My boss insulted and demeaned me and I can't get past it

Granted, I approached him with a problem about my workload. Ok, so people here have told me that bosses don't want to hear it if you feel your workload is too heavy.

And granted, we figured out together through this conversation that it was my own fault. I am overworking myself and I am putting in too many hours for two of my clients every week, causing a problem for me. So, my work overload is my own fault, and I acknowledged to him that my problem was self inflicted.

However, at the same time, he insulted my work in this conversation. He criticized a tactic I used on one of my clients' websites, and I got a little defensive about it to him, especially since it's in fact working out well. And before I admitted that my problem was self inflicted, he had compared me to a far more junior former staff member, telling me that the junior staff member had been able to handle all of my accounts before me, so why couldn't I handle the workload? Then he nitpicked over one mistake I made on a client call because I couldn't answer a random question, so he told me I was unprepared for the call, when I had been fully prepared but just couldn't answer the one question. So, basically, I got a lot of negativity and criticism from my boss in this one phone call, when I feel I am working very hard and in my own opinion, am doing a great job so far.

Days later, I am still reeling from the insult and the demeaning comments. I am basically butt hurt from it, and my morale now at work is very low.

My morale is SO low that I am now feeling very depressed and I am not working as hard as I used to. In fact, I started looking for another job, I had an interview yesterday and have had the attitude of screw him. I don't need that kind of treatment. I don't know why he felt the need to insult my work, compare me to another coworker, or nitpick at me very unnecessarily when I've done nothing but work my butt off since arriving back at this job, and when I made the transition for my boss as smooth and as easy as possible when I came back to work for the company. I am also the most senior member on my team and the only female on a team of five men, so I don't know if this is sexism or what.

I don't know how to move past the negative comments - how do I get over this? Do I talk to him about these comments and tell him how I feel, or do I try to just get past it on my own?

I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this.

How has he been treating you since that discussion?

So Sorry for what is happening! Please Do not give up! :8 i agree with the wise and wonderful Bill3 about asking you how did he behave since then. Perhaps he was simply in a bad mood. Can i ask you how are things with him aside from this episode? If it was just this isolated occasion perhaps it is possible to let it pass. i am not sure if this is appropriate but maybe you may even let him know that his words hurt you? i am not sure if this is a good suggestion as it also heavily depends on the level of confidence and trust. Still, perhaps give it a thought if you think it is worth it. i Apologize if this post isn't really Helpful. i Hope things will Improve soon for everyone then. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Have Hope, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, Ok?!

Thanks, @Bill3! He joked with me yesterday over instant messenger over something small, but we've also had very limited interactions since this conversation that I am talking about.

Thanks @MickeyCheeky! I don't know if telling him I am hurt is the right word for it - I could tell him I felt insulted by his comments to me?

What a pain. Sorry to hear that. I don’t know if it always helps to tell them how you feel. It depends

I have somebody very obnoxious, manipulative, bossy and ridiculous at work. She isn’t the boss whatsoever, she however acts like one. And she is a new employee. Several of us just cannot stand her. Now I myself am trying to find ways to not agonize about it. Last time I had somebody obnoxious at work I didn’t even realize I agonized about him daily. I only calmed down when I just stopped worrying about him not doing his work but started just focusing on myself. Well he got fired so that didn’t last.

With this new person, our boss actually hinted about transferring her elsewhere, which several of us would consider a blessing. The only way I find I could deal with these people is to avoid them like a plague and focus on my own life and work.

It’s tempting to leave jobs when you run into idiots but idiots are everywhere lol And they usually don’t last in one place because people figure them out. Hopefully this loser at your work will be gone too. The obnoxious woman we have hops jobs every few years, we now see why. Our hope is that she won’t last. But sadly manipulative people weasel their ways in and out successfully.

It is more bad on him as a boss than on you as an employee in that he said discouraging things instead of praising you for what you are doing that is good. By his actions, your morale is low and looking for another job. If he was better at being a boss, he’d be getting more productivity out of you and that is the goal of his job. So, maybe you can reframe it to think that it is his problem and not yours.

Btw- I would not tell him you feel insulted or bring it up again…just my two cents.

It’s amazing how easy it is for morale to drop low at work and sometimes it’s just one or few people who could cause morale to drop. Such a shame

Thank you @divine1966 and @TishaBuv!

I am SO discouraged, especially after working SO hard for the last 3 months. I don't know if telling him that I was insulted is a good idea. Tisha, you are right... it reflects more poorly on HIM as a manager than on ME for anything I may have done incorrectly or wrong. His job is definitely to encourage, not discourage!

I have my 1:1 meeting with him again tomorrow afternoon. Maybe I'll make a point of telling him that the tactic he challenged me on is in fact, working out very well and has increased form completions on the website by 60% since it was implemented. HA! Take that. LOL. I feel like saying exactly this to him. Like oh yeah? You criticized the work I've done which is actually proving to work.

And divine, he won't be leaving since he just got there 6 months ago. I will be the one leaving far long before he does.

I'm also trying to figure out WHY he felt the need to insult me, criticize me and demean me? Does he feel threatened by me? Is that what I am facing all over again here? Or, does he feel inept in his own job and he is projecting his feelings of ineptitude onto me? What is it?????? WHY????????

And in order to stop the behavior from reoccurring, should I confront him on it?

I’d not be confronting him. Some people are just abrasive and rude, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are threatened by you. That’s just who they are. Some bosses seem to think that super critical and negative approach is the way to run the business

I don't know if his comments should be taken personally.

I mean obviously they were personal comments. But they may have come from a place of anger about the business, anger about your comments about your workload, or something personal going on in his life. He might have said more than what, in more calm and rational moments, he actually thinks about you.

Idk but might be worth considering. Does he often lose his temper?

It could be the way he is.... I do not know.

I have not seen him lose his temper before, but something set him off. I did get the sense he was putting on a false front all this time though. Like he's not being himself.

Some bosses don't, some do.



My first question here: Whose responsibility is it to decide how much work you've got to do?



That's not okay. He hasn't had the most constructive way to approaching the problem while it would be his responsibility as a boss, ideally.

In such a situation where I am being compared and asked about the reason like that, I would ask for time to think before I can respond in a way that works best for my own goals and then for the company's goals too if I want to stay with them.

Obviously the most constructive way would've been showing concern about the issue and then asking what they can do to help. But that's like advanced emotional intelligence skills and most bosses don't really have that or don't even have the chance to learn it so there is not even necessarily any point in blaming him for not being able to do it.


(I don't know much of your whole situation, the entire background, or anything there though)

Also the junior staff they compared you to. Was it really a fully objective comparison? Did they really have the exact same workload? Analysing that may help if you have the information about it (IMO don't ask for more information on it tho if you don't).

It could be he was feeling irritable and critical, yes.


I'm really sorry about that. Do you want to quote some of the insults and demeaning comments? Was he criticising a lot of small things in an irritated tone or was he talking about generalised criticism to your own person as well?





What all this also makes me think of: has your boss assigned you the extra workload, has he encouraged you to take on as much as possible, has he kept pushing more and more tasks on you?

Because that can happen to people who overwork themselves, they get into such a cycle too. It's not necessarily conscious either to themselves or to management.

And in such a situation, it's wrong of management to try and make the employee believe that it's all their own fault/self-inflicted/whatever.

Because it's the job of management to manage assignment of work too. It should not be the burden of the employee to do that. Though of course the employee is also responsible for knowing where their own limits are and saying "no". But management still has a job of managing it all effectively.


So if the situation is this, then you are better off finding another company with better, more effective and fair management, yes. Preferably more emotionally intelligent too. And also of course I would've suggested learning about your own limits too, but you are already trying to do that.



And I don't know if it's sexism but even if it is, then I would just add that to the list of reasons to leave.





You can quote them here, maybe it helps venting about them like that. It can also help with clarifying the entire situation more. But also the background like I mentioned above helps. Considering all that can help, it is hard to get to the right answer / the optimal answer when a situation is complex like that.




EDIT: On second thought.... I think I can imagine your situation. You feel overloaded (and it can't ALL be your fault, e.g. for the obvious reasons above), and you go to the boss for help, and instead of help they blame you for ALL of it.

No wonder you feel upset about it. Yes, I can see that's very upsetting if you already put in extra effort for the company.

Have Hope

I feel sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Before telling him his behaviour is unacceptable (which it is!), take a "time out" to consider all the reasons why he's behaving this way. Write them down, helps with the psychology.

In my experience, there could be any number of reasons or excuses. The easiest is that's his style. Did he get this job just in time before he was terminated in previous one. He inherited someone else's team. You're a threat to him because you're good at your job (he's jealous). He's got problems at home (marriage, children, elderly parents, obnoxious neighbours). All can contribute to how he behaves at work.

Whilst it doesn't excuse his behaviour, talking to him about it could go one of two ways, or maybe both. He acknowledges/apologises and possibly gives a reason. He can see no wrong in his actions. The final one is to make your life at work so difficult, you leave.

Behaviour can be attributed to age. Are you older than him? If you are, maybe you remind him of his mother. Don't laugh, it's true! A young graduate said a similar thing to me about being older. After stating there's nothing wrong with experience, I reminded him he was being discriminatory, he admitted his father had recently made a similar comment.

Thank you @Alive99. To answer your questions, he criticized a tactic I employed which is in fact, working out well on a client website, he unfairly compared me to a far more junior staff member, he criticized more of my work then picked out one single mistake I had made since I had come back on board to nitpick at me and accuse me of being unprepared for a client meeting, when I had been fully prepared. He said this because I fumbled to answer the client's question when they asked me a question. I felt he was being demeaning and rude by comparing me to someone more junior than myself who did far more basic level tasks than I am doing, that it was unfair and rude to criticize my work, not once but twice, and unfair and rude of him to nitckpick over one thing done wrong when I've done everything else correctly and very well to date.

I had one interview already, and I am having another one with a different company tomorrow. I am definitely leaving, I decided. I will not put up with this kind of demeaning treatment from anyone.

And thank you @poshgirl. Yes, there could be several different reasons why he was this way towards me, but I will never get to the bottom of it. Perhaps he does feel threatened by me, which is very possible since I gave a lot of ideas when I first came back on board on how to improve the team. It almost doesn't matter why he did what he did - the fact of the matter is it was completely inappropriate and wrong of him to do. I chalk it up to him showing me his true colors on that day and for me to steer clear of him.

Yeah, you're right, that's just putting the blame on you unfairly. Good luck with the interviews!

@Alive99, yes it is, and thank you!!!

I just want to be respected in my work, is that too much to ask for? To want respect and decent treatment?

I mean, I am not perfect at work by any means.. sometimes I fumble with my words and sometimes I wing it in client calls. Sure, I am not perfect, but I do my job to the best of my abilities, I work very hard at it, I produce great results and my clients all around are happy with me.

One client continues to tell me how happy he is to have me back at work. He is confident that I will and can turn his business around. He is happy to have me on the task because the last digital strategists on my team gave him the run around. He called me yesterday and told me they completely bs'd him while I was gone, about why his business wasn't doing well. Almost every call I am on with him, he thanks me for my hard work and skills.

So why was my boss so disrespectful? He had told me in that one negative conversation we had that he will be honest with me. So he was honest, he showed his true feelings, and for some reason, he needed to be rude and disrespectful and put me down.

I wonder if my previous boss, who overlapped with this guy in their employment, if he had poisoned my new boss against me? This is what I am thinking may have occurred. He knows I conflicted with my previous boss. And the reason for that was my previous boss tried to undermine my success and take all the credit for my hard work. So maybe my previous boss said negative things about me to my new boss, and therefore, my new boss has a bias against me? Perhaps that's what happened.

But the fact is - he told me his true feelings, and his true feelings are that he doesn't respect me.

I have another interview today. The recruiter tells me the hiring manager (a female) is phenomenal. Maybe I need a female boss whose ego won't feel threatened by my success.

And I am successful at work, so there is NO reason for the disrespect I received from my current boss. Absolutely none.

When you say he insulted and demeaned you and was rude, how exactly did he word his criticism? Was it name calling (like saying you are lazy or dumb) or raising his voice at you? He might not think that offering criticism is insulting. I am not saying he didn’t insult you by his criticism, but I wonder if he sees it that way.

I previously said it’s better not say anything to him but now I think it might be better to ask him politely where is he coming from. If he demeaned and insulted you and was rude perhaps it’s better to address it. And if he didn’t offer suggestions of improvement then it needs to be addressed too. If it wasn’t just normal criticism but he was throwing actual rude insults then it’s not ok at all and shouldn’t be tolerated

He did not word his criticism in any kind of respectful or constructive way. His tone was rude and demeaning, so yes, he was throwing actual rude insults at me.

I don't know what to do about it except to leave. If I confront it, I worry I will be fired. This company fires people very easily.

Hey @Have Hope! I swear some bosses think throwing out criticism without context or empathy is “constructive criticism “. And when you bring an issue to them they dodge ownership or fixing it and Flip the script and start letting you know what you have done wrong. Like a bad relationship with a narcissist. Dodge ownership, manipulation and blame. The thing is until you completely line up that other job I personally would refrain from telling your boss how much it botherd you. Because the endgame is what can you fix right? If you want to stay employed there and fix it it might be worth it. However if you already plan on leaving why make it hell before you do?

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I feel you. I had an abusive boss for 14 years. Finally got rid of him. Got a new boss and for like the first 3 years he had utter respect for me. If I said, let's blow up the world, he would say, ok. (but I wouldn't do it).

6 years in, I have been squeezed out... and he has obvious contempt for me.

He doesn't like me as a person and he doesn't respect anything I say anymore.

I do believe he has been poisoned by others. Negative influences who have made him see me as not a "co worker" but an employee.

Recently someone asked him a question and he said -- "X" should happen. Not only did I know that was wrong, it would have made more work for me. So I found out the right way to do it and told him. He said ok let's do it that way. Followed by an e-mail to everyone to say

"JUST FOR THE RECORD" -- though this time someone said to do this... every other time it should be done this way. (when that is not true at all)

So he had to assert his authority because I made him look stupid I guess. But I would have rather made him look stupid internally rather than for us to do the wrong thing and have us look stupid in public.

He constantly keeps giving me extra work -- though he knows I am already busy -- imho because if I am too overwhelmed with work I won't be able to find the right way to do something and contradict him.

I have put in for other jobs. I might even take a demotion. I can't deal with this any longer. Since I get amazing reviews (even from my 14 year long abusive boss) I feel I am just too advanced for the position and the bosses have to keep -- pushing back at me -- to maintain their supremacy. The truth is, my boss isn't even as accomplished as I am. I am happy to continue to use my smarts to make him look better but he clearly doesn't want that. He clearly wants me to just do what he says. No matter how stupid.

My boss has moved on as though nothing happened. He's acting congenial again, and even asked me how my weekend was in our 1:1 call yesterday. I wonder what the hell is going on? Why did he let loose on me in one call and then act all put together and nice in the next call?