Lowering my standards

I am disappointed with my life. Never had I imagined this would be my life. I am scared. I wish I could wake up from my nightmare. Every dream I wanted has about shattered. Now I am stuck living with my friend who annoys me with his antivaxx and scamdemic beliefs. I can't stand having a conversation with him as we have nothing in common but he provides a place for me to stay and cooks and cleans for me. I try to be appreciative of him because staying with him helps me build my savings and he doesn't ask for much compared to living with family.

My mother thinks we are married but it couldn'tbe further from the truth. I don't share my challenges with my mother and sister because I left them to live with him and my mother didn't want me to leave and there is no chance I want to go back living with my mother and be restricted from doing things.

Everyone tells me I should leave him but where to go. I have never lived on my own and I am afraid to now. My friend restricts me too but he gives me some freedom that I didn't get before.

I have zoom meetings with my mental support group run by volunteers with mental illness but they don't want to hear my issues. I have to be careful with what I share. They don't know me and the more i share, their comments can feel offensive. I find that I can't rely on them for any kind of personal issues.

I am just struggling to keep my 2 jobs and build up my savings after not working so long. In my full time professional job, I have to sacrifice so much discomfort but my pay is decent. Because the pay is decent and I don't feel motivated to find another job, I feel stuck in my jobs.

I feel trapped. I only have one friend that I can talk and she is ill.

I don't know how life can get better. I don't have enough savings to feel secure.

I am very sorry you are in that situation. It sounds like a situation that I would find it very hard to bear if I was in your shoes. Must be so stressful and distressing! It is sad that your support group is not very supportive. Wish I knew what to say to help.

Yes, it is stressful. I cried thousand tears but nobody cares. For a time recently, I had problems with my main job because they felt like I wasn't pulling my weight but I tried my best. My manager wanted me to go on medical leave but i knew i didn't want to. Because I was in trouble, I had to forget about all my other problems and just focus on doing my job well. I felt harassed because my new boss who was my coworker got promoted and he was complaining about me. And I had no motivation to apply for another job. It is good thing we are working from home but I am not one who can hide my emotions. My support grpup had told me to complain to them about feeling harrassed but I didn't want to do that because I knew it would only get ugly and I needed to show I was a professional. So, I avoided any mention about how I was feeling and I worked hard everyday and cried before and afterwards. I think it worked because my boss is not harassing me so much anymore. I just knew from past experience, that expressing how stressed I was feeling could potentially count against me and produce an uncomfortable work environment and it's hard to turn it around.

I had to be like robot like Data from Star Trek and only focus on facts. I don't love my job but it pays money. I don't love money either but it's a security blanket because I don't know how much longer I can keep working but I don't want to be struggling financially.

My 2nd job in retail I keep despite I have a decent job and they allow me to work a few hours because i have seniority. The reason I keep it because I know how important money is. And I hate applying for jobs. It took me a long time to get these jobs. I don't want to throw them away.
People tell me to quit this job but I am scared that if I quit, I wouldn't be able to get it back and it's hard to lose income even if it's a small portion. I know what's it's like to not be working and being treated miserably.

I am constantly fighting my emotions and not wanting to do my job or having to visit my family but having to do it anyways.