Fighting with my Wife

Yes, I have a lot of support - friends, family, abuse forums and I have an abuse advocate too from a local domestic violence center.

We've made a little progress. But it's still frustrating in that she says hurtful and/or controversial things and then refuses to talk about it, or suggests she didn't even say what I heard her say.

And a little progress in that we're talking about boundaries and consequences. It's a 2-way street - I know I've done things that "crossed the line" from her point of view so she's telling me what her boundaries are and what the consequences will be if I violate them.

It still seems to be getting better - except that she is definitely lying to me - I've been upset that her family and friends harass me about things that only she could have told them. I confronted her about it, and she basically tells me I'm imagining things (although when pressed she backs down and says I'm probably not imaging things) and that she is trying hard not to tell them anything that might be used against me. But it keeps happening. After even many conversations, it appears pretty obvious that she is telling people things that I'd rather they not know - and those people she told harass me. She lately is claiming she has ADHD and without actually admitting it - suggests that maybe that's why it keeps happening - and that I can't expect it to change.

I'm reminded of a story I hear on NPR about a woman who kept having checks that we sent to her disappear. Her live-in boyfriend helped her by giving her support and helped her try to figure out what was going on. She finally caught him in the act - and then he told her that he had a mental health condition and that he was getting help... She tried for a while to make it work - they even started planning a wedding - but eventually they broke up.

Reasons to divorce - the continual gas-lighting "I'm not doing anything - you're imagining it" and all the while her family is bringing up things in a derogatory and confrontational manner - things that only my wife could have told them. When I bring up specific examples - she finds a way to avoid responsibility, basically saying to me "you can't prove anything". And continues to tell me that she doesn't give them any specifics. There is just something generally insincere about her behavior at times. The way she reacts derogatory and mocking way to my son and I. Esp. eating deserts at restaurants.

Reasons to stay together. We do have / have had some good times together. Sometimes I hope we'll find some kind of resolution and things will get better. Both our financial situations would get worse if we divorced.

It's rather strange in that I must have mentioned this site in the past... because she mentioned it in a way that suggests she is apprehensive about what I might be posting about.

Gaslighting by itself is a reason to divorce. It's abuse, as I've mentioned before. Things will not improve - abusers do not change. Take her as she is today and accept it, or realize that you're being abused and get out. It's that simple. Don't get stuck in hoping for change and in falsely thinking it will all magically improve. You will waste precious years of your life, hoping for something that will never happen. Like I said, either accept her for who she is today, or cut loose and divorce and find greater happiness. The choice is yours. To me, life is far too precious to waste. I would rather be free of abuse, happy, and alone than be struggling in a relationship day after day. Good times you can have with anyone.

Divorce is definitely an option. But I'm afraid I will have to wait until next year or the year after.

She has also mentioned divorce as an option in the past.

More examples of mind games / gas lighting. Some of this would take a lot of explaining - but... we used to play a lot of board games. and I made a lot of meals which we shared. Lately, she's been saying that she wants to play a board game, then.... doesn't. She even suggests that I set up the game. The way she says makes the suggestion makes it sound like she is ready and eager to play - then she just lays down and does nothing. When I ask her about it later, she makes lazy, half-hearted excuses. The same with meals. She tells me she liked X dish that I made in the past. I make it - tell her I made it -I tell her it's ready - No response. I tell her it's in the fridge - and she ignores me- and doesn't eat it.

She definitely keeps telling her family things - things that they use against me - and then she claims she doesn't remember doing it, and that it isn't deliberate. The way it keeps happening, and her affect, tell me that she either is doing it on purpose and then denying it, or that she just doesn't care. It's to the point now that I'm just trying to find ways to protect myself.

It's pointless for me to complain to her about it anymore.

It's frustrating in that I tend to be the type of person who tells her things - things that I assume she will keep to herself. It's difficult in that I want to stop telling her things that could be used against me, but it's such a natural thing for me to just share my thoughts with her as if I could trust her.

I am getting pretty tired of the nastiness. There are still some things I haven't posted.

I'm reminded of what a counselor has told me about how to deal with people who intentionally hurt you. He said, "You'll have to find ways to make it painful for them to continue doing it."

That's more gaslighting behavior. And she cannot be trusted with your personal information. I would stop telling her things and I would start behaving like you can't trust her.

I am really curious to hear what that counselor's thoughts were on making it painful for your partner to keep doing it - that sounds like retaliation of some sort - or stooping to a level of returning the pain. Not sure if that's the best approach - with abusers, it only makes the abuse and harmful behavior worse - upon you, the victim.

I suspect it probably has to do with setting boundaries.

I was feeling irritated with her last night and realized that while I responded to her emails and texts, she didn't respond to some of mine. And she has confronted me in the past about not answering her emails and texts. and I have confronted her as well. It looks very much like she has this double-standard "You must answer all my texts, phone calls, emails, etc.. But I may not answer yours. And I will ignore or deny your attempts to point this out this double standard."

She has been in the habit of leaving sweet treats/candy on the counter - and then hours later or the next day loudly asking where they went and making a point of angrily/testily asking if I ate them. And also off-handedly mentioning that there is something sweet leftover. She knows I've been very careful with my diet and that I have lost 40 pounds over the last 2 years. It looks very much like deliberate sabotage on her part. It's even been the case that she loudly complains if I throw it away instead of eating it - often confronting me in front of our son. It's very much the case that I can't win. I throw it away - she mocks me/ confronts me. I eat it... .she loudly confronts me and me embarrasses me. I have pointed this out... and she has ignored me.

Several times even lately, she has said something like "well, I have ADHD, I just say and do things without thinking" and/or "well sometimes I just do and say things because I think it's funny". The message is pretty clear - "don't expect me to stop"

@shakespeare47 I have dealt with similar type treatment from my wife. I'm sorry you are going through this. It is really hard because of how tangled everything becomes in marriage. Finances, friends, family relations, and children all are added things that weigh on a decision on if it makes sense to separate.

It sounds like you do have a therapist that you are working with.
Please bring those direct, hurtful comments she makes that are used as attacks on you to the therapist. They may be able to give you the best way to handle the situation since they know your story more deeply than we do.

I started to confront my wife when she would make the cutting remarks.
I've been sort of her stress punching bag and she says things to me she would never consider ok to say to anyone else.
She says things to me she reprimands our kid for saying to other family members or his friends, but I am supposed to take it and just how she 'lets out stress.'

I finally said to myself that if she is going to be critical of me anyway, I'm not going to worry about her reaction in confrontation.
I don't know that you can confront her in the heat of the moment as you process the comment, but going back after you have reflected on how a comment was received and made you feel, you can simply tell her, "You were pretty cruel when you said .... The implcation of your words was ..., which is pretty hurtful and mean."
In my wife's case when she was making her cutting remarks that carried really hurtful meaning but didn't outright say something. Once confronted with the meaning that she sent across she started trying to make excuses for what was said but direct confrontation did tone down her remarks a lot.

Good luck.

Thanks for this. I'm not currently seeing a counselor - I did in the past. I would like to start seeing one again. It would probably help.

I find it frustrating in that I'd like to live a quieter simpler life. But I keep getting myself entangled in frustrating situations. I'd like to find quiet gentle friends. And have a quiet gentle marriage. To act and think slowly and considerately.

And it's frustrating in that if I tell my wife this, I'm worried that she will do everything in her power to sabotage me.

My ex abusive husband used to do something similar. From early on in our relationship and prior to getting married, he knew that maintaining my weight and following a healthy diet were very important to me. Within the first 6 months, I gained 10 pounds because he only eats junk, and well, I ate with him frequently so we would eat the same foods together. It didn't matter how many times I told him I was watching my weight or dieting in an attempt to lose the extra weight, he would always encourage me to eat junk food. I swear, he wanted me fatter so that men would no longer stare at me. He made comments early on about men frequently staring at me and checking me out whenever we were out in public together. He completely ignored what was important to me, and continued to encourage me to eat fattening foods. It didn't matter what I said, and I gained 20 pounds total in 5 years with him. What I ate was my responsibility, yes, but my ex certainly did not respect my needs.

My point? Your wife is sabotaging your desires to remain healthy and thinner. She is not showing respect for what you value: your weight, your health, your self image, confidence, and your mental health.

The abuse is apparent in each story you share. How are your self esteem, self image, self worth, and mental health? The longer you allow this to go on, the worse you are going to feel. Long-term abuse effects are real.

You are enduring an awful lot of toxicity and mistreatment in this marriage.

After 33 years of marriage, leaving for me was the only way to stop the fighting. He was so financially irresponsible I couldn't be quiet about it. Yea, he hated what I had to say (but later on I found out from him that he hated that I was right). Ah well, he got his peace to live financially however he wanted & I got my peace to take my family inharitance & leave & live responsibly. In the end, he lost everything from the 33 year martiage on his own, not through divorce. I walked away & left him everything because I needed peace. Sometimes fighting is based on valid issues. Something to truly analyze. I have never been happier or more peaceful since leaving him & moving as far away as possible. There are usually reasons for fights that are worth looking into.....but sometimes the only relief is leaving. I am thankful I did