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Default Aug 09, 2022 at 09:09 PM
  #1
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Default Aug 10, 2022 at 10:43 AM
  #2
For what it’s worth I don’t think you’ve failed as a daughter. It sounds like you’ve had a very difficult set of circumstances and you’ve coped as well as you could with that. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

It really is a deeply personal decision whether you try reaching out again (if you do maybe try via your sister?) but no one can make that for you.
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Default Aug 10, 2022 at 08:08 PM
  #3
What a terrible situation!

I have no words.
I don’t understand why your dad has this attitude knowing that you need to see him. I’m also considering his pain and suffer, of course, but you are his daughter.
Does your sister know something about his decision? Is it possible that he doesn’t want to be recalled like that, at his worst?
I’m sorry what’s happening to him and I do understand your frustrations and your sadness.

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Default Aug 11, 2022 at 01:21 PM
  #4
Well I think the main thing is, is I don't know how to cope with the anger I feel or the pain.

As far as reconnecting goes, it's not going to happen unfortunately.
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Default Aug 12, 2022 at 01:50 AM
  #5
I’m sorry you’re going through this very difficult time. I think the anger and sadness is a normal reaction. As for how to cope with this, I think acknowledging the emotions and allowing yourself to feel them is important. You feel them for a reason.

I found this article- it’s not totally applicable to your situation but maybe there’s something in there that will help:

Why we need to talk about anger in grief │Anger after death

If you have someone you can talk to about this, I find walking while talking extremely therapeutic, it’s something to do with the motion and the eyes forward. It helps if this person is able to just simply listen. If you don’t have anyone then please come here, there’s always someone to listen and we do care.

Allowing yourself to feel what you feel will maybe feel scary, but these emotions, they are not bad, they won’t hurt you. You will eventually move through this phase but it will take time, don’t rush yourself.

Self care generally is important, the article mentions exercise, I personally find moderate exercise makes a big difference to my mood. You don’t have to run a marathon but brisk walking and swimming (my favourite calming activity) can help ground and keep general health well.

How are you doing today?
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Default Aug 12, 2022 at 04:05 PM
  #6
@Discombobulated hit the nail in the head.

One important part in the practise of Mindfulness is accept and let yourself having these feelings. Knowing that it’s normal and understandable you feel it that way.
It’s all about not fighting or feeling bad for them because this is when they may grow.

It takes time to get over a loss.
Mindfulness helps you to cope with this feelings and the thoughts that produce the former.

There’s a part of Mindfulness called Mindfulness of compassion and if I’m not wrong, there are in the net audios about the people who developed.
I got to forgive people’s behaviours from my past who unluckily weren’t present anymore.

I think I wrote a thread about Mindfulness. I’m gonna look it up. Just in case, you might be interested.
Mindfulness is a technique introduced now in many therapies.

About Mindfulness

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Default Aug 12, 2022 at 04:28 PM
  #7
Here, there are some guided audios about the other technique developed out of Mindfulness. That is Mindful Self-compassion.

Guided Meditations and Exercises

There are also lots of podcasts out there that explain how to practise both and also free guided exercises.

I particular prefer Mindfulness, Self-compassion exercises often involve visualisations. I’m more comfortable with observing my mind and focusing on my breathing.

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Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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Default Aug 13, 2022 at 02:29 PM
  #8
Thank you two very much. I'm feeling a lot better today I appreciate all the help
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Default Aug 16, 2022 at 03:33 AM
  #9
One thing I’ve learned about feelings of sadness and anger are just that , feelings that you don’t have to act on.
And if you do act on them you can do so in an
appropriate manner. We always guilt trip ourselves into constantly thinking
that things should have or could have been different. The fact is that life is what
it is and we have to deal with it the way it’s dealt to us.
You’ve done your best , let it go at that.

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Default Aug 21, 2022 at 12:38 AM
  #10
Hi Noct,

I'm just now seeing this post although we've talked in chat about the situation. I wish I knew some way of processing anger that cut through the "process", but it's my experience is that anger is a surface emotion, that's usually masking a combination of much more complex feelings. And the only way out is through. And that just takes time to process. I've also found there is no "getting over" anger...it's more like that time and uncovering those underneath emotions morph the anger into more accurate feelings or to the point where we can accept whatever it is that has happened. And by accept I don't mean we are okay with it but that we tolerate that it is/was the way it is/was.

I understand what you're going through to some extent. Just some background so you don't feel alone: my father did some horrible, abusive things to me, and part of that was him deciding he didn't want to speak with me. I went for a while believing I had been wrong, until I saw all the abuse and how the "cold shoulder" behavior was another control/abuse tactic, and I decided that the "no contact" would be on my side as well. At a certain point he wanted to reach back out, but it was clearly only to serve whatever needs he had at the time. Not getting into too many details, but he had esophageal cancer recently, and I think he's in the clear now. He let it slip to me, I believe purposefully, in an email he sent to myself and one of my brothers, about an inheritance about my uncle. I knew it was a ploy to reel me back in without taking responsibility for his past behavior, so I didn't respond to that.

My whole point being that I understand the anger and the complexity of what you're feeling right now.

You are not a bad daughter. You have not failed as a daughter. All relationships go two ways, including those of parent-child. If he has pushed you away, it's not your duty as a daughter to supplicate to him until he agrees to have a relationship with you. He made his choice, and I can see that it hurt you and continues to hurt you. If I had to chance a guess, it's this hurt that is underneath the anger. But only you know what all is underneath.

I can't say anything that will make it better. I just know what you're going through, and the only way I know to free yourself from these emotions is to accept that he made his choice about what he wanted, and you don't have to patronize him to get him to change his mind and deem you a "good" daughter.

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Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

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Default Sep 04, 2022 at 02:34 PM
  #11
I'm sorry you're going through all that. I wish your father comfort & strength. I wish you peace
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Default Sep 09, 2022 at 08:44 PM
  #12
Update: My father passed away August 25 in the afternoon. I did end up going to see him the weekend before and I was in the room when he went, along with my sister, her husband and his best friend. He was not alone when he went and I am glad I made it to him before he did.
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Default Sep 10, 2022 at 05:05 PM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by noctiluca View Post
Update: My father passed away August 25 in the afternoon. I did end up going to see him the weekend before and I was in the room when he went, along with my sister, her husband and his best friend. He was not alone when he went and I am glad I made it to him before he did.
noctiluca I'm so sorry. You're very lucky to have been there when he went. Not many people get that chance. I hope he showed you love Wishing you peace & strength
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Default Sep 15, 2022 at 11:06 AM
  #14
I’m sorry a lot for your loss.
It’s gonna be hard, I know it. All we can offer you now is our understanding and give you peace to stay alone all you need through these tough time.
It took me more or less six months to accept that my dad was not here any more. So, I encourage you to take your time to be sad because it’s what is gonna happen and embrace your feelings because while you don’t fight against them it’s easier to go though them. It seems a paradox but it’s real.

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