[Gyonna]

I'm aggressive to a baby with words. I don't want to speak like this to him, but it is an anger issue. I never speak like this to anyone.. baby is just 11 months old. My mother did this to me all her life, swearing and getting angry, I don't want this for my kid. How I can stop? I try to be more thoughtful, but it didn't work. Please help with some advise. I always could work stuff alone, but this is crazy hard for me. I'm just like my mother.

[CANDC]

@Gyonna welcome to MSF. I am sorry you are having challenges managing your responses to the baby and the demands it makes on you.

I am not an expert on how to handle anger. I resort to leaving the room for a half mitnute to calm myself or connect with my breath.

Here is an article in Psychology Today that has some ideas what to do How to Handle Your Anger at Your Child | Psychology Today

This line in the article really stuck out for me "The most important thing to remember about anger is NOT to act while you're angry."

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

[Nammu]

The thing is if your mum did that with you this is a learned behavior and it takes time to un-learn behavior. I’d suggest working with a therapist to May small changes that lead to stopping this behavior. Maybe a T who deals with anger management?

[divine1966]

I recommend to work with a therapist. Sadly you were abused by your mother but I am sure you s don’t want your child to be abused. You can get better

[Gyonna]

It is imposible for me to go to therapy right now. This bad words are coming from me very fast and random, im even suprise how this can coming out from me. I would like to try something without therapy. What therapy can do? Normally im very peaceful person, I take care of my baby and I would say 95% im doing a good job, but this 5 % of anger is in me. Im scared of word abused. My mother was swearng and screaming in more awful way, but still I don't feel abused. I didnt like it, yes, but abused seem too big word for this.

[Gyonna]

@CANDC thank you for the article. There is all about my behaviour and I'm hope I'm able alone to resolved my issues. Even the article scared me really with a consequences of my behaviour on a baby. It is really awful what I'm doing. I think about my issues a lot, about my childhood, specially after having a baby and there is not much good memories, I didnt feel that way before the baby.

[divine1966]

Even though you don’t feel abused, you still were. It’s abuse. I understand it’s a scary word. I agree. But sometimes scary words might stop us from doing bad things. If you don’t label it what it is, you might not feel urgency to stop.

Therapist can suggest something like whatever might work in your circumstances. But if you can’t have it now try few things. Count till ten. Put a child in a play pen where they are safe and step out. Have a babysitter once a week or how often you need a break.

[CANDC]

@Gyonna post partum depression is common after having a baby. Hope you get the support that will help you. Even a doctor can prescribe meds to help you stay calmer.

CANDC

[divine1966]

I agree with candc about meds. If you cannot see a therapist, see your doctor and see if they’d suggest something

[ArmorPlate108]

It is very good that you see the problem. If you see it, you can work on it.

But please do find something for your child's sake. Break the generational pattern you are experiencing.

I grew up in an unhealthy home. Particularly when my daughter was little, parenting was very cognitive for me. For some people, parenting is easier because they naturally mimic healthy behaviors that were used on them. If you don't have healthy behaviors to draw from, then you may need to literally tell yourself to stop feeling and start thinking.

As long as the baby is in a safe place, walk away if you need to. You may be surprised at how quickly your anger dissipates if you seperate yourself. Then you can go back and see him with new eyes.

When DD was about 2, I was struggling with horrible anxiety and exhaustion, and she was just all defiant toddler. I know what my mother would have done, and didn't want to do that. When things would get too much, as long as she was in a safe situation, I'd just go outside alone for a few minutes. (Bathrooms are great hiding places too) It would generally only be 2-3 minutes before I felt calm and ready to go back and see her.

Eventually, my go-to move with DD was to hug her and tell her I loved her whenever she hit my last nerve. That was very soothing for both of us. A lot of times when little kids act out, it's because they're exploring and learning their world, or because they don't have the ability to understand and express what they're feeling. Maybe understanding that limitation would help you be more gentle with him?

You won't break the pattern overnight. It's something that the more you practice handling it in a healthy way, the more it becomes a second nature response.

[Discombobulated]

You’ve had some really good responses here and nothing I can add really except check in here as often as you need to. You can break this pattern, you can do it. I think in a way when you are seemingly angry with your baby it might be more you’re angry at yourself, what do you think?

[unaluna]

Armorplate, what good advice, to stop and hug! Thats replacing a bad habit with a good one.

I have the same thing, i can be sooo short-tempered with children. I get that it is how THEY were raised, too, but still it is scary to have those feelings.

I would also recommend taking breaks when possible. Nap when they do, or call in a babysitter for a short bit. When i was "helping" my parents babysit the nephew when his other grandparents passed, angelic as he was (and he truly was!), i couldnt WAIT to fly out the door!