Family is family

AzulOscuro · Nov 15, 2021, 03:39 PM

Family is that group you grew up with but sometimes there’s nothing else beyond that.

I belong to a culture where family matters a lot but I see in my particular case, this idillic picture doesn’t take place.

I know in other cultures, it’s easier to put up with this idea about people who matters are the ones you find in your life and you feel confortable with and you trust. But, in my case it’s harder to digest. Anyway, I have found that this is the reality. I don’t feel support by my family or at least, taken into consideration by them. It’s a sour fruit to eat but it’s true in many cases.

Yaowen · Nov 15, 2021, 07:01 PM

I felt this way too until my father passed. Things are a lot better in my family now but I can certainly identify with what you write!

AzulOscuro · Nov 16, 2021, 05:15 AM

My case is equal to yours but opposite in the sense that when my dad passed away, everything went downhill. It seems as everybody took their masks off, including myself.
Each day I cope worse with hypocrisy, it’s meaningless and when I see fake things, I begin to disengaging more and more from people who I perceive as such. I never have any problem with it when it happened to me with people outside the family but I never thought that it was gonna happen with close relatives. Kind of cultural stuff, I guess, that increases my incredulity but thinking in a rational way is completely understandable. The members in some families happen to understand and create strong bonds but in many cases, it doesn’t happen and I experience this last case.

Nov 17, 2021, 09:28 AM

I have no family who I talk with anymore.

I don't even have the last name of them. when I was kicked out of the family, I was forced to change it

AzulOscuro · Nov 22, 2021, 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by raging vortex

I have no family who I talk with anymore.

I don't even have the last name of them. when I was kicked out of the family, I was forced to change it

I only hope you have other people to count with. Because all need other people. I’m sorry for what you go through with your family. Noone should go through this but it happens. My respect, affection and caring to you. It’s not easy the place you are in.

sarcgeo · Nov 30, 2021, 11:36 AM

Azul,

From my experience, my family for the most part, have always found a way to remind me of how I messed up. They always like to remind me of my failures and for me, family has become bittersweet.

There is one uncle, whom I have considered to be my worst adversary. He constantly reminds me of how I messed up, he never can see me for who I am today.

I have never had the experience of what a "healthy" family should be, or perhaps is that a utopia?

--Sarc

moodyblue83 · Dec 10, 2021, 08:00 AM

Blood family doesn’t mean ***t. If you have a loving family that you grew up with your very lucky.
I haven’t even spoken to my brothers or sisters in years. In the end you’ll find out how most people are just for themselves
and really don’t care about others. We all seem to use each other and wear masks throughout life.
Especially when it comes to $$$ ……then you really see the disgusting behavior of “ your family”.
And I’m including the family you make after your birth family. Give me even just ONE good friend and
I’ll be very happy.

sanityThruLight · Dec 10, 2021, 03:07 PM

I have a very skewed view of family due to my circumstances, but I will give you my 2 cents anyways.

I was adopted as a baby. I spent 3 months in an orphanage before my adopted parents took me home. When I was 4, my adopted mother died of cancer. I don't remember anything before the very moment my father told me my mom was dead.

My dad remarried about a year later. My step family was emotionally abusive to me and I was all alone. My step mother even turned my father against me. I was in high school as well before I moved out, so this compounded the issue.

My father died about 8 years ago of a massive stroke.

It was just me and my step family (and my older sister who was adopted by my parents too, although she is not my blood sister) left to figure out life without him. For years, I played along thinking that was what my dad would want, but now I have completely shut them off. I don't even act like they exist. My wife forces me to email my step mom every now and again, but I do that as little as possible.

I have my wife's family now who are supportive and loving and aware of my illness. Nothing I could do, short of abusing my wife, would make them love me any less.

They say you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. I disagree. I believe you can choose your family AND your friends and I would be willing to cut off a family member faster than a friend because they are supposed to love you unconditionally.

AzulOscuro · Dec 16, 2021, 08:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by moodyblue83

Blood family doesn’t mean ***t. If you have a loving family that you grew up with your very lucky.
I haven’t even spoken to my brothers or sisters in years. In the end you’ll find out how most people are just for themselves
and really don’t care about others. We all seem to use each other and wear masks throughout life.
Especially when it comes to $$$ ……then you really see the disgusting behavior of “ your family”.
And I’m including the family you make after your birth family. Give me even just ONE good friend and
I’ll be very happy.

I do agree with what you say. Only I don’t have this pessimistic opinion about being all of us the same. I do really think that there are people who are different and pure and don’t let them drive by superficial things.

AzulOscuro · Dec 16, 2021, 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sanityThruLight

I have a very skewed view of family due to my circumstances, but I will give you my 2 cents anyways.

I was adopted as a baby. I spent 3 months in an orphanage before my adopted parents took me home. When I was 4, my adopted mother died of cancer. I don't remember anything before the very moment my father told me my mom was dead.

My dad remarried about a year later. My step family was emotionally abusive to me and I was all alone. My step mother even turned my father against me. I was in high school as well before I moved out, so this compounded the issue.

My father died about 8 years ago of a massive stroke.

It was just me and my step family (and my older sister who was adopted by my parents too, although she is not my blood sister) left to figure out life without him. For years, I played along thinking that was what my dad would want, but now I have completely shut them off. I don't even act like they exist. My wife forces me to email my step mom every now and again, but I do that as little as possible.

I have my wife's family now who are supportive and loving and aware of my illness. Nothing I could do, short of abusing my wife, would make them love me any less.

They say you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. I disagree. I believe you can choose your family AND your friends and I would be willing to cut off a family member faster than a friend because they are supposed to love you unconditionally.

Thank you for sharing your story. You went through so much. I’m very sorry your adoptive mother died. You must have felt so alone.
I’m very happy you found warmth in your wife’s family. Finally, you found a place to be comfortable in.

modestlychee6463 · Dec 17, 2021, 05:17 PM

Yeah. Family is family alright. You're less likely to feel happy in your family if you were born autistic because you felt that maybe you were the one that screwed up everything.

AzulOscuro · Dec 19, 2021, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by modestlychee6463

Yeah. Family is family alright. You're less likely to feel happy in your family if you were born autistic because you felt that maybe you were the one that screwed up everything.

From your post, I guess you are somewhere in the Autism spectrum. I would enlarge the case of not being accepted or being kind of different into a family group, any other mental or physical issue.

Parents as a rule, want a perfect child (if this even exists) so there’s a tendency to express this disappointment somehow or another. Obviously, not all parents and relatives are like that but there are still a big group who go themselves like this.

You know what? Autism has nothing bad. I know it’s harder for others to establish connections with people who are like this (depending on the grade) but people is not perfect. Everyone has an issue, this or another nature. It doesn’t mind. The person is over it all.

modestlychee6463 · Dec 20, 2021, 12:03 PM

That's so true alright. Some parents would love a child who has nothing like that, especially no funny mannerisms and being able to socialize appropriately. Being born a girl was the cherry on top too. laughs. What hope would God have for me? I always felt like a rather sick family joke.

RoxanneToto · Dec 20, 2021, 01:04 PM

I was also adopted and while I know I couldn’t stay with my birth family, I still consider them to be a part of me, in some ways more so than my adoptive one.
I met my brother (who I wasn’t told about) as a teenager, and now I’ve just started the process of reconciliation with him and my other siblings; I’ve been through a lot of disenfranchised grief and anger over the years, especially lately, as I found out both my adoptive and bio dad were addicts (addicts aren’t supposed to be allowed to adopt, but my adoptive dad’s alcoholism was covered up. I don’t drink, but I hate the fact it’s the main thing my life has revolved around, including being moved into pubs my dad was “working” in, to him having countless falls at home and out… plus there’s so much more I could literally, and comfortably fill a novel. Adoption is apparently meant to provide the chance of a better life for a child, but in my case I don’t think it was a huge step up).

AzulOscuro · Dec 20, 2021, 04:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

I was also adopted and while I know I couldn’t stay with my birth family, I still consider them to be a part of me, in some ways more so than my adoptive one.
I met my brother (who I wasn’t told about) as a teenager, and now I’ve just started the process of reconciliation with him and my other siblings; I’ve been through a lot of disenfranchised grief and anger over the years, especially lately, as I found out both my adoptive and bio dad were addicts (addicts aren’t supposed to be allowed to adopt, but my adoptive dad’s alcoholism was covered up. I don’t drink, but I hate the fact it’s the main thing my life has revolved around, including being moved into pubs my dad was “working” in, to him having countless falls at home and out… plus there’s so much more I could literally, and comfortably fill a novel. Adoption is apparently meant to provide the chance of a better life for a child, but in my case I don’t think it was a huge step up).

You are very right. It had to be a hell what you went through. Not only dealing with being adopted but also find your adoptive family also struggled on offering you a good childhood.
I’m sorry a lot. I can guess how much it all conditioned your development.
Hope you are finding some peace of mind and consider yourself a person who deserves all.

NotFit · Dec 25, 2021, 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Family is that group you grew up with but sometimes there’s nothing else beyond that.

I belong to a culture where family matters a lot but I see in my particular case, this idillic picture doesn’t take place.

I know in other cultures, it’s easier to put up with this idea about people who matters are the ones you find in your life and you feel confortable with and you trust. But, in my case it’s harder to digest. Anyway, I have found that this is the reality. I don’t feel support by my family or at least, taken into consideration by them. It’s a sour fruit to eat but it’s true in many cases.

I came to say about the same thing. I think the problem is in some cultures, the expectation from family is high because of the appearance of tied relationships. But all of this is just a lie in most cases. Once you need them, all of them disappear like a smoke. In Western cultures, especially Northern European countries, the expectation from families are low, compared to Southern European countries for example.

AzulOscuro · Dec 27, 2021, 04:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NotFit

I came to say about the same thing. I think the problem is in some cultures, the expectation from family is high because of the appearance of tied relationships. But all of this is just a lie in most cases. Once you need them, all of them disappear like a smoke. In Western cultures, especially Northern European countries, the expectation from families are low, compared to Southern European countries for example.

Yes, it’s totally different here in the Southern countries. I guess it has to be with social-economic along with religious factors.