Loneliness and MSF

I’m really just lonely and enjoy the people I meet and have come to know on this forum. I’m desperately trying to work through my issues. This forum gives me a space to freely examine it and bounce it off others, whereas a private therapist could have never given me this much time. Plus, none of them ever helped and I stopped seeing them. But, I also feel a social attachment here. There is no other social media I interact on. I am lonely and enjoying ‘antisocial’ media!

I have a message on FB that I should have responded to (I have been telling myself--I will do it today) a while ago but hesitate to ever even look at FB. Part of it is that I dislike the newsfeed (there is just too much IMO) and the other part is that I was never able to tell people on FB (old HS friends and a few others) some of the significant things I have been through (like my cancer diagnosis and recovery). The biggest barrier mentally about it was my mental health breakdown and this seems like the only place where people could relate. I consider all the people I "friended" to be very nice people but I feel like a bit of a misfit on FB because of how my life seems so different than theirs. IMO, I have more in common with people here....

i can relate a bit as i often feel lonely as Well and this forum is one of the few places where i feel understood at least! i agree with the wise and wonderful TunedOut about not checking out facebook much (although i am Friends with her there)! Sending many Safe, warm hugs to ALL of you, @TishaBuv, your Families, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thanks for posting this. In real life, I'm pretty-much a total recluse except for the fact that I'm still married (her accomplishment not mine.) I'm not on Facebook, or any of the other major social media for that matter. (Actually Facebook scares me.) Since my gender identity has been something I've struggled with my entire life, I've tried joining a couple of small transgender forum websites. But since I have chosen to remain within my "assigned gender at birth", as it is referred to, members on transgender websites have no real interest in me.

This is my second time on these forums (Psych Central / My Support Forums.) When I was here the first time I used to post my own threads. But when I came back for the second time, I stopped doing that for the most part and primarily replied to other members' threads. And, at this point, I don't really feel comfortable posting here with regard to my issues. (Plus I don't think most other MSF members would be much interested in the still unresolved mental health problems of an old goat like me.) So, nowadays, what I primarily find myself doing, here on MSF, is replying to threads in the Games forum as well as replying to other occasional threads, such as this one, that happen to catch my eye.

I really like this thread. I'm glad MSF has helped.

I had been feeling very disconnected from here and the people here for a while until very recently. I was a previous member too, btw. Anyway, Tisha, I'm so glad that you have been able to work through your issues and that this has been a safe and helpful place for you to do so.

Dear TishaBuv, I'm so glad you feel comfortable here. I have really enjoyed knowing you, & I know other people feel the same way. I wish for you that your loneliness will be replaced by happiness, because you so much really deserve that. And thank you very much for being here, TishaBuv!! Hugs & love to you!!

I can relate. I find Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat to be depressing .

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I never knew what to post on fb. As if I’m going to photograph fancy meals! All the acquaintences who I friended started getting into political fights and the news feed got ugly. Three years ago my niece triggered me into posting something calling her out, and long story short, it should have been nothing (I apologized and removed it the next morning), but I lost my whole family over it. I’d say that post was only the tip of the iceberg that must have been lurking beneath the surface and it is whatever issues there were that caused that major rift. So, I’ve been off it since then.

I have a job where I am supposed to be a networker, and i really don’t have the personality for it. I can’t stand phoniness. I will be friends with people I want to because we have something in common and enjoy each other and NOT to try to get money from them! The whole idea goes against my values tbh.

Also, my mother keeps me off there because she constantly tries to draw us in. She incessantly posts for attention and demands we all dote on her.

I’d like to friend and really know you and Mickey, and all my friends here. Then you could look on my facebook and see my mom’s antics! Lol.

Skeezyks, I think you are so cool! You’ve been so nice to welcome to so many in such a professional way including articles. “I think I’ll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.”

I admire how all here are coping with serious issues, yet giving to others with support and positivity.

The political stuff is another reason I don't like FB. I am afraid to say anything political. Employers look at FB and if you are someone important (I am glad I am not), people could hack in to things you set for friends only (sometimes we also mishandle these settings or say something foolish years and years ago), and find something to use against you. Probably the same thing here but, whatever, I am trying to be careful what I say even here. Words can have a powerful effect. IMO, it is usually not helpful to be divisive. There have been news stories where someone says something political (in some cases, I think they may have just spoken before fully thinking it out) then they suffer all kinds of terrible consequences. I am thankful for the moderators on here. I think they do a wonderful job!

And hopefully, this is not too controversial, but I sometimes wonder if some of the political divisiveness on both sides could be fomented by organizations wanting to destabilize the US . Am I crazy for thinking this? Not at all saying it is the US govt but look at this publication: Dept. of Defense Joint Publication 3-13 (https://fas.org/irp/doddir/dod/jp3_13.pdf) and other countries and terrorist groups surely use many of the same principals to reach military or political objectives by using information (both true and untrue but the most powerful way to deceive and incite a population is use partial truth) to divide our country. IMO, all the polarization has been increasing for a long time but it is now so bad that it has fostered violence and that violence ends up increasing the polarization even more. I pray that it doesn't keep getting worse. IMO we should try to respect people placed in office through election or appointment. It is fine to remove them using the laws and the courts but it is helpful when we respect authority. Perhaps I feel this way because I have served in the military for a while. Perhaps saying this would be considered political? I wouldn't dare say this on FB. Some of my "friends" probably wouldn't agree (but some would).

I am terrible at networking so thank goodness I don't have to do it. You do a good job networking here!

I think social media being used as a platform by entities (governments, organizations, individuals) to influence, divide, and conquer is definitely a true, proven fact. Isn’t it? Some news story I just saw is about how they are teaching high school students how to verify actual news from fake news. And, sadly, society seems more divided now more than ever.

I know this sounds like faulty thinking, but the fallout among my own family had something to do with this kind of divided thinking.

America is the melting pot where all are welcomed to freedom. That’s what makes us a great place. But with that comes culture clashes. We just saw it on the news on the streets of NY! But, I feel in time, we all find common ground and blend together. Rock and roll and freedom brings eventual commonality!

^I wouldn’t even be able to say that comment on any social media with my name.

I love that we have all been able to freely speak and interact here about issues that are true and meaningful to us. It’s funny that this could only have been done behind a veil of anonymity!

IRL, I am so frustrated and lonely. I struggle with my marriage and it is unfixable, and I am obsessed with it and stifled by it. I enjoy my kids— a teen wants little to do with Mom, the other is away and very busy so we chat briefly often, and the other is going through something that excludes his parents from his life right now, so we just tiptoe. I miss him so much. I can’t even think about him without crying.

I tiptoe with my elderly mother. I wish I could have a closer, better relationship and be a help to her. What’s happening with her is so traumatic to me I want to run away from here. I can’t deal with watching them go down like they are and all the friction now between her, me, my one sister, my other sister and her and the other sister…

Now the world is opening up from the pandemic I can leave my house and make some changes for the better, but I’m not sure how, where to start, it’s daunting. I’m pulled in directions. I’m wanting to repair all the close relationships most of all, yet i don’t know how.

I want to have enjoyment, love, family, friends. If I could, I’d throw a big party and invite everyone here! That would be really cool, wouldn’t it?

I know you started this thread saying you are frustrated and lonely.
I can relate in some ways but have mostly just gotten used to it. For whatever reason, I sort of "ran away" from my family when I graduated from high school which resulted in me having always been far from my FOO. First, I went to Germany for the summer, then the university farthest from my home (five hours away) then active duty military including spending nearly five years overseas and then the opposite coast. And I don't always write and call as much as I should. So I am sure my family has felt some of the frustrations you are expressing. And my core family is divided too. I think I contributed by not always showing enough respect for my husband. And all of our personality issues were probably at play too--I am not wholly at fault but I am not innocent either. I am trying to do better but the damage is done. I look at it this way--it took years to become divided so I can't fix it over night--actually, I do not have the power to fix it, only love them all and pray a lot. IMO divisions in families and our country will not heal overnight but we can try to promote harmony and love whenever we can. IMO sometimes it is human nature to compare ourselves to others but not always very helpful. IMO humans are always looking for patterns to navigate and understand our world. Not that I haven't thought it or done it but have to be careful about judging and complaining--not that there aren't some injustices that we should complain about, it is just that some of the complaining that goes on can be unhelpful. It can be tricky to know when to get help, when to give help and when to not help and do it all graciously. And as you have said, we have to start with our own family. If my family is not well, then it is harder for me to be well enough to help "the world"--plus problems at home make us feel less secure and confident. --Or is it when we are less secure and confident that that causes the other?

Soooo very interesting, ladies!!!

I started out being very respectful to my h. I feel I was generally respectful. But one time comes to mind; When I delivered our third baby, my in-laws visited at the hospital. My mom got my h and MIL to go to buy the car seat needed to take home the baby. My mom can be a force of nature, but she was not particularly nasty this day, nor was I. Alone with my FIL, he told me that he didn’t think I and my mom spoke to my h with respect. It shocked me and made me feel awful to then have to sit there alone with him and the new born baby and I cried. Certainly, in front of my FIL I was not conscious of being disrespectful to anyone. Did he think I’d bow and call him sir?

However, in recent years I have definitely been disrespectful and I regret that. While we had issues, I didn’t have to be mean. I’m trying to be more kind and graceful, forgiving, accepting.

Even if often with him I feel lonely, without him I will really be.

When there is conflict, I assume/try to remember that I must be in the relationship in order to teach me something. Conflicts can be hard to navigate. I am trying not to talk about anything specific (like I did when I first came to PC), in order to respect others privacy. I have found that the safest thing is to listen because when people are upset, I find it hard to find anything to say that is comforting. This is why I pray for compassion but I also know I do not have to say anything if the person is (because of what was already just said) being mean and characterizing me in ways that I know are not fair. I feel like I am better able to discern when the other person is characterizing me in an unfair way but I have been continuing to pray for discernment because I also know how foolishly I have acted in the past. I need to be patient and calm because I know they are suffering but I do not have to try to please someone by continuing to try to say the right words when nothing will be right while the person is upset. I feel like I am now navigating conflict better and hope my perception about this is correct. It IS harder to be respectful when someone is always criticizing rather than teaching us in a patient way. Sometime we don't understand and they get mad that we don't "know" and it is hard to know in those situations if it is us or them so I am learning just to remain quiet when a conversation reaches this point because further conversation becomes very unproductive....

I don't know what I'd do without this forum. I strongly believe in "online friends" - let's face it, I see my online friends every day, whereas I see my IRL friends once a year, or less.

As for Facebook, I'm on it to stay in touch with some life-long friends and with my son and DIL. I flatly refuse to get into politics on Fb, and so do my close friends. The hardest part of Fb for me is seeing photographs of, for example, a friend remodeling her adorable kitchen. It's tough, because here I am, grateful to be able to rent a tiny 1 bedroom apartment. My therapist tells me to stop comparing. And it's true, everyone has their burdens- even if it doesn't look like it.

Everyone has their burdens but not everyone has our burdens. I know I could make my life look happy but it’s not how I feel. For me it’s the relationships, the group shots, the multigenerational families. My parents are narcissistic, my daughter knows that, my ex husband is what he is, my daughter knows that too. I can’t fake that stuff. It’s not even about comparing . Facebook is like work or church, stay positive, be positive .

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My grandma always said, “Count to ten.”

Right! I’m communicating with our little community here daily and not with IRL friends and family. There’s an emotional connection, yet it could not exist without the way this forum is meant to work.

I’m sure a lot of people are faking the image of themselves they are portraying on social media.

If a person posts bragging kind of photos and comments, it’s really not good for them. Even if what they post is true! It makes others feel bad. They aren’t gaining anything by doing it. They are actually hurting themselves by doing it, if it makes others not like them. It kinda makes others want to see them fall.

People like humble people, not bragging ones. Bragging ones get brought down.

On this forum, we’re connecting with others about our struggles and supporting each other to be well. I think that’s why this place feels so good, while the social media feels bad.