[Heliosphere]

I get down sometimes. In fact, I'm starting to realise I get down a lot. I never thought of it as depression. I don't get the hopelessness and despair. I never, ever get suicidal thoughts. I always have hope there lurking at the back of my mind, sometimes bright and sometimes dim. I am a negative thinker. Always worrying. Often getting down about things in life. I'm also very emotionally reactive to things. Good things get me really high and happy. Bad things send me down into worry and my hope fades to a tiny, dim glow that I almost don't believe in anymore. I feel down and worried, then I go out and talk to someone interesting and friendly and I feel quite good, then I'm back on my own at home and feeling that my task list is too bloody enormous and feel the pressure and stress, then I phone some nice person in my life and up goes my mood again. Then a 2 hour Zoom creative class gives me a great feeling of being validated for my writing and my depth of thinking, then I get swamped by frustration about health worries and down goes my mood again.

I'm down more than I'm up, but the down is not the classic depression, it's frustration, worry, stress, loneliness, feeling barriers to the things I want to do in life. There is someone I love but I can't have him. That's OK, I never in my life have got together with the men I really, really feel for. The guy is beautiful to me. He is just a little bit more than half my age, is completely unavailable. What does that matter when I know I could never have love in my life anyway? Even if things were different the reality would get in the way of the fantasy that my loving feelings rely on to exist. Still, talking to him is the most beautiful thing in the world, better than any medication I can imagine.

I know I do suffer from anxiety, though I stay away from doctor diagnoses. Every time I've been put on mood controlling medication (only twice) I've suffered enormously from the side effects. One whacked up my anxiety 1000-fold, that was 30 years ago. The other increased my heartrate to about 150 per minute. (First time that happened I called the ambulance.) Stuff that!

I am old enough to remember when doctors would give benzodiazepines (like valium, librium, tranxene; I was in love with tranxene!). Those were so lovely. 20 minutes and the bliss would descend, all the worries and cares would evaporate. Yes, I still remember. Now they are afraid of bloody lawsuits, they say, "you'll get addicted", so give us other things instead which overflow with side effects. No bloody thank you.

Needed to write this. Need to reach out to other people. I get so god damn lonely.

[Yaowen]

Dear Heliosphere,

Welcome to the Forums. It is so nice to meet you.

You write so beautifully and vividly of your life. I wish I could express myself that well but my English is not very good.

I am very sorry that you are weighed down with the heavy burdens you describe. Wish I knew what to say to help but sadly I am in a very similar situation and am still trying things.

Hopefully you will find these Forums to be a warm and friendly place. That has been my experience here.

You have such a gift for writing. I will be looking forward to reading whatever you decide to post here and want to wish you only the very best.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[Skeezyks]

Hello Heliosphere: I noticed this is your first post here on MSF. Welcome to the forums. I hope you find participating here to be of benefit.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry for what you're going through! Please Do not give up! i can partly relate to your post as my mood can be easily affected sometimes too. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about Hoping that you will like these forums. You've said you try to avoid doctors and meds. Can i ask you how Long ago was the last time you saw one and/or took meds? Perhaps it may be worth it to give it another try if you're Feeling this way. Side effects can suck but Hopefully you can keep them under control with the help of your doctor. In any case the decision is yours. i Hope things will improve soon for everyone. Feel Free to check out the anxiety forums if you haven't already. Contact the admins and moderators in case you need Assistance. i am also available if you need it and hopefully many others as well. Hugs. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Heliosphere, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[indigo1015]

Originally Posted by Heliosphere

I get down sometimes. In fact, I'm starting to realise I get down a lot. I never thought of it as depression. I don't get the hopelessness and despair. I never, ever get suicidal thoughts. I always have hope there lurking at the back of my mind, sometimes bright and sometimes dim. I am a negative thinker. Always worrying. Often getting down about things in life. I'm also very emotionally reactive to things. Good things get me really high and happy. Bad things send me down into worry and my hope fades to a tiny, dim glow that I almost don't believe in anymore. I feel down and worried, then I go out and talk to someone interesting and friendly and I feel quite good, then I'm back on my own at home and feeling that my task list is too bloody enormous and feel the pressure and stress, then I phone some nice person in my life and up goes my mood again. Then a 2 hour Zoom creative class gives me a great feeling of being validated for my writing and my depth of thinking, then I get swamped by frustration about health worries and down goes my mood again.

I'm down more than I'm up, but the down is not the classic depression, it's frustration, worry, stress, loneliness, feeling barriers to the things I want to do in life. There is someone I love but I can't have him. That's OK, I never in my life have got together with the men I really, really feel for. The guy is beautiful to me. He is just a little bit more than half my age, is completely unavailable. What does that matter when I know I could never have love in my life anyway? Even if things were different the reality would get in the way of the fantasy that my loving feelings rely on to exist. Still, talking to him is the most beautiful thing in the world, better than any medication I can imagine.

I know I do suffer from anxiety, though I stay away from doctor diagnoses. Every time I've been put on mood controlling medication (only twice) I've suffered enormously from the side effects. One whacked up my anxiety 1000-fold, that was 30 years ago. The other increased my heartrate to about 150 per minute. (First time that happened I called the ambulance.) Stuff that!

I am old enough to remember when doctors would give benzodiazepines (like valium, librium, tranxene; I was in love with tranxene!). Those were so lovely. 20 minutes and the bliss would descend, all the worries and cares would evaporate. Yes, I still remember. Now they are afraid of bloody lawsuits, they say, "you'll get addicted", so give us other things instead which overflow with side effects. No bloody thank you.

Needed to write this. Need to reach out to other people. I get so god damn lonely.

I’m glad you reached out on here— I’m also glad that you aren’t suicidal and that, in spite of everything that you are going through, you still keep even a little hope. That’s called strength. I can’t tell you who you are or what you should do, those are things you have to figure out on your own. What I can tell you is that you seem like a very strong and intelligent person, and I think you will find the answers you seek. I don’t know how helpful that is, but I believe in you. Keep going and know that we’re all in this together on here.

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