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cinnamonsun
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Default Oct 17, 2021 at 07:00 PM
  #1
I miss my friends in the community I used to belong to. I miss doing that hobby I love. I'm afraid if I go back, people will be mad at me because I just disappeared without warning because someone I was close to hurt me so deeply. I'm want to return but I'm scared to return because I don't want people to be mad at me. I don't want to deal with the same struggles and problems and bullying and all the things I've been going through on there for nearly 3 years.

But I'm lonely. I'm sad. I miss staying busy. I feel like a fish out of water, I don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying other social media and communities but I can't seem to connect and fit in.

I miss being happy. I miss doing things with others. I miss having creative ideas to make a difference. I keep having these meltdowns and crying and I am having a hard time keeping it together. I can't tell what's good for me anymore. Staying away from or going back. I thought it was destroying my mental health so I left, but not being there is destroying my mental health. I don't know anymore. Maybe it's not so much this or that but me that is the problem.

I feel so utterly lost in life. I don't know what to do or how to help myself. I am trying all sorts of things. Mood journal, regular journal, a vision board, causal conversations, exercise, photography, writing, meditation, affirmations, going to bed earlier, doing research, trying to heal, connecting with a higher power. In a few days, I see a therapist.

At the end of the day, my life still feels like hell and I'm still unhappy and it never gets better or changes. Why doesn't anything work?
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Default Oct 17, 2021 at 07:09 PM
  #2
It sounds like you are grieving the loss of your beloved community. That it so understandable. I am so sorry this happened to you. It may not feel like it now, but it will get better in time for you and you will move on. Do you have any true friends there or did they all side with the narc? I'm glad you're going to see a therapist.
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Default Oct 18, 2021 at 12:38 PM
  #3
They would support me but still remain her friend and support her. Which, I didn't understand. I found out some of them were sharing screenshots of my conversations with them to her. She knew about things she shouldn't have that I confided in private confidence. The community is toxic in a sense that there are no repercussions for toxic behavior, abuse, or bullying. The mentality, "Well, it didn't happen to me so I still like this person. I'm not involved and I will be friends with her if I want to." Which is fine. But how can they say they love me and care about me so much, after seeing what I showed them of how she treated me, and still want to be a friend of that person? What I went through was bad. As in, she was causing me to have nightmares. A lot of them backstabbed and betrayed me, people I'd know for years and trusted. So yeah, it's heartbreaking.

But I guess it is what it is. I've lost everyone I was close to. I no longer have close friends. After I shared things with a few of them they started to distance from me as if I was the problem. It just it what it is. I'll never understand how someone goes from "You are one of the most important people in my life." To "I found someone so much better and cooler so bye."

I'm slowly making peace with things. After leaving, my self-esteem has been improving. I'd like to go back someday, but not for a while. I need to heal, and I need to work on myself. I spent the last few years prioritizing other people in that community and doing all I could to help others. I think I deserve some time to focus on me for a change.
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Default Oct 18, 2021 at 12:55 PM
  #4
I believe you're on the right track & will eventually heal. I feel very sad for you. I am so sorry you are going through this.

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Default Oct 18, 2021 at 01:28 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn View Post
I believe you're on the right track & will eventually heal. I feel very sad for you. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I know this isn't a spiritual thread, but, the Sanskrit word for the heart chakra is Anahata. This word means unbreakable, unbroken. So I do believe I will heal because I don't think anything I go through will ever prevent me from loving others.

Right now, it is just very hard. I'm doing my best to be compassionate and patient with myself. Thank you for your compassion for me. It is very appreciated. .
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Default Oct 18, 2021 at 01:57 PM
  #6
Maybe in time you can make new and better friends. I wish you healing and self care.
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Default Oct 18, 2021 at 02:01 PM
  #7
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Originally Posted by cinnamonsun View Post
I know this isn't a spiritual thread, but, the Sanskrit word for the heart chakra is Anahata. This word means unbreakable, unbroken. So I do believe I will heal because I don't think anything I go through will ever prevent me from loving others.

Right now, it is just very hard. I'm doing my best to be compassionate and patient with myself. Thank you for your compassion for me. It is very appreciated. .
Thank you so much! We have a lot in common!

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