[cinnamonsun]

This is something I am realizing. I am reading a book and it's not the focus of the book. However, reading about other people's experiences has opened my eyes a whole lot. Firstly, that we all go through some tough and horrible experiences. Secondly, that everyone has to deal with irritations and inconveniences. I'm not the only person who had a big dream and vision, pursued it and it turned into something completely the opposite, was let down and had to walk away. The more I read and listen to other people, I feel like we're all just trying to cope with unfair and annoying things the best we can.

My mind tends to say "It's just me and MY life sucks and it's worse than everyone else's. No one else has to deal with all the BS I go through. I have bad luck and a lot of misfortune." Actually, I realized everyone does.

I drop a dry washcloth while showering and it gets soaked. OMG. And then all the swearing about how unfair my life is and how terrible it is...all because a washcloth fell. I mean. In the grand scheme of things, this is hardly the worst thing that has happened to me. Or. I went to move something and knocked over my empty water bottle and had to pick it up. OMG. CUSSING. Life is awful!

I just knocked over a water bottle and it took a few seconds to fix it. My point is...sometimes the mind turns a molehill into a mountain. I'm not going to say these things are not irritating, because I wouldn't act that way if they weren't. But do they deserve as much energy as I am giving them? Or is it really such a catastrophe that my entire day is now ruined just because I accidentally dropped something or knocked it over? I think this is making too much out of something small. I am learning to expend less energy on these little inconveniences. I no longer tell myself I personally have bad luck, no longer believe I am haunted by misfortune. This perspective is helping to take some of the edge off me and help me relax a bit more, not take everything so seriously. Not everything has to be a big deal.

I wanted to share my insight in case someone else may find insight in it too and it might help them in some way.

[Yaowen]

You sound very wise to me.

Many people grow up with a kind of default attitude of "could be better, but isn't better." I am not criticizing this attitude since the dissatisfaction it breeds has led the human race to create many great things: vaccines for polio, refrigeration, airplanes, elevators, electric lights, computers, medicines of all kinds.

But in excess, the attitude "could be better, but isn't better" tends to engender a particular constellation of thoughts and emotions and moods: frustration, aggravation, anger, guilt, worry, and unhappiness. It would be strange, indeed, if this attitude did not produce such thoughts and feelings.

Some people tend to look at everything through the lens of this attitude. They look at themselves, at others, at events and things in general and think "could be better but isn't better." And since nothing on the earth is infinite and perfect, anything can be looked at in this way.

But there is another way of looking at the very same things, another attitude: "could be worse, but isn't worse." And everything on the earth can be looked at this way too.

For example, this person who has made a mistake could have made a bigger mistake but didn't. This person could have caused genocide but didn't.

This situation in my life, say, might not be good, but it could be worse. I could be trapped in a burning building with no means of escape. I could be stranded in the desert with no water or protection from the heat and sun.
I could have a terminal cancer for which there is no cure and for which present day pain medications do not alleviate my suffering.

Ideally, perhaps, one should be able to move between the "could be better but isn't better" and the "could be worse but isn't worse" attitudes to achieve perspective and a sense of balance and moderation.

But it is often difficult. It could be that biology plays into this, perhaps genetics, heritable things that are not genetic. Young people often go through a period of epic changes in their brain physiology and chemistry and get stuck in the "could be better but isn't better" attitude. But it can happen to anyone at any age.

The "could be worse, but isn't worse" attitude tends to engender very different thoughts, feelings and moods: appreciation, gratitude, peace of mind and joy of living.

The "could be better but isn't better" attitude is often called "perfectionism." In perfectionism, only the perfect is good and anything less than perfect is bad. This tends to destroy the rich range of values in reality.

For example, a girl I knew once wanted to end her life. She told me she was bad. When I asked her why she was bad, she told me that it was because she did not get the top grades in her school.

So I had to explain to her that good and bad form a range of values. No one on earth is perfectly good but some have been very bad indeed. People like Hitler and Stalin who have caused the destruction of tens of millions of people through genocide or campaigns of forced mass starvation.

So I asked this girl, "have you done anything that has caused the destruction of ten million people?" No. "Have you done anything that has caused the destruction of a million or a hundred thousand people?" No.

OK "Have you done anything that has caused the destruction of ten thousand, one thousand or one hundred people?" No. So then, how bad are you really for not getting the top marks in school?

That is the problem with perfectionism. It robs reality of its richness and range. Everything becomes black and white and colorless.

Sometimes when one is a perfectionist and miserable it can help to post little notes all around where one can see them throughout the day and night . . . little notes that say: "could be worse but isn't worse, thank goodness!"

This can form a kind of counter-balance to perfectionism and restore some perspective into one's life.

This seems to be the insight that you have happily discovered but perhaps have not articulated to your satisfaction. In any case, I think your thoughts are really on the path to wisdom and I applaud that in you.

The English expression "making a mountain out of a molehill" captures this quite poetically. The Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu had a somewhat similar saying" "Whoever feels punctured must once have been a bubble." We are often hurt, not by reality, but by our expectations of reality, especially when our expectations are unrealistic.

In any case, "bravo" on your insight and thanks for sharing it here!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by cinnamonsun

This is something I am realizing. I am reading a book and it's not the focus of the book. However, reading about other people's experiences has opened my eyes a whole lot. Firstly, that we all go through some tough and horrible experiences. Secondly, that everyone has to deal with irritations and inconveniences. I'm not the only person who had a big dream and vision, pursued it and it turned into something completely the opposite, was let down and had to walk away. The more I read and listen to other people, I feel like we're all just trying to cope with unfair and annoying things the best we can.

My mind tends to say "It's just me and MY life sucks and it's worse than everyone else's. No one else has to deal with all the BS I go through. I have bad luck and a lot of misfortune." Actually, I realized everyone does.

I drop a dry washcloth while showering and it gets soaked. OMG. And then all the swearing about how unfair my life is and how terrible it is...all because a washcloth fell. I mean. In the grand scheme of things, this is hardly the worst thing that has happened to me. Or. I went to move something and knocked over my empty water bottle and had to pick it up. OMG. CUSSING. Life is awful!

I just knocked over a water bottle and it took a few seconds to fix it. My point is...sometimes the mind turns a molehill into a mountain. I'm not going to say these things are not irritating, because I wouldn't act that way if they weren't. But do they deserve as much energy as I am giving them? Or is it really such a catastrophe that my entire day is now ruined just because I accidentally dropped something or knocked it over? I think this is making too much out of something small. I am learning to expend less energy on these little inconveniences. I no longer tell myself I personally have bad luck, no longer believe I am haunted by misfortune. This perspective is helping to take some of the edge off me and help me relax a bit more, not take everything so seriously. Not everything has to be a big deal.

I wanted to share my insight in case someone else may find insight in it too and it might help them in some way.

I completely understand how you feel. I feel the same way myself.

[*Beth*]

Thank you for sharing your insight!