PTSD and my emotions

Trigger warning of mention of suicidal ideation in my past and people I've known who have. I am ok currently. I am fine because I have learned to live in survival mode for the past 40 years but I do have PTSD scars and have to be careful of how much I can tolerate each day.
Especially it can be difficult when a role model or hero - people I look up to takes their life and still dealing with my sister's drug overdose death from one year ago.

I am 60 years old and with life's challenges, paradoxes and traumas, life definitely is not easier than say 40 years ago in 1983. I have always been a person of low self-esteem. I was overprotected by my mother growing up and never exposed to deal with fear, disappointment and other stressors. When I graduated high school and told I had to leave home and go away to school (by my father) I dealt with suicidal ideation for the first time. Currently I am in ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics/ Dysfunctional families) and that is helping me. It is also helping me understand my codependency and why I remain codependent and can't get out of, stuck into a marriage of convenience since 1988.
I am a person who also deals with gender dysphoria (diagnosed and in therapy for). But am also married and it is an incredibly slippery slope and threatened regularly about it. As such, of course have to keep in the closet.

I have coped with myself over the years with multiple addictions, sex addiction and workaholism. That reminds me I need to get back to my music lesson practice. Thanks for reading! -Alec

Thanks for sharing this. I'm 74 now and gender dysphoria is something I struggled with my entire life. (I'm also married and it's don't ask / don't tell around here.) At this stage of my life, it doesn't much matter anymore. But 60 was the age at which it really hit me hard for a period of time. And I've read, on transgender forum websites, that this is not an unusual experience. Anyway, thanks for sharing your situation. Hope your music lessons are helpful!

Hi, Alec. I don't know that I have much wisdom to share, but your post caught my attention. I turned 60 in late December, and am also diagnosed with PTSD. I also got married in 1988, although my husband and I lived together for six years prior. My husband and I have not lived together for many years; we remain friends, but yes...I'd have to say (sadly) that I am also in a marriage of (financial) convenience at this point.

A lot happens in 60 years, doesn't it?

Thank you for sharing! I've got issues with long distance marriage and codependency too. Sorry for the late response -I am a returnee here and need to figure out how to get alerted to when I get a response.

Hi Skeezkys! I remember you and your condition, it's probably been about ten years ago- back when I was on here more often. I totally get you, I suppose, "Happy wife, happy life" mean something to you?! Both and I very codependent and currently in a long-distance marriage (she lives in Oklahoma most of the year, me in Oregon) but with today's technology (video communication and Zoom) it is like we are together every day.