My father is in the hospital

My father is estranged from his sister, but not from my cousins, his sister's kids, although they haven't spoken in several years. Well, I took the liberty to let my two cousins know of his terminal disease, his condition and the fact that he's very ill in the hospital. I felt it was the right thing to do and informed my dad afterwards. They will reach out to him.

I guess I just felt family is really important, and his family doesn't even know. It's SO sad and tragic what happened between he and his sister. He tried to make amends, but she wouldn't have it. And now, he is very ill, he is dying of a disease, and she has no clue. SO SAD.

I just hope he won't mind my having reached out to them without asking him first. I am sure he is Ok with it though, and I am sure he will appreciate them reaching out.

He’s being transferred to ICU this morning because he requires so much oxygen. That’s all we know right now and no other details. I’m going in to maybe say my goodbyes. I don’t yet know.

ICU might be just a temporary measure. Hang in there. Thinking about you

Thanks so much divine. They had no beds in ICU so they’re maintaining his oxygen level in the room. I visited him today and did not have to say goodbye - not yet at least. His disease has progressed since he’s been hospitalized. I’m going to bring him pizza tomorrow. He wants pizza.

It turns out that my father was not thrilled I contacted my cousins to let them know he is ill with a terminal disease. He does not want his sister knowing this. He told me yesterday when I visited that he has closed that chapter of his life. She last told him that she "loves" him, but "does not like him". They haven't spoken since.

This morning I told him to at least reply to my cousins via text to thank them for their messages of concern. When I first contacted them, I said that dad would appreciate hearing from them. Yet, he hasn't replied yet.

I really felt it was the right thing to do, and now I don't think so anymore. I wish I hadn't reached out to them, but 20/20 hindsight. I also though that dad WOULD appreciate hearing from them - they ARE family, after all, and they're on his side of the family.

How sad and tragic that he is dying yet he and his sister refuse to speak. He will die, and she will not even know. Would she even come to his funeral?????

And it's all over money! Of course!!! What else drives families apart in this way?!? His sister had tried to sue him over their father's estate after their father had passed.

Granted, his sister is a very self-serving, selfish woman who creates conflicts and rifts with other family members. She didn't even speak to her own kids for a few years at one point over a conflict. She is one messed up individual.

I guess it wasn't my place to do this..... my heart was in the right place though and my mother didn't think it was so bad of me to do. She thought it was a thoughtful gesture. But my dad? It goes against his wishes and he doesn't want his sister knowing or hearing anything of his illness.

The whole thing makes me very sad.

My father is out of options in terms of treatments. The antibiotics did nothing and the steroids did not help. His disease has progressed since he's been hospitalized. He is now asking for a medication that will allow him to be more out of it and comfortable because breathing is so hard.

I spent a good chunk of time with him yesterday and on Saturday. We will visit him again after work today, but he may be out of it when I talk to him.

Mom asked me if I had anything special to say to him.... I did not. All I could say to my father was that he's been a wonderful father. I could not muster up anything else. My father and I have had a conflicted relationship, mostly when I was a kid but also as an adult. As a result, we've had a more distant relationship, even though I would confide in him and often speak to him for his advice. A a kid, I felt he mentally and verbally abused me, and that he's the reason why I ended up in so many abusive relationships in my adulthood. So, I have conflicted feelings towards my father, and they're coming out now, while he's on his death bed.

I feel guilty for not saying anything more special to him, but I just couldn't do it.

((((((((Have Hope))))))))

You are doing what you can.

((((((((Have Hope))))))))

Thanks so much, @Bill3.

It's very hard to see someone we love so much in a bad medical situation. It makes one feel so helpless. I went through a tough time when I learned my father had fallen and broken his hip. It was not good; he was never the same, and he died about 2 months later. It was such a terrible time for all of us.

My heart goes out to you. I know he knows you love him. Every display of affection is a positive and powerful thing, and so important, for you, too.

It's very nice of you to bring him pizza. I hope he enjoys it very much.

Wishing you and your family strength and please remember to take care of yourself, as well, during this difficult time....

@MuseumGhost, that sounds very difficult and I am so sorry for your loss.

And thanks so much for your comforting words and well wishes.

He couldn't eat the pizza, after we brought it to him. He is now only drinking Ensure nutrient drinks and is barely able to eat actual food.

We have gone to the hospital every day to see him, and I will continue to go until he passes.

He is now talking about wanting to be home to die. He doesn't want to die in the hospital, understandably.

It could be 1 day, it could be a week, or it could be two weeks or more. We have no idea right now how long he will be able to live. It takes so much effort for him to just breathe. But he is prepared now to move on, mentally. He is no longer holding onto false hopes that he can get better.

So sorry it’s never easy

Thanks so much. It’s very very difficult.

Thanks for the hugs.

I spent some time alone with dad last night in the hospital. I told him my favorite memories of him, and thanked him for all he's done for me, and most especially when he flew solo out to California to rescue me when I had a mental breakdown.

I also got read the riot act about my financial situation. He urged me and my husband to start saving money, to see their accountant and to start building a 401K for retirement. We have nothing at the moment.

As of this morning, he is asking to be on morphine regularly so he doesn't have to work so hard to breathe. It's close to the end, in this case.

He cannot go home to die due to the logistics. He cannot maintain the same oxygen level at home, so he needs to die in the hospital.

I do have mixed feelings based on my upbringing with my father. I have had all sorts of emotions over this because he had been so overly critical of me as a kid and had neglected me. I ended up in many abusive relationships as a result. I have forgiven him, but that doesn't mean I don't have some mixed emotions. He was a far better father to me as an adult, and for that, I am grateful.

((((((((Have Hope))))))))

@Bill3, thank you. I always greatly appreciate your hugs and support.

Dad has requested that the whole family come to the hospital this afternoon, so I am taking the day off from work. He is requesting to be on morphine now during the day as well as anti-anxiety meds because he gets anxious about trying to breathe. He is taking the morphine because it's too much work to try to breathe. He will soon be too out of it to talk to us coherently on the morphine combined with the ativan, so we're all going today to say our goodbyes. As of last night, my dad told me he thinks he has about 1-2 days left here.

((((((((Have Hope))))))))

I am so very sorry