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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
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#21
When you say he insulted and demeaned you and was rude, how exactly did he word his criticism? Was it name calling (like saying you are lazy or dumb) or raising his voice at you? He might not think that offering criticism is insulting. I am not saying he didn’t insult you by his criticism, but I wonder if he sees it that way.
I previously said it’s better not say anything to him but now I think it might be better to ask him politely where is he coming from. If he demeaned and insulted you and was rude perhaps it’s better to address it. And if he didn’t offer suggestions of improvement then it needs to be addressed too. If it wasn’t just normal criticism but he was throwing actual rude insults then it’s not ok at all and shouldn’t be tolerated |
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RoxanneToto
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Wise Elder
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#22
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I don't know what to do about it except to leave. If I confront it, I worry I will be fired. This company fires people very easily. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Threadtastic Postaholic
Member Since Dec 2018
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#23
Hey @Have Hope! I swear some bosses think throwing out criticism without context or empathy is “constructive criticism “. And when you bring an issue to them they dodge ownership or fixing it and Flip the script and start letting you know what you have done wrong. Like a bad relationship with a narcissist. Dodge ownership, manipulation and blame. The thing is until you completely line up that other job I personally would refrain from telling your boss how much it botherd you. Because the endgame is what can you fix right? If you want to stay employed there and fix it it might be worth it. However if you already plan on leaving why make it hell before you do?
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk __________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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AzulOscuro, Have Hope, RoxanneToto
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#24
I feel you. I had an abusive boss for 14 years. Finally got rid of him. Got a new boss and for like the first 3 years he had utter respect for me. If I said, let's blow up the world, he would say, ok. (but I wouldn't do it).
6 years in, I have been squeezed out... and he has obvious contempt for me. He doesn't like me as a person and he doesn't respect anything I say anymore. I do believe he has been poisoned by others. Negative influences who have made him see me as not a "co worker" but an employee. Recently someone asked him a question and he said -- "X" should happen. Not only did I know that was wrong, it would have made more work for me. So I found out the right way to do it and told him. He said ok let's do it that way. Followed by an e-mail to everyone to say "JUST FOR THE RECORD" -- though this time someone said to do this... every other time it should be done this way. (when that is not true at all) So he had to assert his authority because I made him look stupid I guess. But I would have rather made him look stupid internally rather than for us to do the wrong thing and have us look stupid in public. He constantly keeps giving me extra work -- though he knows I am already busy -- imho because if I am too overwhelmed with work I won't be able to find the right way to do something and contradict him. I have put in for other jobs. I might even take a demotion. I can't deal with this any longer. Since I get amazing reviews (even from my 14 year long abusive boss) I feel I am just too advanced for the position and the bosses have to keep -- pushing back at me -- to maintain their supremacy. The truth is, my boss isn't even as accomplished as I am. I am happy to continue to use my smarts to make him look better but he clearly doesn't want that. He clearly wants me to just do what he says. No matter how stupid. |
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Have Hope
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#25
My boss has moved on as though nothing happened. He's acting congenial again, and even asked me how my weekend was in our 1:1 call yesterday. I wonder what the hell is going on? Why did he let loose on me in one call and then act all put together and nice in the next call?
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
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#26
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Wise Elder
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#27
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__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#28
Could be. We do have to fake it at work at times. None of us would keep a job if we truly show what we might think or feel. If he was a friend, that would be different but he isn’t, so let him fake it.
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Have Hope, Rose76
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Wise Elder
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#29
Quote:
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Wise Elder
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#30
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Legendary
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#31
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It's really not good for others to have that much power to control our mood. One of the goals of becoming a mature person is to develop a certain degree of indifference to what others think of us. I'm not saying I've reached that goal yet. I'm working on it. I'll always be working on it. For you to confront your supervisor about his response to you might be a case of you supplying more fuel to a dynamic that would be better left to sputter and peter out. I think challenging him, in any way, will just get you more negative feedback. I say this because he sounds like a negative sort of guy who's over-ready to dump a subordinate who approaches him with an issue. A wise, mature supervisor would have buffered his criticism with something positive . . . unless you were a complete non-performer, which, clearly, you are not. Some types of people in a work environment are best to kind of avoid. Of course, if you terminate, you'll not have to deal with him further. However, it's probably just a matter of time before you bump into another supervisor like that. So learn what you can from this. Like Divine says, he's not a friend of yours. If he talks nice to you - even if that niceness is fake - that's really all you need, in the work arena. I've occasionally been "fake-nice" to people at work. I wish, now, that I had been "fake-nice" a lot more often. It's actually a necessary social skill. |
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Have Hope, rechu, unaluna
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Wise Elder
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Location: Eastern, USA
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#32
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It seems to have completely blown over. He hasn't mentioned it, and neither have I. I did, however, inform him that my tactic is working, the one he criticized me for. I would prefer if these things didn't bother me, but it's a huge trigger for me: disrespect in the workplace. I have been disrespected numerous times by supervisors, and it completely deflates me. I think this is a very normal reaction, a reaction that many people will have. I think it's the rare person whom it would not effect. Plus, I am the only female on a team of males. I deserve respect, especially being the only female, and the most senior team member. I am fake all the time at work. Fake it til you make it mentality. It's what gets me by and helps me to survive. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Bill3, Rose76
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#33
HaveHope, I fully understand how this unacceptable behaviour can be a trigger for you. Many of us have a particular issue (or two!) that upsets/angers us more than others. I cannot be hypocritical so don't do fake.
However in this age of equality, being the only female member of the team does not automatically command respect. It's better defined as respectful behaviour towards you as a human being. Yes, there are some things/actions that are unacceptable in our (female) eyes. As I commented earlier in this topic, there's usually a reason for this behaviour. In my first job at 19, I had little life experience. Academic qualifications don't teach you how to deal with people. In those days (gosh I sound old!), discriminatory actions/comments were often passed off as banter. Next role with same company was more senior; different (more serious) boss who delegated a lot of tasks to me as his PA. When I asked for a progress report, one manager told me lies. When boss asked why, he said I wasn't his boss so he didn't need to be honest with me. Needless to say, he was told off for being disrespectful. One problem I did have, which was recorded on an assessment, was my relationship with female co-workers. I got on better with male co-workers because I could talk about sport. My last job was a totally different "ball game". Strange company culture! Some good people, others were lazy. One director said he had a problem with me because "I was too good". At a one-to-one discussion a few years later, he admitted the comment was purely a reflection on others in the company. My final boss there was nice to start with, then began to find fault. I was in favour until someone new joined his team, then it switched. He liked a drama and I wasn't providing enough for him. Yes, it will affect our self-esteem and make us question whether we want to subject ourselves to further criticism. That's our personal choice. |
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Wise Elder
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#34
Quote:
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: USA
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#35
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I would started scheduling yourself for self care days where you take care of herself mentally and physically. Take a hot bath, go for a walk, watch a movie you like, scream out your frustration in private. Just be sure to take care of yourself. |
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Bill3, Have Hope
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Bill3, Have Hope
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#36
Quote:
I am hanging on by a thread at work right now. I have not found a new job or any new prospects. I am stuck. I am trying to take care of myself, but I am starting to become depressed. Ugh. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Bill3, Buffy01, mssweatypalms
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Buffy01
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Wise Elder
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Location: USA
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#37
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Have Hope
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Grand Magnate
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#38
He shouldn’t have compared you with anybody to begin with.
I can guess the post as a boss is not easy (I wouldn’t ever be able to play this role) but I do think a worker deserves respect and being listened. They are the most valuable element in a place work. You can’t guess how many times my partner has complained his boss about the conditions and treatment this “element” has with his coworkers. He (the boss) doesn’t take actions against my partner because he knows that he needs him. The key is that before this scenario there are people like my partner who takes these discussions without giving a lot of importance and then, there are people like you or me who wonder and question about everything. Even blaming ourselves for daring to “rise” our voice. I understand your concern. I met a man from the UK, working in Germany and he was a model as a boss. He took care of all his coworkers. He talked to them when they had a problem and listened to them. This is a real leader. But, of course, he has a great personality, bubbly, encouraging, understanding and few boss are like that. __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON) |
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Have Hope
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Have Hope
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#39
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And the kind of “nice” boss you describe? They don’t exist in my experience. I’m sure they’re out there, but where? __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Member
Member Since May 2021
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#40
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I had 2 bosses in my second job. They were the best for me. Others complain about their strictness, but it was okay with me. I made some mistakes on the job and got reprimanded, but the respect never changed. They were very good mentors and it was actually one of them who advised me to see a psychiatrist because she knew something was wrong. I never regretted working with them. They taught me how to be professional and treated me and my coworkers equally and fairly. I hope you'll be able to find another job that would make you feel more valued and respected. |
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Have Hope
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Have Hope
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