Waking up at 2 am with anxiety

I have had OCD I was thinking about how I had obsession with someone nine years ago so now I don't trust my feelings towards anyone and that makes me sad. I decided that I should be ashamed that I'm obsessive I did my shadow healing meditation then woke up at 2 am with thoughts of people I care about. I also have this irrational fear of missing out on having children despite my young age of 26 and my fear of not being able to find love because will my OCD could potentially destroy that. I know it's a confusing condition and the problem with it is how much doubt and insecurity this condition causes because I know I have the capability of obsessing I therefore don't trust how I feel or what I think about myself which is the saddest part of this illness. You are robbed of self worth and your own trust in yourself. I really try to forgive my past but in the end. I remember my struggles how long I've been without work that I'm afraid of working and being independent I don't see away that I can do those things it's so deathly scary and I don't understand it. I know my fears are irrational and don't make sense the sad part is my brain has been hijacked with an overactive basal ganglia which means little control over emotions and obsessive thoughts. I sometimes pray that I am not obsessed with anyone and to be healed from obsessive thoughts if I am. I know they are just thoughts but lovely anxiety doesnt care if I'm sleepy it just makes me feel shame over these parts of me that I hate the obsessive and desperate part of me.

You bear such heavy burdens. It is heartbreaking. Wish I knew what to say that would help you feel better.