firm in seeing it, and have true clarity about it. And then it is eventually going to just sound like some absurd bull****. Which is what it is anyway



Quote:
I just need to make myself happy. I am diligently working on my attitude to help myself grow and be more well-rounded as a person. I tend to be too dependent on others (also a trait of a disorder).
Maybe drop the idea of "this is a disorder", "that's dysfunctional", "that's from trauma".... I mean technically maybe it's true, but maybe it doesn't matter at all? I've thought about this recently, how there are few people who are 100% healthy and fit, and everything, and not simply not ill/sick, but truly healthy and fit with vitality. It requires maintenance, exercise, good diet, etc etc. Same for our psychological well-being. A lot of people have psychological issues, maybe not outright "sick", but not really fit either or have vitality all that much. So why would you be worse off than all those people. It really doesn't matter then. So then maybe just focus on the well-being and doing what you need to to get there, instead of endless self-criticism, like "this is ALSO a trait of a disorder".

My point is: You don't need to "correct" yourself. You just want to feel better, do things that are to your benefit, to be happy.


I hope you'll get there.
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Default Jun 16, 2021 at 04:16 PM
  #56
MI is mental illness. It was a tragic situation with my dad.

I did not think anything of past trauma or my mental health until the relationship got so unstable I had to see psychiatrists/psychologists. I have been obsessed with trying to figure it all out.

Thanks for the advice to disengage!

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Default Jun 17, 2021 at 08:15 AM
  #57
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MI is mental illness. It was a tragic situation with my dad.

I did not think anything of past trauma or my mental health until the relationship got so unstable I had to see psychiatrists/psychologists. I have been obsessed with trying to figure it all out.

Thanks for the advice to disengage!

I am sorry about your dad. And with this marriage, maybe you two really just don't fit together well, if you never had to think about trauma and mental health in other relationships before this one. Like it's definitely not about you, it's either about him or the particular way you two fit/don't fit together in a close relationship. I think I mentioned that before, that I think this is the most likely. Just my opinion of course, as an outsider on a forum
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Default Jun 17, 2021 at 08:26 AM
  #58
I'll try and make this opinion really all-encompassing.... So it's like.

It's very possible that it's neither of you. And that it's not solely the way you fit or don't fit. That would be one part of it, like I said that thing about some people handling the worst side of us better than others. Or there is the factor of good chemistry and all that. But it could be that you two were a moderately good fit, or even a very good fit and then life stresses would be wearing down the relationship without enough support. Like.... no psychoeducation in school about how to do marriage with a person very different from you (of the opposite sex), or any other support, from a good support network, both for you and for him. Or enough financial support, with economic difficulties or covid lockdowns now. And so on.

So, all that together could be it. Sorry if this sounds trivial. I just think that looking inside ourselves does not solve everything, it is of course needed but we have to look outside too, around us to see what factors are at play beyond our own internals. You seem stuck at examining your insides looking at your own role, not getting anywhere and this may be (part of) the reason for it. I hope this helps a little.
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Default Jun 17, 2021 at 09:35 AM
  #59
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I'll try and make this opinion really all-encompassing.... So it's like.

It's very possible that it's neither of you. And that it's not solely the way you fit or don't fit. That would be one part of it, like I said that thing about some people handling the worst side of us better than others. Or there is the factor of good chemistry and all that. But it could be that you two were a moderately good fit, or even a very good fit and then life stresses would be wearing down the relationship without enough support. Like.... no psychoeducation in school about how to do marriage with a person very different from you (of the opposite sex), or any other support, from a good support network, both for you and for him. Or enough financial support, with economic difficulties or covid lockdowns now. And so on.

So, all that together could be it. Sorry if this sounds trivial. I just think that looking inside ourselves does not solve everything, it is of course needed but we have to look outside too, around us to see what factors are at play beyond our own internals. You seem stuck at examining your insides looking at your own role, not getting anywhere and this may be (part of) the reason for it. I hope this helps a little.
The reasons you mentioned in your last two posts are all correct. I did not have good role models coming from a dysfunctional family. I certainly did not learn anything in school. It is a basic communication, compatibility issues.

You mentioned in a friendship you show each other your worst qualities. I haven’t found that to be true in my friendships. With a friend, I keep more boundaries, so my worst does not show as we don’t get that close. It’s always on a more polite level. But in a marriage, yes, our worst qualities can’t be contained!

I am trying very hard to contain my worst by walking away and disengaging.

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Default Jun 17, 2021 at 08:17 PM
  #60
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The reasons you mentioned in your last two posts are all correct. I did not have good role models coming from a dysfunctional family. I certainly did not learn anything in school. It is a basic communication, compatibility issues.

You mentioned in a friendship you show each other your worst qualities. I haven’t found that to be true in my friendships. With a friend, I keep more boundaries, so my worst does not show as we don’t get that close. It’s always on a more polite level. But in a marriage, yes, our worst qualities can’t be contained!

I am trying very hard to contain my worst by walking away and disengaging.

You accidentally mentioned something here that I found really helpful. You said that you don't get that close with friends. And yeah, I think I didn't have an actually quality friendship so I don't really know when these "friends" would get too close to me. Especially the "best friend". Like they would ask for too much help and stuff. And then would eventually show their worst sides and stuff like that, yeah.

I don't understand how that happened. I do know when it was when she pulled me into her issues with drama. But I don't understand how it could even happen in the first place. I always explained it away to myself with "she was in a really really bad place so she just tried to find help wherever she could". But with your note, it just doesn't seem to make sense anymore, this explanation. Yeah, I don't know what this was.



As for your disengaging: yeah it sounds like a good direction ...maybe the problem with marriage is seeing each other too much so it's hard to hide the worst sides, especially with lockdown lol

But I hope your husband is also trying to do the disengaging. Or it would be pretty imbalanced eventually.
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