Struggling with Compassion

One of my New Year’s resolutions is to show compassion towards others, and it’s proving to be a difficult task. I think part of it is that I deal with people on a regular basis and I frequently see them at their worst— they’re sick or in pain, or they’re caring for a family member who is sick or in pain. I try to recognize that. I also recognize that the average layperson has no idea how things work in my line of work, which is retail pharmacy. They only know they need their meds. I try to recognize that too. But for ****’s sake, people can be so stupid, rude, ignorant, and inconsiderate. And unfortunately, I work in a setting where I’m typically seen as a peon, not a person (retail, in other words). I’m just very burnt out and tired from everything. It’s not just work either— people being stupid, rude, ignorant, or inconsiderate in my personal life bothers me too. All i know is that when I make a conscientious effort to be considerate to someone, I expect the same in return. On Meetup I was scheduled to go snowshoeing on Saturday the 28th and I was really excited about it; I wake up and find the organizer moved the event to Sunday the 29th. I work Sundays, so I had to change my RSVP. I asked her why she did that— she says she got availability for a Meetup event with Habitat for Humanity that Saturday so that’s why she moved the snowshoeing event. While i recognize what a great organization Habitat for Humanity is, that just angered the **** out of me because of how she had completely disregarded how it would affect my availability and probably other people’s too. I don’t know. I’m just really struggling with this. I realize that it’s probably not great for me to be constantly wanting to tear my hair out by people. But for crying out loud, I hate people.

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I’m sorry, unfortunately any kind of service related work tends to put a person in a position of dealing with rude and badly behaved individuals like you describe. I think there should be a sign informing people that most problems originate from insurance companies that drag their feet about covering costs to the point where it affects others both behind the counter and as a patient that is often not feeling well and can be impatient.

Hmmm. I don’t want to be negative and tell you that you shouldn’t be compassionate but I do think it’s maybe more appropriate to set up good solid boundaries in the case you’re describing in your job.

Yes people may be stressed and they may not understand why they can’t have their meds right now - you’re showing compassion right there when you describe that but if people are going to be aggressive or rude in their manner you need to self protect first of all imo. I work in retail too, not as stressful as yours, but customers do rant at me sometimes- I try to let it slide off me, diffusing the situation if I can - but callous as this may sound I’m not going to take on board their emotions. I have a tendency to take on board other’s emotions so this has been a work in progress for me.

In short I think self compassion is a thing to consider above all else. I really feel for you on this btw and I bet among all those customers there will be some like me who really appreciate the work you do.

I think that your reaction to this malpractice by the organizer was completely understandable and appropriate. If you wanted to remain calm and nonjudgmental in the face of this malpractice, I think that the trait needed is not compassion but forbearance = patient self-control, restraint, and tolerance. To have compassion is to have concern, to care about the suffering of others. The organizer does not sound like she was suffering.

With retail customers, they may well be suffering, and that suffering may express itself in rudeness to you. I'm sorry for that. On the other hand, they may not be suffering, they may just be rude. In that case, forbearance may again be needed.

What if you know for a fact that someone is actually suffering? How much compassion can you feel for that person?

plus i would report her butt to meetup.

What if you know for a fact that someone is actually suffering? How much compassion can you feel for that person?

That’s a tough one, Bill— we had a situation this week where an older lady who said her eyes felt like they were burning came into the pharmacy asking for her eye drops. I looked her up and there were no scripts ready for her. I asked what the doctor was supposed to have sent over and she said she didn’t know — she had just been to the doctor that morning. She then gave me a piece of paper on which the doctor she had seen had written the brand name of some eye drops and layperson’s jargon on how she was supposed to take them. Unfortunately, that did not count as a bonafide Rx because it did not have any info about the doctor (name, address, identifiers, etc.), a specified quantity or number of refills, the doctor’s signature, etc. I explained this to her and she became very agitated— the pharmacist then intervened, and both of us asked if the doctor had given her any other pieces of paper— maybe one of them was the hardcopy prescription. She said she didn’t know and had gotten lots of papers and they were back at her home. My pharmacist then asked who the doctor was so she could call them, and she didn’t know that either. I get that she was in pain, and yes, I felt badly for her. I also get that she didn’t understand how the process works. But i also felt a bit irritated because this woman was not being conducive either. Did she have a prescription? She didn’t know. Who was her doctor? She didn’t know. Where had she been seen? She didn’t know. For ****’s sake, own your health.

That’s a tough scenario, it sounds like you all did everything you could given the circumstances.

Yes it’s irritating and upsetting (you’re trained to help people and it must be so frustrating when circumstances don’t allow for you to do that) but I can say from my job/life experience that there’s a good portion of the general public who just about get by, it’s quite sad really but it’s how it is. It sounds like you did all you could to problem solve but when the puzzle is incomplete it’s not easy. It’s probably not her fault (she may be losing cognitive abilities or they may never have been that high) and she’s probably struggling in more than one area of her life.

Maybe accepting others have challenges beyond our knowledge might be part of the compassion journey for you?

I like what Bill said about forebearance too.

It sounds like you had compassion for that unfortunate woman. At the same time, you sound frustrated, and perhaps angry, with her.

It is okay to have more than one feeling or reaction at a time. Here, both make sense: the compassion and the frustration/anger.

Yes, I have to concur with what you say, unfortunately. I like Bill’s idea of forbearance too.

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