Fighting with my Wife

It's difficult to explain - but needless to say, it's stressful. It's tough to fight fair and stand up for myself sometimes.... and I worry I go too far at times.

In a marriage, people should never be disrespectful, even when arguing. One must always consider the other person's perspective, to listen and to truly hear and validate your spouse's position or perspective. It is unfair & dirty fighting to sling insults, to yell, to demean or disrespect one's spouse in any argument. I hope you can treat your wife fairly when you argue. If it's difficult, maybe a counselor can help.

I hope someone will say something like this to my wife. It's been hard to bear up under the disrespect... the times she doesn't consider my perspective, the times she is unfair and uses dirty fighting to sling insults, etc.

I'd like for her to talk to a counselor about it.... but she likes to pretend it's completely my fault. I've even considered divorce.

Slinging insults is verbal abuse. Blame shifting is emotional/psychological abuse.

Is your wife abusive in other ways, when you're not fighting?

I am divorcing my abusive husband. We tried couples counseling, and he went to individual therapy for the last year, and it barely helped. He is still abusive, and now I am leaving him because of it. Abusers RARELY change, if ever, and therapy doesn't help. All they do is manipulate and charm the therapist - an abusive person, that is.

What makes you think you go too far at times Shakespeare?

What strategies are you trying at the moment in response to your wife?

I'm not comfortable sharing any specifics, but I'm willing to listen to suggestions.

I might be replicating some of what you’re already doing but if it were me I would probably try using “I” statements, for example:

“When you said…. It made me feel” sort of thing.

Sometimes in arguments people can become focused on being right and lose sight of how they are impacting on the other person.

I have often found my instinct is to verbally fight back, by accusing the other person, which has always made matters worse. I try now not to do this, but if I am upset to get space by saying “I’m feeling really confused/upset (whatever)” and then discussing later when things have cooled down.

No idea if any of that is relevant for you but wish you well.

I'm just not sure how long I can stay married to someone who would say derisively "go talk to a counselor about your issues" ... then refuse to talk about it later - and also refuse to acknowledge she even made the comment.

Yes I can understand that’s difficult, it’s framing it as your issues not an issue you share.

Dismissing, or really not even acknowledging, the fact that she made that comment is gaslighting, which is yet another abuse tactic.

Your wife sounds abusive, to me. Maybe it is time to reconsider the marriage and to think about leaving it. Abusers do not change, I have learned first hand. Therapy doesn't even help and can make it worse.

I think divorce is a healthy, reasonable response to being emotionally abused by your wife. Your wife - with the above example - sounds like a deflector; someone who gaslights others when they set boundaries with her, that requires her to respect their feelings.

My sister is this exact same way. It's her way or the highway. She's never wrong. Everyone else is wrong. This gaslighting behavior stems from deep codependency and insecurity. Our parents were either emotionally neglectful (didn't validate our feelings when we had them as kids to help us understand our own feelings), or emotionally abusive (tell us to 'shut up' or 'go away' without any explanation or consideration of our feelings as little kids).

There is nothing shameful or wrong about getting divorced from a person who abuses you. It's actually an act of self-preservation to divorce your abuser. People do it every day. If your gut is leading you towards divorce, then start the process. Legally separate. Don't allow your wife to emotionally manipulate you to back down just to suit her needs.

If you have children together, I guess it depends on what outcome you want (full custody, partial custody). Get a lawyer first who can help you navigate the process of restructuring your family system with your wife, that you no longer want to be married to. If it's an unhealthy relationship and has no chance of changing (b/c she refuses to acknowledge her own flaws and lacks a willingness to work on her own communication issues), then you have no choice but to get divorced. You have one life. Don't stay tethered to a woman who makes you miserable every day b/c she is miserable. That is not a good way to live.

I support divorce. Esp. your situation without knowing the details. Now, I would never stay tethered to someone who abused me (and I used to).

My perspective is that we are conditioned to view divorce as a personal failure (as with the phrase 'failed marriage' which is loaded with shame and negativity) rather than as the practical and compassionate option that it often is. It's not an easy decision to make. For many of us, however, it can be transformative.

Agreed. And I can tell you from my own experience with an abuser -- I am separated from him and he has moved out. I am finally experiencing true happiness and a great sense of relief, freedom and inner peace since leaving my abuser. I am no longer under his thumb, I am no longer catering to HIS needs all the time, and I no longer am being gaslighted and blamed for everything. It feels GREAT.

So, if anything is holding you back and making you question leaving the abuse, know that you will be far happier once you actually leave and experience an abuse-free life. Just sayin'.

I dealt with it for the last 5 years and lost myself. I am now regaining a strong sense of self, direction and purpose. My health, my mental health and my sanity are far more important than being in a relationship just to have someone and avoid loneliness. Not saying that's what you're doing yourself - but many people stay out of fear of being alone/single or due to finances.

As Bridget Fonda says in the movie, Singles, "there is dignity in being single".

100% facts, Have Hope. I too am recently divorced after 8 years of an emotional abuse roller coaster. It hurt, it was hard, but damn does it feel good to be away from it. It was hard to see that I was getting abused when I was getting blamed for everything. there was a time I thought it was me, it was not me, at all. But it was MY choice to get out before it kept getting worse, nothing was going to improve when he(to this day) believes he had no idea what he was doing. Yeah Right...
Now it's just me I have to work on. No more working on a disaster of a relationship. No more sleepless nights worrying about when the next blowout will be, nothing. Just me time. I hope you find peace. If anything, there is a sense of inner strength and peace you may feel once you make the decision to be on your own. It's very freeing.

I think that maybe this is someone you shouldn't stay together with, because it doesn't really sound like she truly has your best interests at heart, or cares very much about the marriage either.
But you can try talking with her about (whatever the problems are) first.
If I'm hearing you correctly then it sounds more as if she's the one who does not know how to fight fair.
I'm not sure if you're doing any similar things when fighting back, or not, but at the very least she probably needs counseling for *her* issues equally as much.
Maybe she should go to therapy or maybe you both should.
And I know that the following probably seems sort of obvious but have you tried a marriage counselor?

They make it seem like it is you when it is not you at all.
Have recently made all reasonable attempt to let a former friend know that she can still contact me if she wants to or needs to, but that if she ever wants more than just a *little* bit of contact then she will need to work on *her own* communication problems and possibly other problems.
She nearly always tries to somehow make it seen like there *are no* problems of hers or the behavior problems/communication problems/whatever kind of problems have nothing to do with her. (She is not actually responsible for any of it herself, apparently. It just happens out of nowhere or someone else is to blame.)
Sigh. 🙄

Yes, I do already feel a sense of freedom & I can feel some amount of inner peace because he no longer lives with me, but he is still in the process of moving out, and we have to have contact which means he is also still abusing me.

Right now, he's being all nice to me because he probably wants something from me, but like you said, I don't know when the next blowout will come and it's making me very much on edge. Last Sunday, he chose to pick a fight with me and insult me through the process. I am sick of it. I just want it to end already.

OP, very sorry for hijacking your thread. But i's cathartic to let this all out.

No worries! Let it all out. I'm glad to be of service.

I should really keep it to my own thread... but thank you!

And then there was the time she angrily brought up my Facebook postings - and said I must remember that I was posting for the 2 of us. But she refuses to say what it was that she found offensive - or even why she brought up my Facebook postings in the first place.

Why would you be posting for the 2 of you? Doesn't she have her own Facebook account? What you post is YOURS and you can post anything you want, independent of her. That is very controlling of her, by the way.

She even brought it up later in kind of a snotty way - asking me if my posts had changed.

I set up a Facebook account for her a few years ago - but somehow she lost her login info and now she can't get it back. I recently set up another account for her and emailed her the login details.

CONTROL. Abuse is all about power and control over another. ALWAYS and without exception.

She brought Facebook up again recently, and I had the presence of mind to suggest if she has a problem with something something I posted - that I'd be happy to talk about the specific post in question.

Quite often when I bring up issues like the Facebook issue or the "go talk to your counselor" issue - she tells me she can't remember - and she tells me I read more into things than I should - even going so far as to say she had no malicious intent - I just think she did.

I'm working on bringing up issues sooner.