Not coping

So, it turns out Karma is real and I really do deserve every beating, every lie, every insult, every bully, every sexual assault I ever endured. I don't know what I've done but that doesn't mean anything. Hell, I can have a car accident and not know it so it's no surprise I go around doing horrible things to people and not know it, too. I am despised. People block me online or turn me away with no explanation. I send text messages that are never answered, so I have to be guilty of something. I'm constantly being ghosted like people just want me to go away. You have to be a really horrible person to have this much bad stuff happen to you and I am a really horrible person. I've deluded myself for 60 years thinking all I ever wanted was to be a good person, and all this time I thought I was, but I was wrong. Not that it matters. People hate me and want me gone. I'm nothing but a burden. I can't carry my own weight. I have nothing to do. I want a life but I'm too sick. The meds just simply aren't working fast enough, and I just can't take it anymore. I am so tired I just want to sleep forever. I want all of this to go away but it won't, and I can't do this anymore.

Maybe you choose the wrong people to reach out to.

These statements sound like feelings and please know that feelings are not facts. If you are trying new medication you have to wait a couple of weeks until it builds up and you start feeling better or at least some improvement.

You never deserved to be abused, don’t buy into that mindset.

Hey, hi...how're you doing?

Better, thank you. That was one of my bad days. The worst I'd had in a long time.

In talking with my therapist yesterday I told her about Monday, the day I posted this. She was greatly concerned and asked all the right questions - I've been through this many times so I know the drill - and knows me well enough to know that I know when to squawk. She was satisfied that I'm okay for now, which I am, and she shares my frustration that my nurse practitioner isn't moving faster on upping my meds because it's obvious they're working, just not quite good enough. It's like I'm having breakthrough episodes resulting in extremes of good days or bad days at times. Idk it's hard to explain.