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Alive99
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Default May 07, 2021 at 02:43 PM
  #21
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Are you aware of your triggers? Are they basically always the same? Are you aware you are about to be triggered and able to avoid it? That would be ideal!

Ha ha yes it would be ideal!! No, they are not always the same because it morphed over time when the cPTSD got worse. I think I learned enough to avoid making it worse (retraumatising) so I can try and focus on this now, categorising all the triggers and sort them out over time. It's just hard yes. Takes time to identify what memories are linked and how and what they mean and how to categorise it all and how to find working boundaries about it all and so on. Then yeah I can see what you mean, then I would be able to anticipate them...


Also you asked if I'm aware of them, well I'm aware of my own reactions like I described them, I'm not aware of when they happen when I'm around other people. More aware of when they happen when I'm alone, like I'm able to deal with them better because of that, if they come up when I'm alone.



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For me, I have the same basic triggers, only a few things that really cause me a trauma reaction. They are only from a couple people closest to me. An acquaintance may say or do something very upsetting, and I may get upset, but I wouldn’t call it a trauma reaction and I can just let it go and may not like them anymore. It’s the closest to me who really push my buttons. I don’t know if it is those people who press those buttons, and say, if I replaced them with new people close to me who were not the kinds of people who would do those same button-pressing behaviors and I would not be triggered at all. Is it possible for me to avoid being triggered? If so, that would change my life for the better 100%
Yeah that is a good question...I think closer relationships have more risk for problems like this in the first place. Because we are more emotionally open and they know us better and know better where they can try and hurt us yes, if there is too much stress and stuff and can't mutually disengage in time. Like spending a lot of time together when there are problems, mental illness, or extreme life stresses, then that is when it gets risky in my experience. Maybe that's just my experience but that was when I got a worsening of my cPTSD with someone close to me. Yes I could say the person had some sh*tty sides to them but they were also under more stress & undiagnosed mental illness and everything and I was too. It is a long story but if we hadn't been close (or if I hadn't felt close at least) then it would not have affected me so bad. Plus it affected me so bad because I already had cPTSD, it just retraumatised me there.


But I think overall my answer to your question here is if two people are both mentally healthy or at least they keep working on themselves if they have issues, and there are no extreme life stresses, then I don't think there would be this button-pressing and triggers and any of that. And it's possible too that only one person wants to work on all that and then the relationship just won't work eventually if the other person doesn't want to. That's actually what happened in the above example with me (where I ended up retraumatised).

So yeah all in all I think if you keep working on your trauma, your triggers, and spend time only with people who also work on theirs if they have any triggers or whatever other problems, then there won't be the same old button-pressing stuff either. It really just feels like to me quality relationships require all the advanced skills you don't get taught in school and continual personal growth.

PS: I don't know if you have cPTSD too or PTSD or childhood trauma without extra severe PTSD symptoms, for me the worst triggers/flashbacks go beyond button pressing stuff, or maybe I just feel that way because I feel like if I don't contain myself then it would end up being so destructive and expose me to more retraumatising situations. Button pressing stuff to me sounds like I'd get seriously upset but not feel a risk of retraumatising. It still doesn't sound like fun though lol and I do have the buttons too so I know what you mean. I want to have the worse triggers/flashbacks convert to button issues and then just work on those without the extra concern of retraumatising. I'm getting there though. That is where I would also be able to link them to memories, process them emotionally and then anticipate them more. Other than that, I think the stuff on retraumatisation concerns would fit more in the PTSD forum, so I won't say more details on it in this thread.
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Default May 12, 2021 at 06:25 PM
  #22
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy

Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy

I found Pete Walker’s website through my googling, searching for answers. I think he added the Fawn response to the other F’s.

I think my h ran out the door so I didn’t because he is trying so hard to show me his value, like I can’t live without him. I know it sounds strange, but that’s what that was about. It’s ridiculous, because I do not feel at all like I secretly wanted him to do the errand. I thought it would be a nice break for me to get out of the house tbh. But he functions at this level of anxiety. He is overly doting in some ways but will not simply engage me in the relationship I need. Like he overly shows he takes care of us to compensate for how he doesn’t in the way that matters to me. And why can’t he? He just can’t. I’m not angry at him because he’s not capable. I really need to just accept it and learn to disengage from my obsessive wanting it.

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Default May 14, 2021 at 03:31 PM
  #23
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Nice to see you back Fuzzy!

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Default May 15, 2021 at 02:15 PM
  #24
Working on the opposite response...not all willingly. Was taught as a child that anger was not acceptable. As I grew up was told don't get angry. Be quiet, hold it in, walk away, that's being a responsible adult. The tail I was told was by our neighbor who had totally redecorated her formal dining room. Her husband made a sarcastic comment. She picked up a big plate of spaghetti and threw it at him. He ducked. Plate hit wall, spread all over new carpet and newly redone chairs. See anger accomplished nothing.

Now after years of therapy the anger is pouring out all over. Never learned how to ameliorate anger. My T compares it to learning to tie a shoe. More complicated then it seems. But learning to do so eliminates triggers. Not avoid them, not deny them, not build up the anger inside.
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Default May 16, 2021 at 03:26 PM
  #25
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Originally Posted by Kidfle View Post
Working on the opposite response...not all willingly. Was taught as a child that anger was not acceptable. As I grew up was told don't get angry. Be quiet, hold it in, walk away, that's being a responsible adult. The tail I was told was by our neighbor who had totally redecorated her formal dining room. Her husband made a sarcastic comment. She picked up a big plate of spaghetti and threw it at him. He ducked. Plate hit wall, spread all over new carpet and newly redone chairs. See anger accomplished nothing.

lol. That tale... That's not simply anger. That's uncontrolled anger. Controlled anger is good, uncontrolled anger is obviously not.


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Now after years of therapy the anger is pouring out all over. Never learned how to ameliorate anger. My T compares it to learning to tie a shoe. More complicated then it seems. But learning to do so eliminates triggers. Not avoid them, not deny them, not build up the anger inside.
This is very interesting to me, the bolded. How does it eliminate triggers or help with not having to avoid them?

I was trying to analyse some response of mine above, TishaBuv thought it was a freeze response but I am not so sure myself. I can't really tell what it is other than, emotions are very disconnected with my attempt to control them ("white knuckle" syndrome). The emotions, they could be fear, anger, I don't know. It's situations where I used to either just do my normal emotional detachment or be angry in a controlled way. Before more cPTSD of course, I mean.

But if I could fully get rid of this thingy, whatever it may be, and if anger helps with that, I would love that because I'm good at controlling anger, but as part of the cPTSD in recent years I was gaslighted into thinking that I shouldn't be angry where I would express it in a controlled way alright before. And then I got more triggers and this weird response to triggers as above.

I realise that I did get more triggers because I'd turned off my normal protective mechanism (thanks gaslight) where it would protect you from exposing yourself too much, obviously. Against more abuse and gaslight and everything.

I stopped buying into that gaslight and I've restored some of my anger and my vitality along with it. That helps with lessening these triggers too, yes.

So I may partially understand the statement you made, yes. (If you have more to add, I'd be very interested.)


But I don't really understand how you do your therapy to get rid of all the anger that will naturally come up once you allow it back into your life. Like, it will definitely be VERY uncontrolled anger at that point, about the abuse and all the bad things.

I'm good at controlling anger for normal life situations. Harder for this stuff. Understatement.

I of course understand that you do have to rework and integrate your memories and create an interpretation that you can have about accepting what bad things happened and how. And that in part helps with finding responses that control the anger and achieve better direction/allow you to leverage situations more effectively. Even if those situations would otherwise be heavily triggering.


But, I would really like to understand how you manage to release, pour out all that uncontrolled anger. And. How long does it take before it gets better, before you no longer need to do it that much?

Especially, how do you do it INSIDE the therapy context? Does your therapist allow you to become angry (not attacking her/him of course, not even making eye contact with them let alone any threatening gestures towards them)?

I've had a big problem with how MANY therapists are unable to tolerate even a bit of anger display, even though I would not behave in a threatening way. Just becoming more loud, or my body language being strong (but not directed towards them whatsoever), etc.

I did once have a therapist who I went to a couple times before she managed to hit on a really bad spot with one (not very careful?) question. And then I really - almost fully - lost it, I wanted to throw everything in that room, wanted to punch a hole in the door leading to another room, or whatever wall was there, wanted to kick over the plant (some small pine tree thingy), etc etc. I jumped up and sorta started doing so but I didn't do either of those. I did keep control enough. Then in the end, I lied down on the floor and cried.

It did help me effectively remove the fresh trauma bit I received that day - long story, I lucked out by having my appointment with the therapist the very same day while trauma (retrauma) was fresh. I know when I was travelling to her office, I felt all hot in my head but the anger would not come out and I know it would not have without that provocation the question provided. And then I'd have internalised it. This way however, I was able to get through it, remove it in time. Then I did not have a leftover from that day, except a tiny little bit of some feeling that went away on its own in 2 months.


It was too much for her though, she said she is not able to work with such issues. Most other therapists I've been to did not get the luck of witnessing this kind of rage, they just had a problem even with a little "loudness" etc. One of them even tried to manipulate me into the idea that any anger is not acceptable.

So I just wonder? Are there any therapists that do this? Is it part of trauma therapy in ANY kind of therapy model?

PS: The issue I mention above that came out in such strong anger. It was strong for me yeah, I'd otherwise never behave like that in front of a therapist or anyone. So... As far as the issue itself goes, I started working on the cognitive processing of it much later so I no longer need this much anger about it, I think. I still have some, though. Still very hard to control especially if someone deliberately triggers it (this happens yes). So I still run into that issue of a trigger over this very long-term trauma issue, and it's still a valid issue with me being able to do therapy properly. Especially during lockdowns, of course.

Last edited by Alive99; May 16, 2021 at 03:41 PM..
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Default May 16, 2021 at 04:45 PM
  #26
@Alive99 Whatever we feel as emotions are genuine and natural. Something provoked us to feel them, and our feelings are a result. There’s a spectrum of how badly provoking something may be which will warrant a corresponding reaction.

If someone cuts in front of me in line, I may be a little put off for a minute and have no reaction. But, if something happens that shatters me, I may throw spaghetti against the wall!

We know to be in society, we can’t become violent or there will be bad consequences to us. So, we have had to hold ourselves back from acting out like we may want to if provoked badly enough.

Nobody’s going to tell me it’s not okay to feel anger, when I feel anger. I’ll get angry at them and likely tell them where to put their anger. . But, I am working on controlling my angry responses because they never get me anywhere good and only work against me. It is hard to control holding back anger when you feel it so intensely. I now try to walk away and cool off.

It sounds like something severely traumatic happened to you and you are trying to cope with how strongly it is making you feel. I understand you are working on getting to a place where you can feel free from the intense emotions that go with what happened, so you can lead a happy life.

Personally, my therapy experiences are that I cry hysterically in expressing my anger and frustration. Maybe it’s fear deep down, too. I don’t act out, I act ‘in’ (hard on myself). Rather than physical violence, it’s crying. Although, I’ve been so angry that I’ve had fantasies of doing damage…doesn’t everybody? But, of course, I’d never act. But the thought is entertaining.

I never showed any anger toward a therapist. Some of them said some pretty antagonizing things to me, too. I had mentioned the comment one had said in another thread, and it really got under my skin. In that moment I didn’t react. It hit me when I left her office and cried all the way home and shouldn’t have been driving. I didn’t make another appointment to see her again.

I’m reading a book now about BPD called “Stop Walking on Eggshells”. It talks about anger is really deep down fear. So when I am angry and frustrated that I am not being heard and respected by my husband, I really must feel fear that he doesn’t really love me. I am getting mad at him to deflect from the fact I am afraid of losing him. This is a new thought for me that I just learned from this book. I’m still pondering if I believe this is true and letting it sink in and reflect on that idea.

There are other hurts that i felt very intensely. In time, I did reframe it so I could stop holding a grudge. When the hurt was fresh, I felt it. But in time, I told myself that person wasn’t capable of better. They really weren’t. I was fooling myself to have thought they were. I had given them too much credit. I tend to do that a lot. So, I am not angry at them anymore. But, I don’t think as highly of them like I used to.

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Default May 16, 2021 at 04:54 PM
  #27
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Originally Posted by Kidfle View Post
Working on the opposite response...not all willingly. Was taught as a child that anger was not acceptable. As I grew up was told don't get angry. Be quiet, hold it in, walk away, that's being a responsible adult. The tail I was told was by our neighbor who had totally redecorated her formal dining room. Her husband made a sarcastic comment. She picked up a big plate of spaghetti and threw it at him. He ducked. Plate hit wall, spread all over new carpet and newly redone chairs. See anger accomplished nothing.

Now after years of therapy the anger is pouring out all over. Never learned how to ameliorate anger. My T compares it to learning to tie a shoe. More complicated then it seems. But learning to do so eliminates triggers. Not avoid them, not deny them, not build up the anger inside.
What would you teach your child now about feeling anger?

I’d validate that we feel feelings and that makes us human. It’s usually best to not act out in anger and avoid a confrontation usually. But sometimes, I’d say there’s no holding back. If someone was attacking one of my kids, I’d be a raging mama bear to protect them.

Did the spaghetti look better on the wall than the redecorating she originally did?

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Default May 16, 2021 at 07:23 PM
  #28
@TishaBuv

Thank you for your response. Yeah, I'm ok with avoiding violence of course, but not feeling anger at all...that was a bad idea.

Fantasies heh well I'm not good at fantasies, it's very rare for me to fantasise about causing pain or doing damage but it helped before sometimes. Yes it did...I'm just saying it's hard for me to release these emotions in imagination though. That I'm sure doesn't help with trauma processing.

I haven't read the book. But I don't really believe in using ideas to test them out...if that makes sense. What I believe in is feeling the actual visceral gut feeling, then I know it's what I'm actually feeling. So it's not necessarily fear with your husband but only you can know what it is. A book won't know, but it can give tips, sure. I just am saying, if the visceral connection isn't there to the feeling the idea is about, then I wouldn't want to believe/guess about it. I'm saying this because I tried that a lot before when trying to process trauma but it didn't really help me. The same thing with reframing, I want it to have these visceral anchors when I have an idea about what really happened. Until it has that anchor, it doesn't help me with trauma processing.

And yeah, I've also arrived to conclusions like you with it. Like not thinking too highly of them anymore. That's part of the process probably yeah. Being more realistic about what people are capable of.

So anyway yes I have those strong emotions that are so strong that I go all "freezingly disconnected, white knuckle" about them. The problem for me is when I get grounded, and can actually feel the emotions, I still have to process bad thoughts/beliefs from them. But that part feels easier...not easy but compared to being able to get grounded first (hardest part for me), hell a whole lot easier I'd hope.....

The emotions when I finally feel them fully like that are still very very hard to contain, basically. If you can contain them, you can control them and then you have a chance to process the cognitive aspects too. That's just me though. I have just found some very bad things today about how the relationship traumas affected my outlook for relationships. Now that's going to be some new phase of processing.

But yes, I've recognised more triggers too in connection with that.



PS. Thinking more about the book example you gave me. I think you can try and find other feelings, sure, check ideas and all that, like your concern about feeling loved, makes sense too, but you wouldn't want to disregard the message from the anger. What makes you feel like he crossed your boundaries, which is what the anger is signalling. That would be a good question IMO because then you can see what to do about it afterwards.
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Default Jun 08, 2021 at 08:20 AM
  #29
Just an update about my disengaging in negativity— I’m doing much better! . I am balancing relationships with triggering people, and not reacting emotionally anymore. I avoid the triggers where possible. When triggered, I am not crying and sinking into deep depression any more. I am not sure why this improvement has happened now. I am no longer on meds. My therapist is someone who listens and encourages me to accept without reacting. It must be that he is helping. . I have fought and cried all i can and it got me no where, so, logically, I have given it up.

I feel at peace with all my relationships and DO NOT want to get into it with anyone ever again. So, I will avoid conversations that will cause conflict and upset me. I won’t give nasty people space in my head!

It’s a nice day. I think I’ll enjoy it.

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Default Jun 08, 2021 at 11:57 AM
  #30
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Just an update about my disengaging in negativity— I’m doing much better! . I am balancing relationships with triggering people, and not reacting emotionally anymore. I avoid the triggers where possible. When triggered, I am not crying and sinking into deep depression any more. I am not sure why this improvement has happened now. I am no longer on meds. My therapist is someone who listens and encourages me to accept without reacting. It must be that he is helping. . I have fought and cried all i can and it got me no where, so, logically, I have given it up.

I feel at peace with all my relationships and DO NOT want to get into it with anyone ever again. So, I will avoid conversations that will cause conflict and upset me. I won’t give nasty people space in my head!

It’s a nice day. I think I’ll enjoy it.

That's really great stuff. I really really do not want to give the negativity any space in my head. Really do not....I want it to all go away, the bad past too.

I did make progress too BTW....with the truly toxic people, I know how to not engage at all now. I ran into one recently, a guy, but I managed it really better than in the past, I did not talk to them at length, I simply called him out in one single sentence, about his unethical stuff, that line was very much bottom line to the point about the moral issue. And then I did not respond to him anymore, not even "innocent seeming" stuff from him. Nothing at all, nada. I don't need to spend even one single moment on them. The thing is it did ruin 1.5 days for me anyway, until I realised that I truly can just decide to not interact at all with him or with anyone else like that. ANYONE. That was so great. I do my bottom line calling them out or not even that, depending, and then full-on ignore. That simple..... even if they respond to my calling them out, I ignore that response. Or if I don't even respond at all, then that's just simply ignore right away. I do want to sometimes push back like that for a short time, being on the point with it very much and then disengage, because I do not want to internalise the negativity they tried to pour on me out of the blue. The difference afterwards is that I KNOW what to expect from them in future. NO LONGER out of the blue, no longer unpredictable. That's great too, I think. So I can push back like that and then disengage, without being surprised if they respond or how they respond (if they respond at all - in the case above he dropped it Well he tried to passive-aggressively hint but it was easy to ignore that fully).

But I want to be able to do the same to my negative past too, somehow. There were a couple bad people in my life, I'm fully past one of them, thank god. The other one....not fully yet. I've worked on it a lot but I need to finalise it. I can't wait to do it. I want to be able to be like.... treating it like the above. But for that I do need my bottom line I could use to call them out (even if only calling them out in my own head as I no longer talk to them). I feel I need to do that. Then I can move on..... Just be like, ignore. Just like you described it. !!

The lines that inspired me the most from your post here I think were:

"When triggered, I am not crying and sinking into deep depression any more"

"I won’t give nasty people space in my head!"

(Also this was pretty good for me: "I feel at peace with all my relationships and DO NOT want to get into it with anyone ever again. So, I will avoid conversations that will cause conflict and upset me.")

I know that stuff from the bad past can cause spells like that, like you describe, even if I don't cry usually, I just do go deep, low, loss of energy and all that. I want to not have to anymore. Not even for a few hours, not even if I remain half functional and not going totally acutely low into a crisis, I still do not want to lose even one day over it, not even a few hours!! These people are like strangers to me so are worth 5 minutes of my time, not even that tbh, 5 seconds even!!

I think my issue is I need to understand without any "bargaining" and "what if" or finding more of a "big picture" to be able to just say.....yes it all was nasty, and yes it wasn't my fault, and yes it's normal to have felt all the mess over it, because it was like I behaved my usual, in my usual, normal way, but they had done these nasty things anyway. It wasn't anything I did, if I ever try to consider what it was I could have done, then I'm back to disorientation and getting low and everything. And letting them push guilt, blame, etc on me. And so on....

I was able to deal with the loss of the good (or good seeming) relationship I had with the person originally. It wasn't easy but I could. But then they faked that everything was good, that I didn't lose this relationship. And they faked it only to get money and other services from me, to exploit me. That distinction I only figured out recently...... it shows how it was actually nasty, I guess. Doubly nasty and stuff.


I'm not going to write more about it here though. I'm just not able to share it with anyone and it just came out of me now. There was more but I don't want to go off topic and don't want to burden you or anyone, just can't share anywhere so it's hard sometimes lol. Sorry. Thank you again for this inspiring post!!



Enjoy your nice day!

Last edited by Alive99; Jun 08, 2021 at 12:15 PM..
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Default Jun 08, 2021 at 06:15 PM
  #31
@Alive99 You’ll get to where you want to be, emotionally, at some time in the future, and you are on your way. It takes as long as it takes. I believe humans get hurt emotionally, and heal, just like when our bodies are hurt physically. It just takes however long it takes. Just like healing our bodies; rest, self care are doctor’s orders for healing.

In emotional scars, it takes processing. I know psychology articles say to not dwell in the past, but I needed to do a lot of ruminating to figure out what happened, how much was me and how much was them, grieving, reframing, bargaining, lol… There wasn’t a thought I missed! And I think it helped me.

I have and keep making effort to repair relationships that went astray. Yeah, these people really treated me like they didn’t care about me… they really didn’t. But, for me, it serves me best to forgive them by realizing how they stand in their shoes. I eventually came to have compassion for them. I am wiser and will not be fooled into thinking they were the great relationships I thought they were, but I do want to feel connected to these family members.

IDK what happened with you, and I get the feeling these people who hurt you are not ones you want to reconnect to. It sounds like they were con artists who used and discarded you. I can say (without even knowing your story) that I am sorry they hurt you and that no one deserves to be treated like crap. I know it made me feel better for someone to listen to me, believe me, and tell me as I just told you. I hope it helps you in your healing process.

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Default Jun 08, 2021 at 07:35 PM
  #32
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@Alive99 You’ll get to where you want to be, emotionally, at some time in the future, and you are on your way. It takes as long as it takes. I believe humans get hurt emotionally, and heal, just like when our bodies are hurt physically. It just takes however long it takes. Just like healing our bodies; rest, self care are doctor’s orders for healing.

IDK what happened with you, and I get the feeling these people who hurt you are not ones you want to reconnect to. It sounds like they were con artists who used and discarded you. I can say (without even knowing your story) that I am sorry they hurt you and that no one deserves to be treated like crap. I know it made me feel better for someone to listen to me, believe me, and tell me as I just told you. I hope it helps you in your healing process.

Thank you. I agree sometimes you really need to go back and figure out the pieces of the puzzle, the big picture. I don't even call that ruminating.... In my case they lied too much to me and gaslighted me so I had to go back and piece things together.

I'm glad if you don't feel you are fooled anymore thinking it's great relationships. That's similar to my case as far as that. But yeah, I'm not able to try and reconnect with them, they weren't family members though.

I've just processed some more and I feel a LOT lighter. I've just seen how this person manipulated me even more than I thought. How they deflected and weaved lies and I bought some of it so fast back then. It really really helps feel freer, that I see that now. It's sad, too. But I feel free from that now. I just have to process and *disengage* from the part too about how I thought it was good until they changed to this manipulative person. Maybe they always were manipulative like that towards people they didn't trust or people that they wanted to get stuff from. Maybe I saw a better side originally until it became like that with me too. Maybe they were manipulative originally too (tbh they were, with trying to get help from me, they didn't fully respect my boundaries right from the start...but it wasn't dark manipulations like later). But I just want to disengage after identifying this part too or whatever it is I need to realise about this issue.



PS: Is self-care defined in an individual way for everyone? I do feel like I'd like a lot more rest but I have to work but I know without work I'd have not been able to stay over the surface. Or that's how it feels. But it also adds a lot of stress and god knows how maintainable it really is.

Last edited by Alive99; Jun 08, 2021 at 07:51 PM..
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Default Jun 13, 2021 at 04:42 PM
  #33
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This thread can be for anyone who needs support to disengage from anything that is triggering to them.

Rather than fight, flight, freeze or fawn responses to anxiety provoking triggers, to disengage is to calmly stop, or walk away, or keep silent or speak calmly.

After fruitlessly doing the above trauma responses, I am hoping disengaging will bring about better results, letting the moment of conflict pass without incident.
Tisha, this is so cool that you got over it without reacting and put your well-being in the top. Good for you. I took my hat off before you. 😀

This is the right way. Noone can hurt you. This majes you strong. You only need time to master this behaviour. I’m learning like you.

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Default Jun 13, 2021 at 05:29 PM
  #34
Emotions can’t be stopped. They simply occur. And they happen for a reason. Sometimes prepare our body to protect ourselves or as you, Tisha, mention, protect our kids.
The problem is when these emotions can’t be handled and happen in contexts where our lives are not at risk. They are there nonetheless to teach us something. Maybe when we have to face to a grief for the lost of somebody, maybe because we don’t find in the other the response we are waiting...whatever, the emotions belong to us. Noone is responsible of them. As long as they are not life-threatening.
So, I think the most intelligent things to do is to consider them limiting their role and think that we are much more than emotions. We have also a rational brain part and we must give it the possibility to play its role also. Why? Identifying little by little these emotions and feeling them but taking into account that they are there for a reason and that this is their role to appear as a red light but they are only a part of us. Many times they don’t have another aim than recalling us a trauma, a last bad experience. They don’t have necessarily to respond to a reality but a fear, a trauma, etc.

Tisha, you named DBT, I’ve never done it but I heard about it and from what I heard it’s very helpful dealing with emotions. Indeed many psychologists nowadays, use some techniques that may be considered very close to this therapy.
Are you seeing a therapist? If so, is (s)he familiarised with the techniques worked on DBT?

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Default Jun 13, 2021 at 07:22 PM
  #35
Sometimes you just gotta tell those emotions "Hey this is bull****. Period". Lol.
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Default Jun 13, 2021 at 07:38 PM
  #36
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Emotions can’t be stopped. They simply occur. And they happen for a reason. Sometimes prepare our body to protect ourselves or as you, Tisha, mention, protect our kids.
The problem is when these emotions can’t be handled and happen in contexts where our lives are not at risk. They are there nonetheless to teach us something. Maybe when we have to face to a grief for the lost of somebody, maybe because we don’t find in the other the response we are waiting...whatever, the emotions belong to us. Noone is responsible of them. As long as they are not life-threatening.
So, I think the most intelligent things to do is to consider them limiting their role and think that we are much more than emotions. We have also a rational brain part and we must give it the possibility to play its role also. Why? Identifying little by little these emotions and feeling them but taking into account that they are there for a reason and that this is their role to appear as a red light but they are only a part of us. Many times they don’t have another aim than recalling us a trauma, a last bad experience. They don’t have necessarily to respond to a reality but a fear, a trauma, etc.

Tisha, you named DBT, I’ve never done it but I heard about it and from what I heard it’s very helpful dealing with emotions. Indeed many psychologists nowadays, use some techniques that may be considered very close to this therapy.
Are you seeing a therapist? If so, is (s)he familiarised with the techniques worked on DBT?
I see a therapist and he is teaching me to simply not react. He says to just feel those emotions, identify them, and let them pass. They are just emotions and they always do pass. This has been very hard to do when those emotions cause a panic fight/flight response. I am getting better at it. But— I still can’t get past what triggers me and overcome it. Though, I am getting better at not letting it get the best of me emotionally.

I learned about DBT from others on here. They say it is a course. I’ll have to look into doing it. Dialectical Behavior Training.

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Default Jun 13, 2021 at 07:41 PM
  #37
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Sometimes you just gotta tell those emotions "Hey this is bull****. Period". Lol.
When I look back on those emotional meltdowns I am very embarrassed and wish I could have not had them. I was telling myself ‘this is BS’ at the time, but couldn’t disengage.

IDK why I stopped the intense, emotional reactions recently. It’s like my body turned off the waterworks. I’m just happy I’m done with it whatever caused me to stop!

I’m not sure I’m out of the woods with it, either. So, fingers crossed…

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Default Jun 13, 2021 at 07:59 PM
  #38
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I see a therapist and he is teaching me to simply not react. He says to just feel those emotions, identify them, and let them pass. They are just emotions and they always do pass. This has been very hard to do when those emotions cause a panic fight/flight response. I am getting better at it. But— I still can’t get past what triggers me and overcome it. Though, I am getting better at not letting it get the best of me emotionally.

I learned about DBT from others on here. They say it is a course. I’ll have to look into doing it. Dialectical Behavior Training.
So good, Tisha. Because this is the best you can do. Stop these emotions and process them. Of course, you are gonna-how do you say that- go up the walls sometimes. It doesn’t matter. You have reacted, someone (especially your husband) triggered you and you reacted, but you will realised of it and you being aware of it, it will help you to try to not react emotionally next time. You know why, because it’ s the most healthy for you. And you will become the leader of your life. Little by little.
You can’t change your husband but you can change and manage up to what point he will influence your well-being.

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Default Jun 13, 2021 at 08:14 PM
  #39
By the way, a very interesting thread, Tisha.
I guess we all share similar experiences or had to face to similar situations.

At a different level, I’m convinced we all have to face to daily situations when we feel triggered and have to manage our reactions.

Gonna tell you an example, nothing to do with a deep concern as dealing with a loved person as your husband. But, a strange in the street. A woman was walking her dog (she seemed not to be very skilful
with it) so she got angry at me because her dod wanted to meet my doggies that were without a leash. She got all angry and yelled out something like ( This f@cking bit$ is not gonna tie her doggies). I went all shocked but I said nothing. I thought: She has a bad day, sure. And I felt so good for not responding to her. She even cursed me. And I’m a temperamental person (I have gypsy blood running through my veins) but I didn’t want to go
through a hard moment or losing time by getting upset. I had my kids (doggies) to enjoy with. This person had problems. I’m sure she didn’t mean what she said. Something made her say what she said. It was about her, not me.

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Default Jun 13, 2021 at 08:29 PM
  #40
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When I look back on those emotional meltdowns I am very embarrassed and wish I could have not had them. I was telling myself ‘this is BS’ at the time, but couldn’t disengage.

IDK why I stopped the intense, emotional reactions recently. It’s like my body turned off the waterworks. I’m just happy I’m done with it whatever caused me to stop!

I’m not sure I’m out of the woods with it, either. So, fingers crossed…

Oh, that's cool that it's better now. Hope it stays that way. Maybe you getting support from the therapist helps, like maybe you are not looking for it with your husband instead?


When I'm able to call an emotion bull**** it disengages me actually. Because I know why it's bull****.

But I have to first know that, yeah.



Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I see a therapist and he is teaching me to simply not react. He says to just feel those emotions, identify them, and let them pass. They are just emotions and they always do pass. This has been very hard to do when those emotions cause a panic fight/flight response. I am getting better at it. But— I still can’t get past what triggers me and overcome it. Though, I am getting better at not letting it get the best of me emotionally.

Yeah, for me the problem is if it takes too long to figure out the emotion and it takes me long for sure when it comes to personal matters......And while I'm figuring it out it does get in the way and that's a problem. So for that, this idea of "this is just an emotion and it will pass" does not work for me because it does GET IN THE WAY while it's there, while it doesn't pass, it is several hours per day and it means I have to wait until the evening or even until the night before I'm able to work without the emotions being in the way.

This dilemma/issue I don't see answered by this idea "it's just an emotion and it will pass"

It's very practical consequences, missing deadlines and the like.



Quote:
I learned about DBT from others on here. They say it is a course. I’ll have to look into doing it. Dialectical Behavior Training.
Yeah the whole "emotions will pass" idea is from the distress tolerance thingy in DBT.

My issue isn't distress tolerance though. It's these practical consequences.

And I was so disoriented before about what's even going on that I didn't realise for a million years until I finally did recently, that the DBT workbooks and similar books talk about being "uncomfortable".

Uncomfortable?! Man... it's not about that for me. If these emotions were just uncomfortable, I'd be FINE. Lol that just sounds like an everyday problem, uncomfortable feelings, emotions to endure. No big deal.


But the actually problematic emotions get in the way and are hard to move out of the way. Hard because if I try, without knowing why the emotion is even there, then it requires an insane amount of energy that I just don't have normally, it requires me to mobilise emergence resources and you are not supposed nor able to use those resources constantly...... You can imagine.

So that's my problem, not that they are "uncomfortable". Lol when is it even a problem that something is uncomfortable.

But trying to move emotion out of the way without knowing how to do that effectively, it's the problem. If you don't know how to do it effectively is when it's gonna require a crazy amount of energy. I am doing it right now as I am trying to work atm. It still makes my stomach muscles sore.


So emotional dysregulation from cPTSD isn't easy or fun, lol.

Yes I'm discovering slowly why the emotions are there, what they really are about, but that takes very long for me for these personal matters. .... But when I know these things is when I'm able to effectively manage / move the emotions out of the way like that


***

BTW. As for DBT.... I compared it to stoicism here: https://mysupportforums.org/7082825-post20.html


What do you think? Do you like any of that?
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