Don’t you hate it when…

…you wake feeling nostalgic so you do some Googling…and you find…

1) the best friend you had in HS that said they no longer wanted to talk to you when you happened to run into them in your psych 101 lecture is now a professor in residence and heading up her own research lab at a prominent university in the very field you work in at the entry level…

And

2) you find the obituary from 2019 of the HS teacher that became a true friend (numerous road-trips to see your favorite band; a trip overseas) and solely responsible for getting you into therapy in the first place - including visiting you while in the psych ward, and even driving you there herself on a diff occasion…



— lemonSys

I feel that way a lot of the time. It is definitely not a happy feeling.

Since I am not in your shoes, I am totally unqualified to speak to what you describe. It would be like trespassing on the uniqueness of your situation.

So what follows is just an account of my experience, and not any kind of advice.

In my own case, which may be totally unrelated to yours, my "don't you hate it when" experiences stem from my anxiety and depression.

From reading a lot, I've learned that humans have a kind of default tendency towards dissatisfaction. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Because of this sense of dissatisfaction, humans have created many amazing the wonderful things: electric lights, indoor heating, air conditioning and plumbing, cures for small pox and other horrible diseases and millions of other things.

I doubt humans would have done these things if they felt satisfied with things as they are. It is our desire to improve things in our lives and in the lives of others that have made these wonderful inventions possible.

But there can be a downside to this. This attitude which drives us . . . some call it the "could be better but isn't better" attitude. Some call it perfectionism . . . it can sometimes mess us up. We can sometimes get "stuck" in it.

I look at myself and think "could be better but isn't." I look at others, things and events and think: "could be better but isn't better." I look at my past, present and possible future and think . . ."could be better, could have been better, probably won't get better."

Getting "stuck" in this attitude tends to produce a certain definite set of feelings and moods: dissatisfaction, frustration, aggravation, unhappiness, lack of peace, joyless striving and sometimes even hopelessness."

But there is another completely different way of viewing things, a way that happier people tend to view things: "could be worse, but isn't worse, thank goodness."

I could be on fire but am not. I could be stranded in the Sahara desert without water, but I am not stranded. I could have a form of cancer for which pain medications do not relieve my suffering.
I could be living in a cardboard box. I could have the Ebola virus. I could live in a poor country without clean water or doctors, without adequate nutritious food. I could go to bed every night with hunger in my stomach and wake up the same.

No matter what you look at in life it is possible to say: "could be better, but isn't." or "could be worse" but isn't. The first way of looking at things produces unhappiness. The second produces feelings of being lucky, feelings of appreciation and gratitude, feelings of peace and joy of living..

Since I suffer from depression, I get stuck in the "could be better" frame of mind. So I have little post-its all over my house on which I have written: "could be worse, but isn't worse, thank goodness.! These allow me to transcend the unhappy attitude cause by the illness of depression.

This is the only way I can make it. I could be worse than I am or worse off, but I'm not. I could be sicker than I am, but I'm not. I could be less brave than I am, less wise, less good, but I'm not less. I could have less, but I don't have less. My past could have been worse than it was, but it wasn't worse. My present could be worse, but isn't. Whatever happens in my future, I know in advance that even if bad things happen, worse things could happen but probably won't.

Thing and events in the world, people in the world, people in my life . . . they could be worse, but they are not worse.

I learned this from a famous psychiatrist named Aaron T. Beck and it has saved me many times when I was going down, down, down into the pit.

Sadly I know from experience that what helps one person can be totally useless to someone else. So I cannot give advice. I can only share what helps me personally.

I still have "don't you hate it when" experiences. So I can definitely identify.

But often I can put them in perspective and save myself a lot of grief. Of course I am on medication for anxiety and depression so maybe these are the key elements and not what I think. So hard to know.

Certainly people I see or have seen in my life have achieved greater material success than I have. But I also know people who are living in their cars or in cardboard boxes under the freeway bridge by my house.

I think if we want to be fair to ourselves and to fairness itself we need to compare ourselves not only to those who appear to be doing better, but also to those who appear to be doing worse.

Just comparing to one group doesn't seem fair and balanced to me. Perhaps I am wrong. I am often wrong about things.

@Yaowen —

I greatly appreciate the time and thought you put into this message - TY.

Quote:

Just comparing to one group doesn't seem fair and balanced to me.

You raise a valid point here that honestly never crossed my mind. Makes sense. Thank you.

— lemonSys

I’m sorry for your loss Lemon, it really is a sad feeling to find out someone you thought well of has gone.

I don't really look up people from back then, but I could imagine it's a hard feeling. I'm sorry for your loss. Try not to compare yourself to that old "friend" of yours. You're doing great.