My father is in the hospital

Thank you, divine.

It was a nice family gathering. We all shared stories and had a few laughs. It was cathartic.

I said goodbye. As I was hugging him, telling him I love him and will miss him, after roughly 30 seconds, I said out loud "ok" and I pulled away. I was crying, but for some reason, I had to pull away and probably a little too soon, since he was still hugging me. I feel guilty, and I don't know why I had to pull away. Maybe because of my mixed emotions?

Mixed emotions, which are so powerful and raw at times like this. Also, our nervous systems can take only so much anguish. Being in this state for long periods of time can wreak havoc with it, and our reactions to things can be quite different from our normal, usual selves. I know this issue personally, too.

I was very depressed when my Dad was in so much pain, and basically dying. It was excruciating for me. When I went for visits, there was only one time when I wasn't alone. Yet, I couldn't ever find the words to say to him, since he always appeared to be sleeping. I didn't want to wake him, as I never knew how much trouble he had getting to sleep, and it was a respite for him. But I could never pull my thoughts together, or find the words to say, to even whisper them to him.

I had to rely on the fact that we had both, in his later years, made amends for a lot of what had been missing when we were growing up. I had to count on him knowing that I loved him, no matter what.

I don't talk about this with very many people. Mostly because it is all so personal and private, I feel. But also because it brings up so much that I still, 12 years later, can't find the right words to convey how I feel about it all.

All I can do is say, I genuinely understand, and sympathize, and wish I could help more than you will ever know.

I am glad your family members are present, and can accompany you through this part of your path.

So sorry to hear what you are going through with your Dad. My Mum had COPD, it's scary watching someone you love struggling to breathe. Hopefully they will make him more comfortable with the anti-anxiety meds.

Hindsight is a perfect science. You did what you thought was right at the time with regards to contacting his sister's family. Please don't beat yourself up about it. Even if he doesn't agree, your Dad will know you were only doing it from a place of love.

My thoughts are with you.

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Thank you so much for your caring.

I understand how it can be difficult to talk about. I have difficulty talking about one very dark aspect of my relationship with my father.

It's beautiful that you had made amends before your dad was sick.

My dad and I never truly made amends.... we tried, but ultimately, I still felt cheated of what I truly needed to hear from him. I never received an apology for hurting me when I was younger.

We still maintained a somewhat close-ish yet distant relationship as adults. He still gave me advice, which leant to us being close. But I would call and want to speak with mom, mostly, which is the distance.

Thank you so much for your supportive words and encouragement.

I did feel I was doing the right thing by contacting his sister's kids. They likely told his sister that he is sick, which is what my father did not want. There's nothing I can do about it now, but yeah, I did think it was OK when I did that. Most importantly, he doesn't want her coming to the funeral, and that will be taken care of, so that's good.

And yes, it is very scary watching him having trouble breathing. He said it's like being pushed under the water by someone. The morphine helps with that tremendously, and the anti-anxiety medication.

He’s now gone. I watched him die. They took him off the oxygen, at his request, and he died an hour later. I will never forget this image as long as I live. He will be greatly missed.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

((((((((Have Hope))))))))

I’m sorry. It’s hard to lose a parent.

Oh no I am so sad for you and your family

I'm sorry for your God's illness and suffering--and for what you're going through as a result.

Thank you all.

I think I may be a bit traumatized. I've never seen someone die before. I held his hand as he went, and I won't get graphic, but it was disturbing to see.

My mom is glad I was with her in the hospital today. She said she could not have been there alone. I am glad I could be there for her.

That sounds very very hard.

I'm so sorry.

((((((((Have Hope))))))))

It was.

Thank you.

Oh no, I'm so sorry for the loss of your father.

My mom died similarly, but it a nursing home and she was the first person whose death I witnessed. I was.....disturbed...for a long time after. I think it took about a year for that image to go away. Be patient with yourself, it will go and it'll be replaced with more pleasant memories.

Thank you so very much.

The image is sharp in my mind..... ouch. Hard hard hard. I imagine it will take me a long time to recover from that alone.

I can’t believe he’s gone. Just three weeks ago we were all together with him at a bbq. A week later, he’s in ER, and two weeks later, he died. It was all so fast. He was diagnosed only 8 months ago, but he’s had this disease go undetected for several years. When he was first diagnosed the doctor said it’s not a death sentence - but it actually was. He only survived hardly 8 more months.

My sadness is deep. I put a picture of he and I on my bedside table. Now I’m truly feeling the pain of the loss.

I'm so sorry.

Thank you, dearest @Bill3.