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Default Feb 12, 2023 at 12:25 AM
  #1
I haven't felt beautiful for ages especially after that thing that happened when I was 17. Also in some groups guys use my picture to make fun of me and say I look trans and have a masculine face. So I don't feel very attractive to men at all. I feel like there are just much better looking women and there's no chance a guy would like me let alone think I'm attractive. I just don't feel very positive in myself. So everything feels a bit distorted I wish I could see myself in a much more positive light but I hold onto so many mistakes and feelings, and it's just hard. Also the other day my auntie said something about me needing to lose weight that im attractive but id be more attractive or I'll just look like a divorced woman that's given up. So I am just finding it hard atm

Last edited by black-roses; Feb 12, 2023 at 12:39 AM..
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Default Feb 12, 2023 at 08:48 AM
  #2
Auntie’s say the darndest things, “a divorced woman that’s given up” oh my. Do you have a therapist? I hope you find someone trustworthy to help you address your emotions. It sounds like the event that happened when you were 17 was trauma. Your family is unsupportive and is holding you down.

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Default Feb 12, 2023 at 08:57 AM
  #3
Sorry your auntie was so unhelpful, really what she said was far more revealing about her than you.

I agree with Tisha, it sounds like something significant might have affected your self belief.

People should not be using your photo without your permission in this way - if this is online then I hope you’re able to report this.
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Default Feb 12, 2023 at 10:47 AM
  #4
you ARE beautiful, despite what you been told
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Default Feb 13, 2023 at 08:40 AM
  #5
It's the comments I get when I'm on my exercise bike and my dad just comes in and goes put more effort lose those love handles and I don't know how that could be seen as encouraging like it just makes me feel bad. Honestly how I feel I wouldnt wish it on anyone coz I'm damn near my teether were I just won't to do something dangerous to myself and I don't want to think like that, when they people around me are awful. Like I don't even know why my dad comes over he just makes me feel bad it just sucks and I genuinely hate my family.
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Default Feb 13, 2023 at 09:28 AM
  #6
It looks like they are not supporting you to individuate by becoming an adult and moving out to live separately in your own adult life. What are your goals regarding living with your family now that you are a grown adult?

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Default Feb 14, 2023 at 02:39 AM
  #7
I'm just going to work and study
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Default Feb 14, 2023 at 02:41 AM
  #8
Also in Portuguese families it's normal for a person to live with their parents until there married. My sister didn't move out until she got pregnant and had a partner
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Default Feb 14, 2023 at 08:08 AM
  #9
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Originally Posted by black-roses View Post
Also in Portuguese families it's normal for a person to live with their parents until there married. My sister didn't move out until she got pregnant and had a partner
Maybe you don’t want to have a partner or get married. I was also made to feel that I could not be an independent adult on my own as a single woman. I thought I was marrying the perfect choice of a person. Then he soon became a bad choice because I was miserable with him. But my mother still treated me like I was nothing without the husband, and kept telling me to stay in it. It made her feel good about herself because her daughter was married to this seemingly great man. I was groomed into doing what society and my mother wanted, pushed into it, kept in it once I was miserable. In my American society that way of thinking wasn’t even the way of all the people, not now, and not even then, decades ago. It was just my circle of influence and my controlling mother.

Now, I felt at the time that she was right, getting married was a good choice, and I happily did it. I was optimistic that I was going to be happy. It might have been great. But it wasn’t. It should have been alright to get divorced. But I got stuck in indecision because of all these mixed messages and influencers.

It comes down to, we need to figure out who we are, make our own choices listening to our hearts, and then be strong enough to advocate for ourselves to get out of bad situations and care for ourselves. No one else will really care for us sometimes, they have different agendas and we serve a purpose for them in that choice and our happiness is not necessarily important to them.

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Default Feb 14, 2023 at 11:02 AM
  #10
I read this today:

“Don’t let others define you: You decide the title for the story of your life”

This made me think of this thread.
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Default Feb 14, 2023 at 11:41 AM
  #11
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Default Feb 14, 2023 at 07:38 PM
  #12
I mean in saying that I don't get fat shaming comments from my mum so I don't feel there's an issue. With her there's just no confidence that I can be independent and she very much feels responsible to take care of me and really fears for me. Maybe she feels responsible for my condition because of how I grow up so some of it is guilt. Also financially how would I even live on my own I barely afford it at mum's house and we have two incomes. Sometimes we just can't move out because of finances now if I had a job... Still where would I even go... I think the waiting list for a government house is 7 years
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Default Feb 15, 2023 at 10:29 AM
  #13
black roses is a beautiful wonderful person
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Default Feb 15, 2023 at 10:49 AM
  #14
Quote:
Originally Posted by black-roses View Post
I mean in saying that I don't get fat shaming comments from my mum so I don't feel there's an issue. With herand she very much feels responsible to take care of me and really fears for me. Maybe she feels responsible for my condition because of how I grow up so some of it there's just no confidence that I can be independent is guilt. Also financially how would I even live on my own I barely afford it at mum's house and we have two incomes. Sometimes we just can't move out because of finances now if I had a job... Still where would I even go... I think the waiting list for a government house is 7 years
“there's just no confidence that I can be independent”
^I received these messages too from my parent and it is not true in the least, I am fully capable. What happened was I limited and sabotaged myself to keep myself dependent on others.

“Some of it is guilt”
^these feelings and realizations are something to consider from your perspective and hers.

“ financially how would I even live on my own”
^This is also something to look at thoroughly. You don’t have to be completely on your own. You could have a friend, a roommate.

“ now if I had a job... ”
^I don’t know what the condition you have is that you mentioned. Does it keep you from being able to work? You write very well and seem highly intelligent. There must be some job, and I would think possibly, some good well-paying job you could aspire to.

“Where would I even go?”
^I also don’t know your situation and the need for government housing. I would think there is a way to work toward gainful employment and financial independence.

Is there a social worker or therapist you can discuss realistically these options and make goals for yourself?

What’s the plan? Is it to remain living with your parents forever? This may be a reality due to a legitimate reason about your health. It’s something to consider if these reasons are legitimate or you got caught in a way of thinking that is keeping you stuck.

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Default Feb 16, 2023 at 01:29 AM
  #15
I'm on the waitlist for counselling I was going to go today but she cancelled because she was sick. So I will see her on the 1st of March. I really wanted to talk about my fears around my independence and why my family is so scared about me working. I have A.D.D so my attention span can keep me liable to mistakes. I'm now doing a cert 3 in health services assistance, which got me a very bad reaction from my sister her saying that it was a selfish course on my part because I could kill a patient and do I want to be a killer. It was an extreme reaction which my dad and her partner thought a bit extreme. My mother didn't think it was a good choice either because again attention span issues. So I really had to lie to my sister about doing the course and said Im doing community services. Then mum talked about my scrubs uniform at her house and I was like oh no now she's gonna know my secret my sister didn't say anything. I'm on centrelink and have been on it since 17 partly because of living in a low income house my mother had to take care of me because I was very depressed and would do stupid stuff. Then I got the diagnosis of BPD and A.DD which started my treatment on dexamphetamine, that medication didn't improve anything and it was only with help of a support worker at high school I was able to graduate.
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Default Feb 16, 2023 at 07:55 AM
  #16
I hope the counselor appointment comes through for you. Your sister has the opposite attitude of supportive about your ADD. There may be jealousy issues there from her toward you. To scare you like that is awful, like she is trying to sabotage you, keep you down, feeling small. I’m sorry she said that to you.

I’ve also always thought I had ADHD. I suspect some of my FOO have it. Two of my kids have been diagnosed with it. They both are functioning in college and in a career very responsibly and doing well. When I experienced exasperating stress in my marriage, borderline traits emerged in coping with it. I never had that before my mid 30’s! From the research I have done on all of this, it is possible these unhealthy coping ways were related to ADHD and I do not necessarily have any personality disorder. Just food for thought… The key is stopping the unhealthy behavior.

The meds can contribute to weight gain sometimes, too. Just something to consider. Also, the weight is a symptom of you not being happy in your situation, and changing that, the pounds can melt right off.

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Default Feb 17, 2023 at 04:40 AM
  #17
The way I see things is that beauty is much more than just physical appearance. You say that no guy could ever like you, which I don't think is true especially if who you are as a person is beautiful. I know for me looks mean nothing. If I could ever find a woman in my life and they looked good it would simply be a nice bonus, because I personally want someone that is a good person and someone I'd just want to spend my life with because of who they are. Of course you're going to have the shallow minded guys that just want a pretty face and nice body, but if a guy is mostly seeing you for how you look then I feel they would be liking you for the wrong reason anyway.

I understand where you're coming from though. I've been single all my life, and I've never felt good about myself. I don't think I'm attractive physically, and it makes me feel hopeless when it comes to finding someone. Just remember though, and it's something I try telling myself too, there are people that care more about the person than the way they look. Being beautiful to me is all about who someone is as a person, so you just have to find someone that sees you for the person you are.
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Default Feb 17, 2023 at 07:30 AM
  #18
And I’ll add, feeling good about yourself in who you are, feeling like you are being true to yourself and accomplishing your goals also makes you feel beautiful on the inside.

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Default Feb 17, 2023 at 11:35 PM
  #19
To be honest I sort of thought she was jealous as well because she wanted to be a nurse and then she got pregnant and then after her pregnancy, the hormones messed up her bipolar so she tried to drive her car into a tree luckily but still unfortunate for the cops she hit into there car. From what I know you can't work if you have a criminal history in saying that she still didn't kill anyone it was minor injuries thank god. I just feel like maybe she just resents her life and maybe unconsciously I'm the perfect scapegoat.
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Default Feb 17, 2023 at 11:37 PM
  #20
Also in regards to the pounds there already falling off I already lost a dress size which works very well for me since now I can finally fit in some of my old clothes. Instead of just keep buying more big clothes and then have a lot of unused clothes just sitting there to donate or something.
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