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Default Apr 02, 2023 at 08:30 PM
  #1
Greetings,

I decided to join this forum to seek input from others who may have a sense of how I feel. I will simply thank you in advance for reading and whatever advice you can offer.

In my introduction, I explained I am an animal lover so here goes.....

Several years ago, my beloved dog was attacked by another dog in my neighborhood when we were on a walk. She sustained a serious bite and had to get stitches. This happened on an easement next to the other dog owner's house. I took him to court for the cost of the veterinarian bill and lost because my dog was not on a leash (leash law - even though she was literally a foot away from me). But that is the law so I have to accept it. Fine.

What I was not fine with then or to this day is the other dog's owner. He was very smug in court and never offered an apology, showed concern or anything. Basically, he did not care. On the day it happened, I yelled at him and told him to get his dog. I had no idea how bad my dog's injury was until the next day when I saw the her punctured skin under her fur. I remain livid to this day over his lack of concern for my baby.

When COVID hit in early 2020, I vowed to myself to get in shape to avenge my dog's attack. I have since lost 70 pounds, run almost every day and lift weights. When I run by the other dog owner's home, I spit in his yard and mouth a few unpleasantries for him to see and hear. I admit, probably not the most mature way of handling things. If he is ever outside and he sees me coming, he always ducks inside. Most people would probably think "move on" but I just do not have that in me. My dog was my baby and she was hurt and I feel the other dog owner needs a lesson in compassion. And, man, do I want to be the teacher.

My wife and daughter (God Bless them) know all to well how consumed I am with this. My wife reminds me to keep a cool head as the last thing she needs is for me to get locked up. I agree. However, I struggle with the other guy going about his life like nothing ever happened. I feel like I have unfinished business with him.

I go to church and ask God to open my heart and find peace, but, man, it is a struggle. In the meantime, I struggle with this on a daily basis and want peace.

My dog had cancer so I had her put to sleep a few years ago which was extremely difficult but I visit her in the cemetery and vow to her that I will make things right.

Thoughts, please.

Last edited by bluekoi; Apr 03, 2023 at 10:04 AM.. Reason: Remove religious sentences.
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Default Apr 04, 2023 at 07:50 AM
  #2
I’m so sorry you had this horrible incident, it must have been a massive shock to you and your poor dog going peacefully about your business and being attacked suddenly.

You sound like a protective caring owner and it’s understandable to me you felt angry at the lack of apology or regret from this man.

It’s understandable you feel aggrieved by what you feel is unfairness in the court rejecting your appeal for him to pay the vets bill, it sounds like you were unfortunately caught on the wrong side of the law regarding this leash rule. It must have been annoying that this owner faced no punishment.

How you feel is completely understandable and valid.

But it sounds like you recognise it’s interfering with your life now? To the point where you’re being aggressive in manner towards this man. Your wife is wisely urging you to calm down, because she doesn’t want you to end up on the wrong side of the law again only possibly worse than a leash law if you were to get physical with your aggression towards this man.

I wonder if physically being near the place your dog was attacked is sparking an automatic physical reaction in you, so maybe the first step might be to avoid this area? Would this be possible?

You sound like you were a loving caring owner and maybe by remembering the care you had for your little dog will remind you more of who you really are and want to be. The aggression sounds out of character for you am I right?

Vowing to make things right is a key phrase - exactly how would making things right look to you? If it were assaulting this man and ending up in court on the wrong side of the law? Or focusing more on the loving owner, husband and father you are and living that life?
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Default Apr 04, 2023 at 12:05 PM
  #3
Thank you for your feedback, Discombobulated. I sincerely appreciate it.

First thing, you are right when you say I am protective. I will stop at nothing to defend those I love (whether that loved one has two legs or four legs). I have no ill toward the law. It is fair. Technically I did not abide by it so I will eat it. Still, there is a "moral law" at play here that I just cannot get past. I know people's morals differ and are very subjective so it is just something I have learned to deal with.

And you are right. It has very much consumed an unhealthy part of my life. This is nothing I am proud of and, yes, I show anger toward this guy whenever the opportunity presents itself. A few months ago I was walking/running on the sidewalk in front of his house, he just so happened so be backing out of his driveway. I knew he was seeing me in his rearview mirror so I clearly mouthed an F YOU! to him. I felt better for a second then back to anger. There is no denying I would love for him to get tired of my shenanigans and actually confront me then I could claim the whole "self defense" schtick. I think he recognizes that and perhaps that is why he is passive about it. I am not sure. I would argue that is my way of vowing to my dog to "make things right" with my dog as well. My wife, being the sensible one, always reminds me that as big a sweetheart as my dog was, even she would not want me to avenge her attack.

To answer your question on if I could avoid his street, the answer is yes. However, I choose not to. He lives a few blocks away and I really have no business going by his house in order to get where I need to. Still, I run by his house to let him know I am still around and things are not forgotten and spitting in his yard gives me satisfaction albeit for a moment.

But I get what you are saying. I have a lot to lose with family and all. Still, I struggle with this everyday and, like I mentioned earlier, read scripture and try to find comfort.

Thanks, friend.
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Default Apr 08, 2023 at 06:21 PM
  #4
Hi Revenge, I would feel exactly the same way you did about your dog being attacked, the smugness of the owner, etc. I can really relate to that. I agree that it seems like this is taking way more of a toll on you than him though, and your wife is very insightful for saying what she did. My coworker once said to me that I should forgive people not because they deserve my forgiveness, but because I deserve peace. Not sure I agree, but obviously, it has stuck in my mind. Very sorry to hear about your dog passing away, by the way… I’m an animal lover too.

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Default Apr 09, 2023 at 05:42 AM
  #5
I’ve heard that too about forgiveness being about peace for the forgiver, maybe that can happen for some. I don’t like the idea someone should feel forced to forgive when they aren’t ready however and maybe it’s more realistic to move to a point where we acknowledge the unfairness of what happened but it isn’t something that consumes our energy? If that makes sense. Acceptance perhaps.
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Default Apr 09, 2023 at 07:28 AM
  #6
Good Morning indigo1015 and Happy Easter.

Thank you for the response and understanding. As you mentioned, I have tried to forgive so I can "move on" with my life as they say. It is a struggle but I take it day-by-day. However, it being Easter, I will soon get ready for church and attend a nice service with my wife. I try to look for the good in all things I suppose.

Also, thank you for the kind words about my beloved dog. Even though it has been years it still breaks my heart but then I thank God for letting her be my dog for 10 wonderful years. Nobody can take that away and for that I am grateful.
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Default Apr 09, 2023 at 10:30 AM
  #7
I'm so sorry about your dog. Mine was my baby and even though she's been gone for 16 years last week, I still miss her everyday.

What kind of dog was yours?

I understand how angry you are with this guy. My guess is that you are more angry about what happened to your dog than you would have been if it happened to you. He sounds like an insensitive jerk. Unfortunately, from experience, insensitive jerks don't change. Heck, people in general rarely change all that much, and then only when they want to.

In a weird sense, he's still kind of winning because you're focused on him. He's a waste of your time. He's never going to see the light that you wish he would, he's just going to think there's something wrong with you. He probably feels more vindicated the more he sees you by his house. People see what they want to see.

I hope you can find peace within yourself, I almost guarantee you won't find it with him.
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Default Apr 09, 2023 at 08:26 PM
  #8
Good Evening, ArmorPlate108.

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your dog. Whether it is yesterday or years ago, it still hurts. I would love to hear about your dog.

My dog's name was Ruby and she was a pure-bred mutt. If sweetheart was an actual breed. that is what she would have been. We got her from the Humane Society and she gave us so much love. I miss her every second. We now have a silly beagle who's name is Joy. We also got her from the Humane Society. I love her to pieces, too.

You have an interesting take on the other guy in terms of him "winning". I suppose there may be something to it. But I also feel like I "win" when I approach his house and he turns tail. Kind of like the same satisfaction one gets when they stand up to a bully. It is a tough go. One could argue I invest too much time into this whole ordeal. I respect people's thoughts. I just know how I feel yet I strive to do my family and Ruby proud.
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Default Apr 10, 2023 at 01:10 AM
  #9
What breed of dog was/is your neighbors dog that attacked your dog?
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Default Apr 10, 2023 at 02:42 AM
  #10
I am sure your dog was loyal and well behaved for you on or off leash. It used to be that a person could have his dog join him on a walk if the dog was well behaved and listened loyally.

The reason a leash law became law was more about dog owners that did not have well trained safe dogs but instead had dogs that if not leashed could be dangerous in some way.

It’s unfortunate that your neighbor owned a dog that could cause harm and did harm your kind loving dog. As with all laws the down side can be that even though your dog was nice and well behaved and did not deserve to be attacked, you did not have it on a leash so the good dog in the story did not get justice and respect for being a good dog

Also, even if your dog was on a leash it probably still been attacked by your neighbors dog. The other thing I see is that your neighbor must not have had his dog contained on his property so it could not cross a boundary and attack like that.

What would have been just is that your neighbor should have paid half the expense his dog caused to your dog and admitted his failing to contain his dog. Actually, his homeowners insurance should have paid for the damages his dog caused.

Insurance companies now will not insure your home if you have a certain breed known to be dangerous. Some companies put in a clause stating they will not cover any liability for a home owners dogs.

It’s good that you channeled your anger into positives for yourself. Anger is an emotion that fills the body with adrenaline meant for “fight”. At least you found a productive way of burning off that adrenaline.

Unfortunately, when you see or are near where your dog was hurt you get triggered. Unfortunately this is part of our human design meant for our survival. Added to that your neighbor doing nothing in terms of repairing trust by admitting his failings. It sounds like he is a coward who lacks the charector to repair.
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Default Apr 10, 2023 at 02:55 AM
  #11
The one thing we cannot change is the poor character of another person. It doesn’t matter how much you spit and curse him.

That being said, your neighbor knows he is not without fault.

For the last part, now that so much time has passed and the fact that your neighbors character is not anything you can change what can you change?

Last edited by Open Eyes; Apr 10, 2023 at 06:11 AM..
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Default Apr 10, 2023 at 08:40 AM
  #12
Out of curiosity, where would you find satisfaction with this situation? What would that scenario look like? Where does it end?

From what you've posted, it sounds like he's already apprehensive when he sees you, so it's unlikely you'll get any sort of outward reaction that settles your feelings. Be cautious that in trying to put someone who you feel is a bully in their place, that you don't inadvertantly become a bully yourself. Going out of your way to go by his house, stopping behind his car, watching him turn tail and run- those are all things that could be construed as aggression, no matter how mild it may seem to you. He doesn't know what your thinking, just like you can't know what he's thinking. Neither of you can really know where the other is coming from.

You took responsibility for not having your dog on a leash, even though it sounds like you had good control over her, so it sounds like it's not so much the legal ruling as how you perceived he reacted. Consider that he might be insecure and scared, and maybe couldn't afford the vet bills. We all have an ego that wants to prevail. Sure, he may have been smirking, but who knows what was really behind that, what he was really thinking? Only he knows that, so you responding to that is giving away your power. When you engage him on it, he no longer has to own all of it.

I had an experience about ten years ago that changed how I approached people and situations like this. I can post more about it if you like. A woman road raged on me- her bad, she even tried to cause an accident- and I completely disengaged from it. The results were profound for me. Up until that time I generally would have honked, maybe yelled or gestured, but I didn't. I learned the power of turning the other cheek. It's not about being passive, it's about maintaining your integrity and calm, and allowing the other person to own all their bad behavior in the process.

Unfortunately, one of the main reasons I'm on this forum is because I haven't yet fully managed to spot and disengage from baiting and covert aggressions of those close to me. Work in progress. Trying to be better instead of bitter. It's not always a fast and easy process.

Hope you are feeling peaceful today.
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Default Apr 10, 2023 at 01:15 PM
  #13
Good Afternoon, Open Eyes.

I have no clue what kind of dog it was that attacked my Ruby. If I had to guess it looked like some pit-mix.

And concerning the leash law.... I respect the judge's decision. Technically Ruby was supposed to be on a leash and she was not. I can say with confidence that had no bearing on my dog getting attacked but it's a slippery slope.

I found your perspective on the vet bill being split 50/50 rather interesting. That would have been fair. Another interesting twist to my dog's history.... about a year or so after her attack, Ruby got attacked again. This time from the dog across the street. And by dog I'm talking about a 100lb + Rottweiler. The Rottweiler walked over into our front yard and lunged at Ruby. She had Ruby's neck in her teeth. I was terrified. I was close enough to intervene before Ruby got injured. I picked up the Rottweiler and slammed her to the ground. Naturally, she let go of Ruby and I yelled at my son to get her in the house. So now I'm laying on this huge dog and was thinking she was going to make hamburger of me once I get off of her. To my surprise, she just walked away. My whole point of this story is the neighbor who owned the dog came over and apologized up and down, asked if she could do anything, asked if my dog was okay (she was, thank God), and basically handled it well and showed compassion and concern. To this day we are great friends with them. They are wonderful people. Their dog died so I don't have to worry about her attacking my current dog (Joy).

And to your last point.... what can I change? I figure probably nothing. I have wonderful support from my family and this forum so I thank you (all of you) for that.
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Default Apr 10, 2023 at 01:59 PM
  #14
Those, ArmorPlate108, are words of wisdom and I appreciate it.

I try not so much to be a bully in return but more of a vigilante (which many would still probably say is not a good thing). I just want him to experience the pain his dog caused my dog. Being an animal lover and therefore the "voice" for my dog, I want justice. I tried the legal route and no dice. I would like the confrontation route but as you understand, he wants no part of that. And I'm the first to admit, my actions aren't mild. They're, in fact, direct. I'm no attorney but I know enough to not break the law (intentionally at least). And I admit, there is ego at stake. I can't take too kindly to somebody / something injuring a creature that I love and then going about their lives like it's no big deal.

Concerning your road rage incident, please share more if you'd like. I see aggressive driving all the time and, for the most part, I am pretty passive about it. If people speed, cut in front of me, I don't get too worked up. One thing I still struggle with is when people ride my back bumper. Years ago it was brake-check and middle finger time. Not so much any more. Too many crazy people out there plus I'm a lot older and a little wiser. Obviously though, if a loved one gets hurt (dog attack, road rage, etc.) , I want accountability.

I do like your "better instead of bitter" approach. That is why I go to church to work on my struggles. But, yes, I am feeling at peace today and I hope you are as well.
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Default Apr 10, 2023 at 02:24 PM
  #15
The dog was probably a pit bull mix. Many dogs that are in dog pounds looking for homes are pit bull crosses. People swear they are good dogs, however they can be unpredictable and can get aggressive often going for the throat be it other dog or even a child.

You probably experience other emotions and these surface when you get near the location or your neighbor. Often it’s not just anger that surfaces, but anger is more allowed.

When a person genuinely loves their dog or cat or horses etc. it’s deeply insulting and disturbing when that is devalued and disrespected. There are people that have animals and don’t place the same value on them. It’s just a dog sentiment like it’s more of an object then a living caring loyal presence that is truly loved and cherished.
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Default Apr 10, 2023 at 02:50 PM
  #16
I only have a moment right now so can't post much.

I'm still curious, what could happen with him to make you feel like the situation is put to rest? Right now all I get is that you want him to be in pain, for him to be scared. But that's not an end.

What kind of thing could happen that would make you finally feel okay about the situation and able to move on?
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Default Apr 10, 2023 at 04:03 PM
  #17
Honestly, ArmorPlate108, I don't want him to be scared. I do want him to be in pain. As in, he gets tired of me, finally says something to me and I punch him in the face a few times.

Will it negate the attack from years ago? No. Still, it's something I want. However, I don't want to cross the line and get locked up.
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Default Apr 10, 2023 at 04:48 PM
  #18
Have you had other areas of your life where you've felt and acted this way? Or is the dog situation a rare thing?

Maybe you need to find some other, more productive ways to disipate the anger? The attack of his dog on yours must have been very traumatic. That kind of thing can have a substantial impact on a person.

At least you recognize the potential for you to get into trouble and are hopefully taking some steps to avoid that.
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Default Apr 11, 2023 at 08:25 AM
  #19
Definitely out of the "norm" for me. I am not a violent person in nature by any means. I have only been in one fight in my life and that was in third grade.

As far as an outlet for my anger, I took up running and lifting weights and the health benefits are without question but getting in better physical shape has emboldened me as well. I see enough infomercials that if you buy this gimmicky product, you'll "lose weight, feel better, have more confidence" and all that jazz. I'm not into the gimmick part so much as I can testify about the confidence part. My old self would have never had the nerve to run in public much less by this guy's house.

Other than focusing on my wellness I have also taken up playing vintage baseball last summer, go to church, spend more time with friends and generally be a better family man. This forum has been helpful in that regard with full support from my wife and daughter.
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Default Apr 11, 2023 at 03:55 PM
  #20
It's good that this situation is such an anomaly to your personality. Perhaps it was upsetting enough that you just haven't been able to effectively purge the trauma out of your system.

I'm probably not the person to offer advice on this topic, but maybe it's more about the emotional side of the anger, rather than working out the physical feelings of things?

One thing that I've done in the past that has helped me deal with being really mad, is to write a letter that will never get sent. It's not about the other person, it's about getting it out of my system. You can write a really vulgar, explicit letter and then put it through the shredder. When I do this sort of thing, I'll set the letter aside in a private place for a day or two, then reread it, then put it through the shredder. Sometimes it's surprising what comes out when you just let yourself start flowing emotions. Sometimes it's not even about the thing you think it is, but your mind will take you where it needs to go, iykwim? Sometimes I go through that process a few times before it feels done. Don't know if something like that might work for you, or if it might be something you are interested in trying. Just an idea...
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