[nuhlinga]

My elderly father, who needs a lot of support, lives with my brother and his girlfriend, who moved in about a year ago just a couple months after they started dating.

His girlfriend is a really good person and wonderful with my father, and I'm grateful that she is taking care of him so well.

However, I'm also very jealous of the relationship that they've developed, and it's obvious that this is the case. I'm polite with her, but my displeasure shows in my body language and facial expressions.

She's also a fairly assertive person, which I tend to dislike (I realize this is another 'me' problem), and this is what mostly irks me, I think -- somebody directing me about my father's care. Also, in the beginning, she seemed downright competitive and possessive about my father. It felt quite offputting and a bit weird.

She has backed off quite a bit when my sister and I visit, saying she'll give us some 'space' (which I also find annoying for some reason), but the whole situation is still getting on my nerves, and I'm ashamed that I'm jealous of this lovely woman and being so petty. And that what is a great situation, really, is getting on my nerves.

Help!

[TheGal]

Oh nuhlinga - I think it's pretty normal to be having these feelings.

On one hand, it's good she's taking care of your dad, but on the other it's like you're getting pushed out.

Can you invite your father somewhere on neutral territory just to connect with him one on one? Maybe you need to have a bigger role in his life? Or for the time you do spend with him, ensure that it is quality time?

[nuhlinga]

I appreciate your reply. Actually, just having somebody understand how I could be feeling helps me to feel better about the whole situation.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

I would not call the feeling irrational. Based on your description, iit is rooted in reality.

[Open Eyes]

This woman may seem nice but this is YOUR father and you should not feel you are intruding when you visit him.

[nuhlinga]

A few months after writing this post, I feel much better. Paradoxically, by admitting to myself that I just don't like this woman (and she very probably doesn't like me either), instead of tying myself in knots trying to logic my way out of negative feelings.

She has the very character traits that just happen to grate on me (bossiness, competitiveness). And elder care is a tricky situation for a family generally in any case.

However, I realize I can not like her while also being grateful for the care she's shown for my father and grateful that my brother has a great partner.

It's mutual civility that counts in this situation, I think.