advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
KD1980
Member
 
KD1980's Avatar
KD1980 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2018
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 368
5 yr Member
1,334 hugs
given
Default Feb 20, 2022 at 04:34 PM
  #1
CN: Physical abuse, assault, hair pulling, child abuse, various traumas.

I've been haunted lately by something from my past. To give some context, My Story of Abuse

When I was in my early 20s, my biological father continued to abuse me and terrorize me. He would come into my room at 3am to wake me up and ask if I took his Tupperware. He did this every night for months. He would also blame me for the cats missing the litter box. To punish me, he would pick up the bathroom mat and put it near my bed.

When I was about 25, we got into a physical altercation: he ran after me, pulled my hair and slapped me in the face. After that, I knew no one would protect me and my grandmother (whose name was on the lease) would not kick him out or do anything about the abuse. I stopped talking to him as a way to protect myself. A few months later, a friend spoke to me and somehow convinced me to give him a second chance. I did, and he was nice to me for a month then went back to his toxic ways. Once again, I set a boundary and stopped speaking to him.

In the fall of that same year, I moved in with my partner. I had to call home and I spoke to my grandmother. She tricked me and betrayed me by putting my biological father on the phone as a way of forcing me to talk to him. Not speaking to him was the one way I could think of to protect myself, as well as hold him accountable for what he did to me and others. I felt like she was saying "just let him abuse you."

I am haunted by the way she cared more about us not talking to each other than the abuse I suffered. I think it's disturbing. Can anyone shed light on why she did this? I know she is old fashioned and my brother thinks she's a narcissist. I can only think that she's a sadist who wants me to suffer. She knows I could have had a nervous breakdown. It happens in our family: both her husband and daughter had nervous breakdowns. Why would she do that to me knowing what he did and what it could do to my mental health?
KD1980 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, Discombobulated, Fuzzybear, RoxanneToto, Sohappy

advertisement
Bill3
Legendary
Bill3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,923
15 yr Member
24.1k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Feb 21, 2022 at 05:06 PM
  #2
I'm really sorry that this happened to you, and from your own grandmother. It must hurt so much.

I can't imagine why she would do something so unsupportive and betraying. What does she have to say for herself about it?
Bill3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Fuzzybear, KD1980
 
Thanks for this!
RoxanneToto
KD1980
Member
 
KD1980's Avatar
KD1980 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2018
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 368
5 yr Member
1,334 hugs
given
Default Feb 21, 2022 at 05:24 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
I'm really sorry that this happened to you, and from your own grandmother. It must hurt so much.

I can't imagine why she would do something so unsupportive and betraying. What does she have to say for herself about it?
Not much. She once said, when I asked her why she would tell him things we did so he would beat us, "I didn't know he would beat you." She was lying. She knew.

My brother thinks she's a narcissist. I'm not sure. I know she has no compassion for women.
KD1980 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, Fuzzybear, RoxanneToto
RoxanneToto
Grand Poohbah
RoxanneToto has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: England
Posts: 1,692
3 yr Member
6,991 hugs
given
Default Feb 21, 2022 at 05:41 PM
  #4
I don’t think the precise diagnosis matters, but whatever it is, she’s an abuser and sounds disordered in some way. I’m sorry you had to endure this crap. I think it’s rather telling that her husband and daughter both had nervous breakdowns; I suspect her behaviour also had something to do with those.
RoxanneToto is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Fuzzybear, KD1980
 
Thanks for this!
Bill3
Fuzzybear
Wisest Elder Ever
 
Fuzzybear's Avatar
Fuzzybear has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,301 (SuperPoster!)
20 yr Member
81.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Apr 10, 2022 at 07:36 PM
  #5

__________________
Fuzzybear is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3
Graciy
Junior Member
 
Graciy's Avatar
Graciy has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2022
Location: Canada
Posts: 17
1 yr Member
13 hugs
given
Default Apr 20, 2022 at 07:08 PM
  #6
Hi I'm new but I was wondering if she abused your Father when he was little. She seems to think the abusive behaviour was ok. I'm just learning that people have dark secrets in their closets.
Graciy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
KD1980
 
Thanks for this!
Bill3
KD1980
Member
 
KD1980's Avatar
KD1980 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2018
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 368
5 yr Member
1,334 hugs
given
Default Apr 21, 2022 at 01:17 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Graciy View Post
Hi I'm new but I was wondering if she abused your Father when he was little. She seems to think the abusive behaviour was ok. I'm just learning that people have dark secrets in their closets.
She kinda did? My grandfather was the one who was more abusive to her children. She was also abused by my grandfather. She does seem to think abuse is normal.

I just don't know what else he could do to me to make her see that I had to stay away from him. It seemed like I had to give him countless chances.
KD1980 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Graciy
Junior Member
 
Graciy's Avatar
Graciy has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2022
Location: Canada
Posts: 17
1 yr Member
13 hugs
given
Default Apr 21, 2022 at 04:09 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by KD1980 View Post
She kinda did? My grandfather was the one who was more abusive to her children. She was also abused by my grandfather. She does seem to think abuse is normal.

I just don't know what else he could do to me to make her see that I had to stay away from him. It seemed like I had to give him countless chances.
She may never change. I don't know how old she is but seniors rely on how they were brought up and experiences to form their thoughts into what is acceptable and what's not.
I had parents who were in their late 40's when they had me. The time was so different back then. People were rougher with each other. They believed spare the rod, spoil the child. No one, talked about any kind of abuse. It was locked behind closed doors and if you ever tried to open that door (I tried with my parents) believe me it got slammed shut right away.

I think the thing to remember is that you don't need to talk to your Dad or Grandmother for that matter. Don't answer the phone when she calls. Try getting close to other family members or if thats not possible. Pick your relatives from friends, meaning I have 2 friends that I can tell anything to. I consider them my family.

I sincerely hope that you can make things good for YOU. This life is your journey and you have every right to set boundaries that make you happy.
hugs
Graciy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
KD1980
Sohappy
Member
Sohappy Edit
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: Canada
Posts: 131
5 yr Member
79 hugs
given
Default Apr 23, 2022 at 10:42 PM
  #9
That is horrible. It doesn't sound like you can trust your grandmother if she thinks abuse is normal and was brought up that way.

When people are brought up in a toxic environment and it's all they have known, it's very hard to change the person's mind.

I know it hurts that she seems to accept him being abusive is okay. No, it's not okay. Did you let her know that was not OK? Do you have to keep Interacting with her?

Sohappy is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
KD1980
KD1980
Member
 
KD1980's Avatar
KD1980 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2018
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 368
5 yr Member
1,334 hugs
given
Default Apr 24, 2022 at 01:44 PM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sohappy View Post
That is horrible. It doesn't sound like you can trust your grandmother if she thinks abuse is normal and was brought up that way.

When people are brought up in a toxic environment and it's all they have known, it's very hard to change the person's mind.

I know it hurts that she seems to accept him being abusive is okay. No, it's not okay. Did you let her know that was not OK? Do you have to keep Interacting with her?

She has dementia now and she doesn't remember what she did. This happened maybe 12 years ago. I live with her and work as her home attendant. I wish I could get away from her, but I have complex PTSD and i can't work a full time job easily.
KD1980 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:58 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.