[black-roses]

I rarely talk about my intrusive thoughts because they make me feel a sense of frustration and shame. The truth is most people get these kind of thoughts but for them, they can go on with their day and sleep.
I stopped doing some of my compulsions so I'm feeling the thoughts even more now. Last night sleep was hard I could only sleep after doing a shadow work meditation. I hate these kind of thoughts because in the past it's made me do things out of character. I still feel like it's stupid that I would care or worry about such things so much. Worst of all is fearing my own feelings and the lack of trust and integrity I feel within myself. The truth there's nothing wrong with wanting kids etc. There's also nothing wrong with being single. Or say even if it was something that happened forever I do know it's what you think deep down that matters the most. However I can't stop myself from ruminating. My mum said she was much the same my age but she married and had kids. It didn't mean it was a happy marriage. So I guess in a way I made my own hell in both realities. The name of this irrational emotion or ruminating is ocd.

[Yaowen]

I suffer from OCD myself so I can definitely identify with you. The content of my ruminations changes from year to year. Ruminating about being single forever was a prominent theme of my thoughts but this phase of my illness gave way to other compulsive thoughts these days. My heart goes out to you.