Just Getting Over It

I hadn't been doing much socially over the past few years... then on a whim, I started getting involved with some gaming groups over the last few months. One day, while at another gamer's house, I saw a script for a play, and I asked him about it.... long story short I volunteered for a part in a community theater play. The play involved meeting together twice a week and first, then it culminated with meeting 3 times a week. While I was meeting with these people, I got involved with some of the typical mind-games and social antics of the group.

Now I'm coming down from the "high" of being with the group - and I'm finding it difficult to sleep - and I have intrusive thoughts relating to some of the mind-games and antics in which I re-hash conversations and situations. I noticed that some people seem to thrive on these (what appear to me to be) high stress situations. I long for a life with very little stress.

One of the hardest things to deal with is the gas-lighting. There were several times it happened - not just to me - but to other people as well.

I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised - I've heard several people involved with the entertainment industry talk about the games they play on each other.

Some other thoughts - I'm also dealing with the fact that I brought at least some of these problems on myself.... and I think about the times when I embarrassed myself. And there are times when I trusted people, and then was disappointed when it turned out they didn't think that much of me, after all. There were also times when it appeared that certain people tried to make amends, or to soothe over hard feelings, then I perpetuated the games myself, and made things worse again.

The most embarrassing thing I did was when I was so stressed that I experienced tunnel vision - I almost walked into a couple of people.

Dear @shakespeare47, Are you continuing your theater participation? Can you continue somewhere else? It must be really hard experiencing all of these insights, absorbing all of the game playing & disappointment. At the same time, underneath it all is probably a lot of insecurity (for maybe everyone) & wanting to be accepted & to belong. If you could find a different group where you could enjoy being involved in theater, having fun & feeling like family, that could be wonderful. Do you think that's possible?

The good news is that the play is over, and I never need act again. I think I'll try taking a break for at least 6 months, then I might try again with a different group.

Also - note to self - beware of how much caffeine you're drinking.

Also - note to self - remember the comments about autism. Do you really want to go through that again?

On the other hand - the after-party was pretty decent. I said I would probably take a break for a while because it was pretty stressful - and she admitted it was stressful for her too. She could have said something mean and nasty - but she didn't

Yesterday I rewarded myself by buying a nice new watch - one that I have wanted for a while.

I work for myself - and the stress (from everything I mentioned above) and time it took to learn my lines disrupted my business for a while. But I am now starting to get back into my regular work routine.

And I'm sleeping a little better - it might be a little while before I sleep soundly through the night.

Saying goodbye is such an emotional experience. But you're finding your way back to what feels like you?

Last night was the first good night's sleep I've gotten since the play ended.

Well - Some of them had some impressive creative skills, and there were some laughs, but mostly I was happy to get away from them. It was just too much drama - and the director was verbally abusive.

Another good night of sleep - I think I'm back to my regular sleep schedule at last!

Note to self - also remember the antics of the photographer - what in the world was that all about? She must have been a good friend of the director? She exhibited some odd behaviors.