My boss insulted and demeaned me and I can't get past it

When you say he insulted and demeaned you and was rude, how exactly did he word his criticism? Was it name calling (like saying you are lazy or dumb) or raising his voice at you? He might not think that offering criticism is insulting. I am not saying he didn’t insult you by his criticism, but I wonder if he sees it that way.

I previously said it’s better not say anything to him but now I think it might be better to ask him politely where is he coming from. If he demeaned and insulted you and was rude perhaps it’s better to address it. And if he didn’t offer suggestions of improvement then it needs to be addressed too. If it wasn’t just normal criticism but he was throwing actual rude insults then it’s not ok at all and shouldn’t be tolerated

My boss has moved on as though nothing happened. He's acting congenial again, and even asked me how my weekend was in our 1:1 call yesterday. I wonder what the hell is going on? Why did he let loose on me in one call and then act all put together and nice in the next call?

He doesn’t see it as him insulting you or let lose on you or being rude. He sees that he expressed his opinion about your workload and criticism about the task etc but it doesn’t mean he hates you. I am not saying he was not rude or insulting in that one call but I am sure he didn’t see it at that way so he sees no need to not be nice to you. It wasn’t personal even though it likely felt that way

Possibly, although I feel he is being false. I can hear it in his voice. I think he let his true feelings out in that one call where he came down on me, and then returned to being fake again.

Could be. We do have to fake it at work at times. None of us would keep a job if we truly show what we might think or feel. If he was a friend, that would be different but he isn’t, so let him fake it.

Could be. We do have to fake it at work at times. None of us would keep a job if we truly show what we might think or feel. If he was a friend, that would be different but he isn’t, so let him fake it.

I think this is really excellent advice. I've had my share of sour interactions with supervisors. I've had few supervisors who didn't respect my work. Typically, the feeling was mutual. I've occasionally let a supervisor know that I didn't respect their work. I've also had supervisors who constructively mentored me and even made me feel cherished. My experiences have pretty much encompassed the entire spectrum of possible feedback. Also, I'm very sensitive to how others respond to me. A pat on the head could put me on cloud 9, while a negative appraisal could get me quite dejected.

It's really not good for others to have that much power to control our mood. One of the goals of becoming a mature person is to develop a certain degree of indifference to what others think of us. I'm not saying I've reached that goal yet. I'm working on it. I'll always be working on it. For you to confront your supervisor about his response to you might be a case of you supplying more fuel to a dynamic that would be better left to sputter and peter out. I think challenging him, in any way, will just get you more negative feedback. I say this because he sounds like a negative sort of guy who's over-ready to dump a subordinate who approaches him with an issue. A wise, mature supervisor would have buffered his criticism with something positive . . . unless you were a complete non-performer, which, clearly, you are not.

Some types of people in a work environment are best to kind of avoid. Of course, if you terminate, you'll not have to deal with him further. However, it's probably just a matter of time before you bump into another supervisor like that. So learn what you can from this.

Like Divine says, he's not a friend of yours. If he talks nice to you - even if that niceness is fake - that's really all you need, in the work arena. I've occasionally been "fake-nice" to people at work. I wish, now, that I had been "fake-nice" a lot more often. It's actually a necessary social skill.

HaveHope, I fully understand how this unacceptable behaviour can be a trigger for you. Many of us have a particular issue (or two!) that upsets/angers us more than others. I cannot be hypocritical so don't do fake.

However in this age of equality, being the only female member of the team does not automatically command respect. It's better defined as respectful behaviour towards you as a human being. Yes, there are some things/actions that are unacceptable in our (female) eyes. As I commented earlier in this topic, there's usually a reason for this behaviour.

In my first job at 19, I had little life experience. Academic qualifications don't teach you how to deal with people. In those days (gosh I sound old!), discriminatory actions/comments were often passed off as banter. Next role with same company was more senior; different (more serious) boss who delegated a lot of tasks to me as his PA. When I asked for a progress report, one manager told me lies. When boss asked why, he said I wasn't his boss so he didn't need to be honest with me. Needless to say, he was told off for being disrespectful. One problem I did have, which was recorded on an assessment, was my relationship with female co-workers. I got on better with male co-workers because I could talk about sport.

My last job was a totally different "ball game". Strange company culture! Some good people, others were lazy. One director said he had a problem with me because "I was too good". At a one-to-one discussion a few years later, he admitted the comment was purely a reflection on others in the company. My final boss there was nice to start with, then began to find fault. I was in favour until someone new joined his team, then it switched. He liked a drama and I wasn't providing enough for him.

Yes, it will affect our self-esteem and make us question whether we want to subject ourselves to further criticism. That's our personal choice.

Granted, I approached him with a problem about my workload. Ok, so people here have told me that bosses don't want to hear it if you feel your workload is too heavy.

And granted, we figured out together through this conversation that it was my own fault. I am overworking myself and I am putting in too many hours for two of my clients every week, causing a problem for me. So, my work overload is my own fault, and I acknowledged to him that my problem was self inflicted.

However, at the same time, he insulted my work in this conversation. He criticized a tactic I used on one of my clients' websites, and I got a little defensive about it to him, especially since it's in fact working out well. And before I admitted that my problem was self inflicted, he had compared me to a far more junior former staff member, telling me that the junior staff member had been able to handle all of my accounts before me, so why couldn't I handle the workload? Then he nitpicked over one mistake I made on a client call because I couldn't answer a random question, so he told me I was unprepared for the call, when I had been fully prepared but just couldn't answer the one question. So, basically, I got a lot of negativity and criticism from my boss in this one phone call, when I feel I am working very hard and in my own opinion, am doing a great job so far.

Days later, I am still reeling from the insult and the demeaning comments. I am basically butt hurt from it, and my morale now at work is very low.

My morale is SO low that I am now feeling very depressed and I am not working as hard as I used to. In fact, I started looking for another job, I had an interview yesterday and have had the attitude of screw him. I don't need that kind of treatment. I don't know why he felt the need to insult my work, compare me to another coworker, or nitpick at me very unnecessarily when I've done nothing but work my butt off since arriving back at this job, and when I made the transition for my boss as smooth and as easy as possible when I came back to work for the company. I am also the most senior member on my team and the only female on a team of five men, so I don't know if this is sexism or what.

I don't know how to move past the negative comments - how do I get over this? Do I talk to him about these comments and tell him how I feel, or do I try to just get past it on my own?

I’m so sorry that you were so hurt. You certainly don’t deserve to be treated like this. Good for you looking for a new job. Some manager feel entitled to bully others a small percentage of that group had been bullied themselves and can’t hurt the person who hurt them. Almost all of those things he said to you there a chance that he is saying that to himself.

I would started scheduling yourself for self care days where you take care of herself mentally and physically. Take a hot bath, go for a walk, watch a movie you like, scream out your frustration in private. Just be sure to take care of yourself.

Thanks @Buffy01.

I am hanging on by a thread at work right now. I have not found a new job or any new prospects. I am stuck. I am trying to take care of myself, but I am starting to become depressed. Ugh.

He shouldn’t have compared you with anybody to begin with.
I can guess the post as a boss is not easy (I wouldn’t ever be able to play this role) but I do think a worker deserves respect and being listened. They are the most valuable element in a place work.

You can’t guess how many times my partner has complained his boss about the conditions and treatment this “element” has with his coworkers. He (the boss) doesn’t take actions against my partner because he knows that he needs him.

The key is that before this scenario there are people like my partner who takes these discussions without giving a lot of importance and then, there are people like you or me who wonder and question about everything. Even blaming ourselves for daring to “rise” our voice.
I understand your concern.
I met a man from the UK, working in Germany and he was a model as a boss. He took care of all his coworkers. He talked to them when they had a problem and listened to them. This is a real leader. But, of course, he has a great personality, bubbly, encouraging, understanding and few boss are like that.

And the kind of “nice” boss you describe? They don’t exist in my experience. I’m sure they’re out there, but where?