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Default Jun 23, 2022 at 07:26 PM
  #1
This goes way beyond a simple misunderstanding.
Some time ago my husband and I were having one of our deep discussions and I finally admitted to him that I really don't like being touched, at least initially. If you put your arm around my shoulder I will stiffen up for a split second and then I'm okay with it for the most part. I understand why this happens and I explained it to him.
His response devastated me. In a misguided attempt to alleviate my fears, he said that from now on he would wait for me to initiate it. The problem with that is I simply can't. I understand the reasons for it as well. Again I explained it to him.
He is so adamant that he doesn't want to trigger me that I've given up on solving this problem. Finally today I sent him a text message at work to tell him about how when I wake up at night I just want to put my arm around him and pull him close but I can't.
I know I don't make any sense but there are reasons I am the way I am and they can't be fixed. I just need him to go back to the way he was before I told him that but he can't either.

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Default Jun 23, 2022 at 08:26 PM
  #2
I'm sorry you've encountered this misunderstanding with your hubby. But I understand how you feel about being touched, as I feel similarly. My own difficulty with being touched is something that has developed largely over the course of the past 20+ years or so. It's complicated. So I'll spare you the details. (Come to think of it though I even recall my mother once telling me that when she would try to hold me, as an infant, I'd stiffen up like a board and scream.)

I understand the reasons for my own difficulty with being touched (or at least I think I do.) But I don't talk with my wife about it. She wouldn't care to talk about it and wouldn't understand it if I tried to explain it. (We've never developed the ability to have deep discussions. And realistically I probably couldn't offer a coherent explanation anyway.) Quite often though, when I'm having a particularly bad day, one of the things that comes reflexively spilling out of my mouth is: "I just want to be left alone. Please just leave me alone." So, to a large extent, that's mostly what she does now.

I hope you and your husband can find your way back to the way your relationship was prior to your deep discussion. I don't know how old your husband is of course. But I do think as men begin to get a bit older (not as old as I am!) they can sometimes tend to become less interested in, and perhaps less comfortable with, intimacy in general. So perhaps telling your husband about your difficulty with touch gave him an opportunity to avoid something he was feeling uncomfortable with anyway? I don't know. It's just a thought. Best wishes...

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Default Jun 24, 2022 at 04:33 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
I'm sorry you've encountered this misunderstanding with your hubby. But I understand how you feel about being touched, as I feel similarly. My own difficulty with being touched is something that has developed largely over the course of the past 20+ years or so. It's complicated. So I'll spare you the details. (Come to think of it though I even recall my mother once telling me that when she would try to hold me, as an infant, I'd stiffen up like a board and scream.)

I understand the reasons for my own difficulty with being touched (or at least I think I do.) But I don't talk with my wife about it. She wouldn't care to talk about it and wouldn't understand it if I tried to explain it. (We've never developed the ability to have deep discussions. And realistically I probably couldn't offer a coherent explanation anyway.) Quite often though, when I'm having a particularly bad day, one of the things that comes reflexively spilling out of my mouth is: "I just want to be left alone. Please just leave me alone." So, to a large extent, that's mostly what she does now.

I hope you and your husband can find your way back to the way your relationship was prior to your deep discussion. I don't know how old your husband is of course. But I do think as men begin to get a bit older (not as old as I am!) they can sometimes tend to become less interested in, and perhaps less comfortable with, intimacy in general. So perhaps telling your husband about your difficulty with touch gave him an opportunity to avoid something he was feeling uncomfortable with anyway? I don't know. It's just a thought. Best wishes...

We both turn 60 this year.

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Default Jun 24, 2022 at 07:44 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by Werewoman View Post
This goes way beyond a simple misunderstanding.
Some time ago my husband and I were having one of our deep discussions and I finally admitted to him that I really don't like being touched, at least initially. If you put your arm around my shoulder I will stiffen up for a split second and then I'm okay with it for the most part. I understand why this happens and I explained it to him.
His response devastated me. In a misguided attempt to alleviate my fears, he said that from now on he would wait for me to initiate it. The problem with that is I simply can't. I understand the reasons for it as well. Again I explained it to him.
He is so adamant that he doesn't want to trigger me that I've given up on solving this problem. Finally today I sent him a text message at work to tell him about how when I wake up at night I just want to put my arm around him and pull him close but I can't.
I know I don't make any sense but there are reasons I am the way I am and they can't be fixed. I just need him to go back to the way he was before I told him that but he can't either.
Oh, sheesh. Yeah, that is trouble. I have thought about that myself...

I think sending those type of texts will bring him around. Sorry you found yourself in that mess. At least, you were smart enough to identify it and act. I have had it go on until they are gone for good.

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Default Jun 25, 2022 at 10:20 AM
  #5
Last night I wrote him a letter and this morning we talked about it some more. He said everything always changes with me. He's right. One time I may be fine and another time I could freak on him, I just don't remember it that way. He remembers it vividly and is just waiting for me to be ready to go back to the way we once were. He doesn't believe I am ready yet and doesn't want to hurt me so he wants me to discuss it with my therapist first.

All I know for sure right now is that I am very, very tired and I just want to sleep and not wake up.

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