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Biba_yu
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Default Jun 11, 2021 at 12:56 PM
  #1
Everywhere you turn, if you are depressed, sad, or even the "s" word, people are telling you to "reach for help", to "ask for help", etc. Where? Honestly, I feel like no one cares... no. I KNOW no one cares. No one cares how I feel, no one cares I am sad for years, no one cares that I think about "s" almost every day and that I feel like I am less than nothing. I don't even want to die, quite the contrary, I really want to live, but this is hopeless. I don't know how this is in other countries, but here where I live, Serbia, it's just hopeless. Outside it looks like sweet little country with sweet and kind people and it's pretty safe, very little crime. But it's so lonely! It's so hopeless! I live in a small street where maybe 800 or even 1000 or more people live in incredibly ugly square, grey buildings from socialism era, and it's polluted, noisy, ugly, and everyone is sad or angry. I have to feed few surviving stray cats like a freaking ninja because people here HATE animals and hate basically everything, and even then someone sees me and gives me lecture. Because I feed three skinny starving stray cats! While they are all quiet when they don't get salary for months, when every inch around is polluted and filled with garbage and 99% of city is pure concrete. I am so tired, I am almost 49, I have no friends, no one to talk to, my mom died, my boyfriend emotionally tortured me for 14 years then decided he is "not good for me" and "only makes me sad" and freaking dumped me when I am close to 50 instead of me or him doing in 14 years ago. I am thinking of death every single day, I am alone, tired, I feel bullied by everyone, I can not confide, I HATE HATE this country but I can't leave, I hate that government and people here are destroying what's left of nature, animals and trees, and no one cares, I feel like a worthless human because no one loves me. I don't even want to die, I want to live, so desperately. Contrary to what I sound like, I actually like myself, I like my looks, I love to pamper myself, I am learning multiple languages, I am software developer, cartoon artist, illustrator, writer, I love food, I love music, comedy, art, I am trying to develop myself, to have interests, I like beauty in all forms, I like to dress nicely and put on make up, I don't care for ugly things like racism, nationalism, conservatism, hating any groups or pushing gender norms... But nothing helps. I am still alone, no one wants even to listen to me, unless I pay of course (here I mean therapists), no one wants to offer any help, my ex is like "oh so I am bad guy in your life, so you wasted 14 best years on me, so sorry, I better leave forever bye!" I am so done! I can't even feed animals without getting verbally attacked! Why? It's 3 stray cats in a block of 1000 people? Why is that a problem? Why am I always dumped, ignored, ditched, ghosted? People don't give me explanations. No one can tell me what is so wrong with me. I just want to leave forever, I am learning 3 languages in hope I will find job somewhere and escape this hell in hope, it's maybe, maybe not everything so hopeless, maybe it's just this country. Maybe it's not me. Were you ever so lonely you were thinking about death but really didn't want to die because you still like yourself but loneliness is too much?

Last edited by Biba_yu; Jun 11, 2021 at 01:13 PM..
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MickeyCheeky
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Default Jun 11, 2021 at 02:37 PM
  #2
So Sorry For your Losses! Please do not give up! From what you wrote it seems like the problem may be more the environment you're Living in rather than any internal problems right now. Even if you can't move into another country perhaps moving in another town or neighborhood may prove Helpful? Sorry if that sounds stupid. It is good that you're trying to learn some languages. i Hope you will be able to move if that's what you truly desider. Just try to cope in the best way possible and perhaps see if there are other people near you whom you may be able to socialize with. i Hope things will improve soon for everyone. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Biba_yu, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Jun 11, 2021 at 02:53 PM
  #3
i am sorry for your losses and i am sorry you have been though your life maybe i don't know you but i care you .i don't want you to be unhappy.there are lots of kind people here and there is a chat here .in chat and these forums people listened to me ,tried to help me.Hugs
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Default Jun 11, 2021 at 09:46 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Biba_yu View Post
Everywhere you turn, if you are depressed, sad, or even the "s" word, people are telling you to "reach for help", to "ask for help", etc. Where? Honestly, I feel like no one cares... no. I KNOW no one cares. No one cares how I feel, no one cares I am sad for years, no one cares that I think about "s" almost every day and that I feel like I am less than nothing. I don't even want to die, quite the contrary, I really want to live, but this is hopeless. I don't know how this is in other countries, but here where I live, Serbia, it's just hopeless. Outside it looks like sweet little country with sweet and kind people and it's pretty safe, very little crime. But it's so lonely! It's so hopeless! I live in a small street where maybe 800 or even 1000 or more people live in incredibly ugly square, grey buildings from socialism era, and it's polluted, noisy, ugly, and everyone is sad or angry. I have to feed few surviving stray cats like a freaking ninja because people here HATE animals and hate basically everything, and even then someone sees me and gives me lecture. Because I feed three skinny starving stray cats! While they are all quiet when they don't get salary for months, when every inch around is polluted and filled with garbage and 99% of city is pure concrete. I am so tired, I am almost 49, I have no friends, no one to talk to, my mom died, my boyfriend emotionally tortured me for 14 years then decided he is "not good for me" and "only makes me sad" and freaking dumped me when I am close to 50 instead of me or him doing in 14 years ago. I am thinking of death every single day, I am alone, tired, I feel bullied by everyone, I can not confide, I HATE HATE this country but I can't leave, I hate that government and people here are destroying what's left of nature, animals and trees, and no one cares, I feel like a worthless human because no one loves me. I don't even want to die, I want to live, so desperately. Contrary to what I sound like, I actually like myself, I like my looks, I love to pamper myself, I am learning multiple languages, I am software developer, cartoon artist, illustrator, writer, I love food, I love music, comedy, art, I am trying to develop myself, to have interests, I like beauty in all forms, I like to dress nicely and put on make up, I don't care for ugly things like racism, nationalism, conservatism, hating any groups or pushing gender norms... But nothing helps. I am still alone, no one wants even to listen to me, unless I pay of course (here I mean therapists), no one wants to offer any help, my ex is like "oh so I am bad guy in your life, so you wasted 14 best years on me, so sorry, I better leave forever bye!" I am so done! I can't even feed animals without getting verbally attacked! Why? It's 3 stray cats in a block of 1000 people? Why is that a problem? Why am I always dumped, ignored, ditched, ghosted? People don't give me explanations. No one can tell me what is so wrong with me. I just want to leave forever, I am learning 3 languages in hope I will find job somewhere and escape this hell in hope, it's maybe, maybe not everything so hopeless, maybe it's just this country. Maybe it's not me. Were you ever so lonely you were thinking about death but really didn't want to die because you still like yourself but loneliness is too much?

Question? Medicating? Faith?

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Default Jun 12, 2021 at 07:43 AM
  #5
Thank you, @MickeyCheeky, I am not currently able to move but I dream about it. Another city maybe, but I doubt that would change anything. Moving to another country is problematic now but I hope this situation with disease will resolve soon so we can all live our lives. I don't know if environment is the problem though, I hope it is, because then I can move. But if I am the problem then I don't know how to solve it anymore.
Thanks @Uykulu, I will try Chat.

To add, I tied a lot, I visited a lot of neuropsychiatrists, therapists, psychologists, I went to meditations and tried mindfullness, and I have been on antidepressants and still on anti-anxiety meds, and I had lots of interests and hobbies and crafts and so far I am still alone and lonely and feel unworthy because I have no friends. Am I a bad person because I have no friends and no one likes me?
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Default Jun 12, 2021 at 09:37 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Biba_yu View Post
Thank you, @MickeyCheeky, I am not currently able to move but I dream about it. Another city maybe, but I doubt that would change anything. Moving to another country is problematic now but I hope this situation with disease will resolve soon so we can all live our lives. I don't know if environment is the problem though, I hope it is, because then I can move. But if I am the problem then I don't know how to solve it anymore.
Thanks @Uykulu, I will try Chat.

To add, I tied a lot, I visited a lot of neuropsychiatrists, therapists, psychologists, I went to meditations and tried mindfullness, and I have been on antidepressants and still on anti-anxiety meds, and I had lots of interests and hobbies and crafts and so far I am still alone and lonely and feel unworthy because I have no friends. Am I a bad person because I have no friends and no one likes me?
No biba ,it doesn't mean you are bad person.i can say this for sure.you have emotions.and Cats that you feed love you.and i love you even i don't know you.because .you feed stray cats and love them.you care about enviroment and people and every single living person in the world is bound up with invisible net with each other .i am not profesional so i can't comment about other things but you are doing right things to feel better.i think that means you have hope and you are on right track.keep trying.everyday is begining and new start.i am seeing pdoc and taking my pills it helped me a lot .have you heard about Feeling better book by David burns .i read it two times maybe it helps.i don't know.and i think books are best friends.and their writers.think about that you are friend with proust,Camus, Tolstoy.keeping journals too helps .you are your friend when you keep journals.walking routine and sleeping 8 hours helped me a lot too.and i am living with my two cats.they are like my children and best friends.i hope you feel better.Hugs

Last edited by Uykulu; Jun 12, 2021 at 10:03 AM..
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Default Jun 19, 2021 at 12:55 PM
  #7
It's not normal not to have any friends at my age. I have to be really toxic waste of a person. I feel like it. I saw many therapists and no one managed to help me, I am currently on some meds which also does nothing for me. I am really, really tired. Someone today killed one of the cats I was feeding and I feel like it was my fault because I taught them to trust humans and they shouldn't. Maybe she was run over by car I don't know, but I still feel guilty. I have no one to confide, literally no one. If I just fell down on the street I feel like no one would help me. Either movies and tv shows give us some super optimistic version of reality, or something is seriously wrong with me. This world is not fair. I never thought I was a bad person, but being this alone and this insignificant can't happen to good, valuable persons. Maybe it's this country, this town which is suffocating me for decades, maybe I just don't want to believe it's me.
I've read some books on psychology and while it did get to me, I still feel completely alone on this world. I don't understand why they always tell us to "ask for help" when no one really wants to help anyone, unless you pay, and in my case not even then. World is based on so many lies.
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Default Jun 22, 2021 at 09:27 AM
  #8
i am so sorry for the cat but i don't think it is your fault,do not blame yourself .they have basis instict to survive.i think they know who to trust or not.maybe you can chance where you live as you say maybe it helps.Hugs
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