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Blueowl
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Old May 12, 2023 at 06:43 PM
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I am divorcing a man who I will describe as very religious. Although I was raised Catholic, I never had a problem with people with different views.

For years, and this is part of the demise of the marriage, he always enjoys talking about religion and the "truth" and shames me for not agreeing. I would never think of shaming him for having a different point of view. I feel so disrespected as a human being and realized that some people, who claim to be religious, can be so intolerant of others who do not share their views. The conversations are always circular and cannot break from the cycle. He thoroughly enjoys engaging in religious talk but seemingly with the intent of inculcating his own views.

Today, for me, it's one of those downer days because I do not like being alone/lonely. I grew up in a family of 6 and so always liked having some noise at home. It was comforting. It kills me to think I am going to be living alone - for who knows how long.

Why are these religious people so mean and cruel? I've had good friends throughout the years who were very religious but that never stopped us from being good friends or respecting each other.

I just don't understand... I cannot wrap my head around it. I was under the wrong impression more religious people would be kinder and I feel like a complete failure for being so naive.

Before getting married, I told him what I wanted. I had all the right conversations. In the last few weeks, he told me it was never his intent to ever get married. I feel duped.

The only thing I feel like doing right now is curl up in bed and cry.
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Old May 12, 2023 at 06:49 PM
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Abusers can distort religion to use against others in these kinds of way that were done to you.

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Old May 15, 2023 at 06:54 AM
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Iím sorry you went through this. It sounds like you tried very hard to understand and respect his view point but it was all one way In your case it was religion but it couldíve been political views or anything where you differed.

You deserve respect. I agree with Tish, itís abusive to disrespect someone in this way.
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Old May 15, 2023 at 07:05 AM
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I'm really sorry. It is disillusioning indeed when "religious" people are outspokenly self-righteous and turn out to be dishonest.
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Old May 15, 2023 at 03:09 PM
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I told my now ex husband what I expected before getting married & said I was not interested in getting married if we were not in agreememt.

Found out later he agreed because he believed I would change after getting married. I did not change & it caused fighting throughout our marriage.

Our differences were all kinds of issues from finances (not overspending) & at that time my degree & career were important & no one was going to get in my way of achieving that. Religion was a silent issue but at this point in my life I would never get married to someone who didn't see religion the same way I do. I can tolerate others outside of marriage but inside marriage that division has an effect whether we want to admit it or not & it does nothing to pull together the closeness a marriage needs.

Finding someone in the future who thinks like you do.....you will find the real difference an agreement on this makes in a marriage & so will he.

Arguing & fighting about it serves no purpose on his part because it drives you farther away. But religious differences are as hard on a marriage as financial differences because those topics don't usually have any place where compromise is possible if one feels very strongly about the issue. Being friends with someone who thinks differently is a lot different than being tied to them 24/7 through marriage

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Old May 15, 2023 at 05:41 PM
  #6
 
"I told my now ex husband what I expected before getting married & said I was not interested in getting married if we were not in agreememt.

Found out later he agreed because he believed I would change after getting married."

I had all the needed conversations... Same as your ex-husband, he told me he thought I would change. I was upfront from the very beginning!

I grew up in a household where my father was more religious than my mother, and it was not a big deal whatsoever. I grew up with tolerating differences. Yes, you don't live with a friend - absolutely true. Good point.

About politics... that has surfaced also. And women's rights. I truly believe the source is that he cannot control me, control how I think, nor intimidate me through threats or shaming. I'm not caving in and that makes him even more furious.

I've heard him talk to people on the phone and he pretends to be such a good man... and when no one is looking, all I get is contempt and disdain. He knows what he is doing. His choices have hurt me.

Religion was a non-factor in my first marriage. He was methodist and I was catholic. We had no issues in that realm - at all.

Thank goodness for these forums because I wouldn't know how to get this stuff off my chest. Thank you, fellow posters.
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Old May 25, 2023 at 05:18 AM
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Unfortunately people who do not have strong identities sometimes wrap themselves in belief systems and causes to try and fill those deficits. But what usually happens is they take all of their unhappiness and confusion with themselves and transpose that onto others to emotionally fool themselves into thinking they are "okay". Its everyone else who have the issues. Sadly what they wrap themselves in usually gets the blame instead of themselves as the bad actors that chose to wear those beliefs or causes. Him being "religious" is not the problem. Him choosing that as his platform to demean and disparage you is.

Its fascinating to me how a man who professes strength in his "faith" can say to you it was never his intention to be married since the process involves vowels. The hypocrisy of that statement is blinding. He better turn in his religious card if his conviction is only good for a verbal beatdown, but is nowhere to be found in real life situations. Clearly you are in a better world without the noise his confusion causes. I would seek out better sounds that start with love, tolerance, understanding, and compassion. Those don't seem to come out from this individual. All my hopes.
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Old May 25, 2023 at 09:12 PM
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@Embracingtruth

Very well articulated. I couldn't have come up with what you wrote; it's spot on.
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