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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#41
Her denying that she said anything to her family is more gaslighting. Gaslighting is an abuse tactic used to confuse you, invalidate you and to make you question your perception and reality.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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![]() shakespeare47
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: US
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#42
Some thoughts - I do tend to share more about my inner thoughts and feelings than most people around me. For years I've wanted her to deal differently with those things I share - it isn't happening. I guess I'll have to learn to keep my thoughts to myself. The less I tell her about what's going on inside - what I'm thinking about - things that bother me - the better. I have had some successes over the last few years - as far as my own peace of mind goes - by focusing on goals.
It's a hard lesson to learn. My wife does some pretty crappy things. I'm trying to take a more light-hearted view of what's going on, and what I can do to change. Perhaps in 2 years I can look at divorce again - in the meantime I'll continue to work on what I can - specifically my own finances and mental well-being. __________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: US
Posts: 3,136
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#43
I'm working on ways to distract myself. Lately I've been binge-watching Only Murders in the Building, gaming, and reading. I'm also working how to respond when she is obviously trying to push my buttons. - it really doesn't seem to make much sense to confront her - she just denies and/or claims she can't remember.
I would like to continue to find ways to make her uncomfortable when she is obviously playing mind games on me. __________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: US
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#44
I think she may be a little afraid of divorce. She brought it up before I ever did... something like "now don't divorce me if we win this lottery"
__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley Last edited by shakespeare47; Dec 14, 2022 at 11:29 AM.. |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,194
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#45
Quote:
I was scared myself - but I'll tell you something - the more time that goes on, the easier it is becoming for me to be alone. I am now getting used to it and it's actually quite nice! I enjoy my own company and have been enjoying the peace and solitude without my husband ruining every day for me. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: US
Posts: 3,136
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#46
Quote:
__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,194
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#47
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: US
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#48
Right now I'm just trying to act like a good roommate. Confronting her doesn't work. I just want to live in peace as much as I can. Talking with her or doing things with her aren't much fun right now.
__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: US
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#49
Quote:
__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: US
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#50
__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,194
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6 3,670 hugs
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#51
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Grand Magnate
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Location: US
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#52
We've made a little progress. But it's still frustrating in that she says hurtful and/or controversial things and then refuses to talk about it, or suggests she didn't even say what I heard her say.
__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley Last edited by shakespeare47; Dec 05, 2023 at 07:56 AM.. |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: US
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#53
And a little progress in that we're talking about boundaries and consequences. It's a 2-way street - I know I've done things that "crossed the line" from her point of view so she's telling me what her boundaries are and what the consequences will be if I violate them.
__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: US
Posts: 3,136
10 437 hugs
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#54
It still seems to be getting better - except that she is definitely lying to me - I've been upset that her family and friends harass me about things that only she could have told them. I confronted her about it, and she basically tells me I'm imagining things (although when pressed she backs down and says I'm probably not imaging things) and that she is trying hard not to tell them anything that might be used against me. But it keeps happening. After even many conversations, it appears pretty obvious that she is telling people things that I'd rather they not know - and those people she told harass me. She lately is claiming she has ADHD and without actually admitting it - suggests that maybe that's why it keeps happening - and that I can't expect it to change.
__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: US
Posts: 3,136
10 437 hugs
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#55
I'm reminded of a story I hear on NPR about a woman who kept having checks that we sent to her disappear. Her live-in boyfriend helped her by giving her support and helped her try to figure out what was going on. She finally caught him in the act - and then he told her that he had a mental health condition and that he was getting help... She tried for a while to make it work - they even started planning a wedding - but eventually they broke up.
__________________ My business is to teach my aspirations to conform themselves to fact, not to try and make facts harmonise with my aspirations. T.H. Huxley |
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