Did my friend used me as a therapist? feeling sad,angry and dissapointed.

I keep rumainting and feeling really sad and angry, frustrated and I'm thinking I'm expericng either gaslighting or other words crazy making not sure.
Finding it hard to process my emotions and understanding them..

I believe I maybe experiencing a friend that is narcissistic. I came to this thought because after I listen to Doctor Ramani I notice some red flags.

This message is long just giving you guys a head up. However I would appericate any insights, I'm not sure if I'm dealing with a narcissism friend or just a crap friend to be frank about it.
This has been bothering me like the past 3 weeks and I'm not sure what to do. Am I going crazy?

So this friend, I will use a made up name for them, for the sake of their privacy.
We will name them Kate age (32) Myself female as well age (31)

Okay so Kate and I knew each other way back at high school, though we fall apart because I moved school.

We reconnected through Facebook and messager, and our friendship started at a time when one of her parent's was slowly dying sadly.

The friendship seem at the time for me was genuine. We started a art class online for kids once a week and we take turns once a week to teach.
However after a while...I notice I was doing everything, for example posting socail media content from videos to reminder posts for my art class and Kate's as well. I was creating the event pages too.
After a while I assume Kate felt guilty and told me she will do her own event page for the art class. Though...after time...week by week it slowly went from posting it at the begining of the week to 3 days or 2 days before the art class. I would find myself reminding her which is frustrating on my end.

I know she has a full time job and it's full on, but she goes on dates with guys during her work week. So I see it as she has the time to make a event page. It doesn't take much effort.

Then one day Kate told me "You can teach the kids the fundamentals of drawing and I will teach them the dirty tricks"
Because I'm a people pleaser....I was like oh yep. But deep down I'm angry about this. It goes against my vaules, and every child should learn the fundamentals if they don't they run into trouble and have to re teach themselves as they get older. Happened to me.

Anyway, I was contacted by this community centre to do a art class for the kids in person..They asked me directly not through our art class. I thought to involved my friend Kate since I felt a bit scared to do it all by myself and I have socail anxiety.

My friend wanted to do it for free. However I wanted us to get paid, because it's the cost of driving,petrol and time put into a class.
The person who contacted me to do the class we will name them Rory, insisted to pay us $40. I told Kate this and she said ask them if it's $40 each? So I did and Rory replied in email "you can spilt that up between you and your friend".

My friend Kate was annoyed and told me I should've negotiate better.
I felt ashamed and it kept going through my mind over and over for days.
I told my partner and he said but Kate wanted it for Free first place,and somehow I forgot that and realised I was confused were Kate stand on that.

I pretty much orgainsed the whole event but I kept letting Kate make choices like what date to do it at instead me choosing. I would suggest something but then it be a no and we go with what she wants.

She did meet up with me 2 weeks before the event because I was anxious about the class and I asked if we could have a chat before the lesson the night before which she did. Which I did appericate. But there wasn't much emotional support over all.

Kate told me she will email me flyers to print for the class but didn't, I had to remind her.
I asked her to do the invoice payment because at least she can do one thing. Well...she forgot and I had to remind her.

Doing the live class in person went well.
Though I taught the kids and she stand on the side to help the kids here and there where as my partner helped out a lot more.



Besides the art class.
Kate had seem to become distance, she has gone to therapy and now she has suddenly stop talking to me about her work problems or family life which is fine. But she has stop talking in general all together.

At the time it was like we don't talk unless it was the art class.

I feel a bit sad by this and I do feel a bit used like I was her "therapist" at the time before she went to therapy.
Kinda drop me like a hot potatoe.

I use to listen to her about her problems from her dad passing away and me sending her flowers to her when that happened. To me watching the zoom funeral because at the time it was covid.

To listening about her sister's husband wanted to have divorce. About how bad work is.

I even went out my way to give her calming tea and put it in her letter box.
Because she told me she would wake up anxious going to work in the morning.

She did help me one time my work CV and I brought her these chocolate and put them in her letterbox to say thank you.
Other time she was worried she had covid so I gave her a covid test and put it in her letterbox.

Her problems plague my mind during the day.
At times I would try and figure out what to say to response to her problems.

Anyway what I have notice the pass 3 weeks.
At first She didnt reply to my messages. It started with couple days in-between.But I notice she was online.

If it's something important to say related to art class then she would reply.
She told me once how she forgets to reply to people. It's not personal.

I said "yeah I notice that, you seem to reply in the evenings." After I said that, she suddenly stopped replying to me in the evenings.

I eventually built the courage to message them saying this and they didn't bother to read my message after 7 days until the day we had art class which was online through ZOOM.
This was the message I said..
I said this quote "I was thinking because we might have new kids in the class, it would be good to keep on the fundamental drawing steps, because then we are consistent in our teaching of the fundamentals, help them to reinforce good habits and in the long run their art will improve. I recalled going back to the basic with my art teacher and I started to improve heaps again."

I sent her a music video on Monday because I thought it was interesting.
No reply.

I message her on Thursday
and said this "Hey Kate, how are you? I hope everything is okay.
Do you have time on Saturday to chill and chat? as well plans about in person art class?

no response. Even though it show she was online. She didn't replied to my message till the day of art class and said quote "

Kate did message me 10mins before class started. saying " morning! let's talk after class - I've got a packed weekend so I can't meet in person, sorry"

So I spoke to Kate before our art class started, I asked if everything is okay? she said "yes", and seemed happy.
I asked are you sure? and she said "yep."
"So we are okay? because I notice I message you but you didn't got back to me". She said "oh yes, I was telling myself to reply back to you."
I then asked "so if anything happened between us, you will tell me"? and she said "oh yes, you would know".

After the class we had a chat through zoom about art class, I asked how her week was and she said she been on dates with guys.
I thought to myself! I knew it! she is having a "grand old time" and me was worried about her and I have constantly try to remind her to do things!!! for the art class.
It kinda pisst me off. Of course I didn't reacted that way when she told me. I guess I said a passive aggressive comment and said "Oh so that's how it is".
They then mention how my birthday is on October and we should do something together.

Which is interesting because Dr. Ramani said how they make future plans.

Kate wantes to do another in person LIVE class. But her to teach it. At the time I agree to it but as I reflect back, I know I be doing everything again and I don't want to go through that again!

I suggested we should have less kids so we can help the kids more, but she said no. This bothered me as it feels she is treating it like some machine. Where as I'm thinking for the kids. Because last time we had 10 kids and my partner helped these two boys probably age 8-9 years and struggle to draw a cricle. My friend Kate was there but didn't notice it probably because she wasnt doing anything!!

So at the end of all of this I spoke to my therapist.
I told my therapist how my friend Kate and I have different vaules regarding art and how to teach it.
I said I rather pull out and do my own art class teaching the fundamentals.
My therapist encourage me and said I can do that. Where it felt before I couldn't due to my friend.
My therapist gave me guide lines how to commicate this to Kate. So I message her this

"Hi Kate.
How are you? I haven't heard from you for a while, so I hope everything is going well in your neck of your woods.
I've been thinking about Art Class
and what I want to focus on with teaching, I've noticed there seems to be a high demand for art classes for the fine arts like how to draw faces or the human body.
I got this feedback from Rory who works at the Highbury House and what the parents were telling her, what they were looking for. As well that one girl in the art class we did, how the mother asked if we do anything else. I also thought it was important since there is lost fundamental knowledge here ,as I've discussed this with my old art teacher Jim and David, my current mentor. So I feel strongly and passionate to help the kids with the fundamentals, as it can be hard to seek resources and teach yourself.
I would prefer to focus on teaching the fundamentals for a small group of kids so they can get the attention they need. I don't want to over-commit myself to too many classes and would like to step away from the free art amici classes, so I can focus solidly on the fundamental art class.
It will take a lot of time of research and finding what will be easy for the kids to digest from looking through adult fundamental books, as well as creating modules and doing it kinda like a course so they can take in the information about what they need to learn.
I do value our friendship and what we've done with art amici and I appreciate your help and your kindness you've shared with me, it means a lot.I would like to continue to spend time with you going forward. I know recently the time we've spent together has been around Art class and I don't want to lose you as a friend, or not see you anymore. Can we still orgainse to me up, for example once a month kinda thing."

Suddenly my friend responded and said this
"
after reading that I felt I was going crazy did I misinterpret everything?

I responded back saying " oh, I was trying to find the words to express and explain myself. ☺️
I didn't want to hurt your feelings or anything like that, that all.oh I just have had bad experiences in the past with friends when I've didn't want to do something or had a different veiw on things. that's why I wanted to let you know you are specail friend to me. 🤗


yes, I've been thinking about it ages. It trouble me alot about those two boys couldn't draw a circle and how there isn't any fundamental art classes for kids.
You okay to do it alone with the art class?
I don't know if your upset or bothered me pulling out?
I just want to make sure you are okay."

my friend said
"Nah I'm not upset. Like I said, this isn't forever for me, too. But I'd like to keep going for a bit, so I will."

along with a message how her date went bad because I asked.

From there on I haven't heard from Kate 6 days.
I went to look on our art class Facebook page and she deleted a post that she said she would be doing on the 27th of August.
She did this because I told her I couldn't do it because I'm doing a art course online which is true.
I say that because I wonder if she thought I lie to her I can't do the art class for 3 weeks and saw that me making a excuse?

Anyway, I kinda figure out she must've mute me on messager. Because she appears online right in message so she would see me sent her message, because it appears bold.
Plus you get a instant message that is a bubble that appears.

I just feel hurt, dissapointed, used as some therapist, and emotionally drained from it all. I'm also frustrated and annoyed to be treated this way as I don't think it was fair.

I don't know if it's narcissim or she experiences detachment issues.
I say this because Kate told me her longest realtionship she ever been is 5 months. And how she gets annoyed by these guys she go out with and complains about them to her friends and then breaks up with them.

I recalled her telling me at the begining how if she doesn't like someone she stops talking to them. So I assume she ghost people.

As well how when she was young like 10 years of age, how she thought she was better than everyone else. But realised being that way ended up her being alone.
And mention how her niece now thinks the same at a very young age. So maybe there is some thing going on in the family.

Either way I keep ruminating about it and feel I'm going mad. What she says and her actions doesn't match at all.

What's going on?

Sorry for the long message. I appericate you taking your time to read my message and your thoughts.
Thank you.

What did she say? I'm sorry, I couldn't find it in the post.

Well:

Actions speak louder than words.

Here's a good example:

(But not actually replying.)

(So, to her, apparently, there is nothing wrong with the current situation.)

Time spent trying to analyze her and her behavior is not time well spent.

My suggestion is to think more about ways to avoid contact with her. The less contact you have with her, the less you observe her, the better the chance (over time) of freeing yourself.

Thank you for reading my message I really appreciate it. Understandable it was a loooonnnggg message so thanks.

Regards to your question what did she say.
I forgot to put it in..
She said this
"Aw Babe.
This reads like you spent ages thinking about how to explain your decision - you don't need to!
Of course we're friends beyond art class, you goose.
Yes, if this is what you want to do, then do it
I'll take over art class and see how long i want to keep it going, cos it's not a forever thing for me, either.
And flip yes we must meet up once a month for a gossip etc"

I will add I did check our art class Facebook page, and I notice she deleted the post where she says she would be doing art class on 24th of August.
And none thing has happened to the Facebook art class page since then.

I didn't believe her when she said "I'll take over art class" because I did pretty much heavy loading of it all. So I don't know what she is telling herself.

Either way like you pointed out. Says one thing but does oppostie.

I don't have a lot of friends.
So this friendship cut really deep.
Last time I had a friend well toxic friend but didn't realised it..Because I thought it was always my fault in every situation happened.
Was back in 2017 they stop talking to me cut off contact completely.
And it feels like I'm reliving this again, accept my toxic ex friend stop talking to me because we had this huge fight. Which I look back seriously was silly..I try to say sorry to that friend but they ignored me.

Where as for this situation there isn't any obvious signs I've offended them or upset them.
So I'm so confused.
I think is it me? because I do t have friends and always struggle with that.
Or is it because the friends I attract to myself?

13 Red Flags of Potentially Toxic Friendships | Psychology Today United Kingdom

I’m not a big fan of using the word toxic but this article does give some good guidance about realising a friendship may not be healthy for our wellbeing. I think trusting your intuition/gut is probably the best advice.

How do you feel after you’ve spent time with her? Do you feel better or do you feel drained?

I wouldn’t fixate too much on why this woman says and does things, I’d focus on yourself and how you feel.

This is a fake friend, not a real friend. And not to sound harsh and I certainly don't judge you at all, but in all honesty, I think you gave too much of yourself to this Kate person because you are a people pleaser and are likely empathic. You went to great lengths to support her during her troubled times, and she likely did use you or lean on you as her substitute therapist when she needed you. Then she doesn't respond to you, but you kept doing things for her - like reminding her of her own responsibilities with the art class, agreeing to do things when you didn't want to and when it went against your own values and doing things for her.

This problem you have with this woman sounds to me more like a boundary issue on your end, which is something to be aware of and to work on - I have had poor boundaries myself and have gotten burned that way with friendships too, so I am not judging. I am pointing out to you that if you strengthen your boundaries, say no when something is against your values and say no when you want to say no, and don't bend over backwards to please other people including new friends, you will be better off. The fact that this woman's problems plague you or that issues with this woman plague you while she barely gives you any thought tells me you are likely an empath and yes, people pleasing.

People pleasers must learn and strengthen their boundaries - I have been one myself, so I know what this is like. You have to live life by your own values and beliefs, and not compromise your values or beliefs just to please someone or to maintain a friendship.

And like I wrote earlier, this friend is/was a fake friend. She cared more about going on her dates than she did about holding up her end of the art class responsibilities or responding back to you showing common courtesy.

I cannot say whether she is a narcissist - but empaths and narcissists are naturally drawn to each other and do this kind of a dance together. The narc gets their fill because the other person makes them the center of their world, and the empath ends up being completely drained and resentful from giving too much of themselves.

It's good you decided to do your art class the way you want to do it - that's standing strong in your own values. So, good for you for finally drawing the line and doing it the way you wish to.

As far as Kate goes, I would distance myself and I would not consider her to be a true friend.

UPDATE:

So Kate ask me to hang out on Saturday, we went to a caffee and talk for 2 hours.
She brought me a little cake from the caffee and smoothie which was nice of her.

As we spoke it was good, she told me about her family issues and how she is on anti depressents.
Kate told me how this guy she went out with for 2 months used her for sex.
And I was connecting the dots because she always told me she was going out with guy and that guy and I realised this guy was the guy she spoke to months ago and then reconnected.
It started to make all sense now.

I mention about our art class and told her how it got too much with the socail media and it was taking over my life and the art that was important to me. I said I felt sad and alone.
Instead of empathize she said to me cut and dry
"Well I told you work comes first for me"
I was a bit stunned what she said. I don't even recalled or remember her telling me this.
I told my sister and she knows me I can recall a converstation word by word. And if she did say that my sister knows I would've been upset and tell her. My partner agreed with me as well.

So I felt a bit confused and started questioning my self.

I told her how I felt like I was doing everything and she to me up front up "Yeah it's true you did everything" I said to her "So you knew" and she said "Yes it's not secert".

I was shocked and angry at her. I didn't show the emotions or spoke out. It seem my emotion delayed and it was only when I got home what she said was ruminating in my mind and I was wondering why I was bothered by it.

I question and wondered but why would you continue to let your friend to do everything? don't you feel guilty?

Thoughts?

It was nice of her to buy you something.

Still, the conversation sounds similar to what has always gone on with Kate. She shares with you her situation and issues and has no interest in, or empathy for, your situation or issues.

You would feel guilty.

But be careful not to project yourself onto her.

She evidently does not feel guilty.

After all, "I told you work comes first for me".

Yeah, I think that's why I'm confused.
I've meet people before where they buy you stuff but empathy wise there is none thing there.

I will add she did ask how I was.
Her empathy is... a bit not there.
I kinda told her my issues, though I wouldn't say it's supportive..

What do you mean by be careful not to project myself on to her?

You seem surprised that she lets her friend do all the work. This does not surprise me at all, given everything you have told us about her.

Perhaps you are surprised because you yourself would never act like that? Idk.

You said you were confused. What do you find confusing about her?

You posted identical post on a different thread in a different sub forum. You could ask to consolidate two threads.

Hi, I replied to your other thread, but wanted to say I think Bill has given good advice.

I think when he says about being careful not to project yourself onto her, it means you should be aware of the possibility she may not feel guilt as easily as you do?

In other words you’d feel guilty if you gave someone else all the work but she may not even think about it. Not everyone thinks in the same way.