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Wise Elder
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Location: Eastern, USA
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Nov 30, 2022 at 08:01 AM
#41
Her denying that she said anything to her family is more gaslighting. Gaslighting is an abuse tactic used to confuse you, invalidate you and to make you question your perception and reality.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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 shakespeare47
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: US
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Dec 14, 2022 at 08:07 AM
#42
Some thoughts - I do tend to share more about my inner thoughts and feelings than most people around me. For years I've wanted her to deal differently with those things I share - it isn't happening. I guess I'll have to learn to keep my thoughts to myself. The less I tell her about what's going on inside - what I'm thinking about - things that bother me - the better. I have had some successes over the last few years - as far as my own peace of mind goes - by focusing on goals.
It's a hard lesson to learn. My wife does some pretty crappy things. I'm trying to take a more light-hearted view of what's going on, and what I can do to change. Perhaps in 2 years I can look at divorce again - in the meantime I'll continue to work on what I can - specifically my own finances and mental well-being. __________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
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Dec 14, 2022 at 08:36 AM
#43
I'm working on ways to distract myself. Lately I've been binge-watching Only Murders in the Building, gaming, and reading. I'm also working how to respond when she is obviously trying to push my buttons. - it really doesn't seem to make much sense to confront her - she just denies and/or claims she can't remember.
I would like to continue to find ways to make her uncomfortable when she is obviously playing mind games on me. __________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Grand Magnate
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Dec 14, 2022 at 08:44 AM
#44
I think she may be a little afraid of divorce. She brought it up before I ever did... something like "now don't divorce me if we win this lottery"
__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley Last edited by shakespeare47; Dec 14, 2022 at 11:29 AM.. |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,277
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Dec 19, 2022 at 04:48 AM
#45
Quote:
I was scared myself - but I'll tell you something - the more time that goes on, the easier it is becoming for me to be alone. I am now getting used to it and it's actually quite nice! I enjoy my own company and have been enjoying the peace and solitude without my husband ruining every day for me. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Rastana
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Grand Magnate
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Dec 19, 2022 at 11:33 AM
#46
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__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Wise Elder
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Location: Eastern, USA
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Dec 19, 2022 at 11:49 AM
#47
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__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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 shakespeare47
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shakespeare47
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Grand Magnate
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Dec 19, 2022 at 12:58 PM
#48
Right now I'm just trying to act like a good roommate. Confronting her doesn't work. I just want to live in peace as much as I can. Talking with her or doing things with her aren't much fun right now.
__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Grand Magnate
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Dec 20, 2022 at 11:05 AM
#49
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__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Grand Magnate
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Dec 20, 2022 at 11:13 AM
#50
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__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Wise Elder
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Dec 20, 2022 at 11:29 AM
#51
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__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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shakespeare47
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Grand Magnate
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Dec 05, 2023 at 07:05 AM
#52
We've made a little progress. But it's still frustrating in that she says hurtful and/or controversial things and then refuses to talk about it, or suggests she didn't even say what I heard her say.
__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley Last edited by shakespeare47; Dec 05, 2023 at 07:56 AM.. |
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Grand Magnate
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Jan 25, 2024 at 01:10 PM
#53
And a little progress in that we're talking about boundaries and consequences. It's a 2-way street - I know I've done things that "crossed the line" from her point of view so she's telling me what her boundaries are and what the consequences will be if I violate them.
__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Grand Magnate
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May 07, 2024 at 05:46 AM
#54
It still seems to be getting better - except that she is definitely lying to me - I've been upset that her family and friends harass me about things that only she could have told them. I confronted her about it, and she basically tells me I'm imagining things (although when pressed she backs down and says I'm probably not imaging things) and that she is trying hard not to tell them anything that might be used against me. But it keeps happening. After even many conversations, it appears pretty obvious that she is telling people things that I'd rather they not know - and those people she told harass me. She lately is claiming she has ADHD and without actually admitting it - suggests that maybe that's why it keeps happening - and that I can't expect it to change.
__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Grand Magnate
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Jun 09, 2024 at 06:45 AM
#55
I'm reminded of a story I hear on NPR about a woman who kept having checks that we sent to her disappear. Her live-in boyfriend helped her by giving her support and helped her try to figure out what was going on. She finally caught him in the act - and then he told her that he had a mental health condition and that he was getting help... She tried for a while to make it work - they even started planning a wedding - but eventually they broke up.
__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Grand Magnate
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Oct 06, 2024 at 07:40 PM
#56
Reasons to divorce - the continual gas-lighting "I'm not doing anything - you're imagining it" and all the while her family is bringing up things in a derogatory and confrontational manner - things that only my wife could have told them. When I bring up specific examples - she finds a way to avoid responsibility, basically saying to me "you can't prove anything". And continues to tell me that she doesn't give them any specifics. There is just something generally insincere about her behavior at times. The way she reacts derogatory and mocking way to my son and I. Esp. eating deserts at restaurants.
Reasons to stay together. We do have / have had some good times together. Sometimes I hope we'll find some kind of resolution and things will get better. Both our financial situations would get worse if we divorced. __________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley Last edited by shakespeare47; Oct 06, 2024 at 08:22 PM.. |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
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Oct 06, 2024 at 07:49 PM
#57
It's rather strange in that I must have mentioned this site in the past... because she mentioned it in a way that suggests she is apprehensive about what I might be posting about.
__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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Oct 07, 2024 at 05:10 AM
#58
Gaslighting by itself is a reason to divorce. It's abuse, as I've mentioned before. Things will not improve - abusers do not change. Take her as she is today and accept it, or realize that you're being abused and get out. It's that simple. Don't get stuck in hoping for change and in falsely thinking it will all magically improve. You will waste precious years of your life, hoping for something that will never happen. Like I said, either accept her for who she is today, or cut loose and divorce and find greater happiness. The choice is yours. To me, life is far too precious to waste. I would rather be free of abuse, happy, and alone than be struggling in a relationship day after day. Good times you can have with anyone.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Grand Magnate
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Oct 08, 2024 at 06:05 AM
#59
Divorce is definitely an option. But I'm afraid I will have to wait until next year or the year after.
She has also mentioned divorce as an option in the past. __________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: US
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Oct 10, 2024 at 07:26 PM
#60
More examples of mind games / gas lighting. Some of this would take a lot of explaining - but... we used to play a lot of board games. and I made a lot of meals which we shared. Lately, she's been saying that she wants to play a board game, then.... doesn't. She even suggests that I set up the game. The way she says makes the suggestion makes it sound like she is ready and eager to play - then she just lays down and does nothing. When I ask her about it later, she makes lazy, half-hearted excuses. The same with meals. She tells me she liked X dish that I made in the past. I make it - tell her I made it -I tell her it's ready - No response. I tell her it's in the fridge - and she ignores me- and doesn't eat it.
__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.
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