accused of "stonewalling"

I've had a huge conflict with a colleague. I worked very closely with him for many years until we had this falling out about 2 months ago. It has been extremely hard on me and I've stopped working with him. I also don't have to go to the office so I work from home from now on. I do everything I have to do for my work--progress reports, manuscripts, etc. But I just can't stand seeing him anymore...

Recently my friend at work said my colleague complained that I've been "stonewalling" him. I feel really irritated. My colleague was a jerk. In response, I let him have everything he wanted. I handed over the project, let him work with whoever he wanted, hired whoever he wanted, etc. But the friendship has kind of crashed and burned. He never apologized and I never asked for an apology because I didn't really feel it would make me feel better.

I feel that by him saying I'm stonewalling him, he's basically turning the blame back on me. He created a huge situation at the office, destroyed our relationship, and it's like he resents me for not picking up the pieces for him. Am I not allowed to give him the cold shoulder? Do I have to explain to him that I hate him now? I actually feel talking with him can only make things worse, and that the best thing I can do for myself right now is keep my distance. I'm also 100% positive that if I explain my feelings, he'll just explain to me that I'm wrong and have no reason to feel that way. But again, his complaints that I'm doing "the silent treatment" really annoy me. I have nothing to say to him and see no way to recover the relationship.

Thoughts?

It’s difficult for sure, you have your reasons for keeping quiet which you’ve explained here, but he feels like you’re stonewalling him. I’m assuming that you’re still working together.

Would it be appropriate to write a short note, explaining why you have been quiet? Not apportioning blame but explaining how you feel?

I guess I'm just wondering if you've ever told him what he did or said to make you think he's a jerk. I ask this because it has happened to me many times that people have shunned me over something I said, but never told me what it was. Sometimes they did tell me months later, sometimes not at all. This has happened both at work and in my personal life. I think it's because I'm probably on the autism spectrum. People expect me to infer and understand things without being explicitly told. I find that happens often with women. In general, men need more direct communication.

I also think maybe putting it in writing would help. That way it will give you time to think and not have to worry about his reaction.

Thanks for your feedback. About him not knowing what he did...he knows. He absolutely knows. This wasn't a little thing he did. I posted about it in another thread, but anyway, he knows exactly why I'm angry. And I guess I'm irritated now because I know him. If he's using the word "stonewalling" then I know he's googling my "behavior" and making all kinds of assumptions about me. He probably read that when you're being stonewalled, the best thing to do is wait it out and not give in to what the stonewaller wants, which is control. Which means he has concluded that the right thing to do is stay quiet and not apologize and judge me for refusing to communicate. The not apologizing is fine, but the judging is infuriating. I hate his smugness and false superiority. He has always created toxic environments in his group and then acted like the absent-minded professor who means so well and doesn't understand why people can't get along.

Oh I see, it sounds like there’s been a history rather than just one incident? And you believe he’s fully aware of what’s going on and may be trying to gaslight you?

Would you be able to leave your present company, do you have options available?

It does feel like he would gaslight me. He's not purely malicious, but he just hates drama and confrontation and I feel that whatever I say, he'll try to reassure me that everything is fine rather than listen to my legitimate grievances and concerns. I don't want to have a pointless conversation with him that he'll just forget about because he's thick skinned but which will leave me wrecked for weeks.

I can't leave...yet...