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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2012
Location: Italy - but living in my head
Posts: 1,709
11 1,218 hugs
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May 22, 2023 at 04:16 PM
#1
I am so furious at myself i want to die and have planned It.
Just had to tell someone... __________________ * Heaven is a place where Nothing Ever Happens - "Heaven" by Talking Heads * Death ends a life, Not a Relationship - Mitch Albom |
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 ArmorPlate108, Discombobulated, Fuzzybear, mote.of.soul, Sohappy
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Grand Member
Member Since Aug 2022
Location: The House
Posts: 978
1 627 hugs
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May 23, 2023 at 05:11 AM
#2
Oh no, sinking...
Hugs if wanted... Please be gentle with yourself. If you want to talk more about your feelings, we are here. |
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| mote.of.soul, sinking
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 ArmorPlate108, sinking
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2012
Location: Italy - but living in my head
Posts: 1,709
11 1,218 hugs
given
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May 23, 2023 at 09:09 AM
#3
Thank you... right now im numb again....
__________________ * Heaven is a place where Nothing Ever Happens - "Heaven" by Talking Heads * Death ends a life, Not a Relationship - Mitch Albom |
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| ArmorPlate108, mote.of.soul, TheGal
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2012
Location: Italy - but living in my head
Posts: 1,709
11 1,218 hugs
given
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May 25, 2023 at 02:07 PM
#4
WHY do i wish and expect OTHERS to save ME and i dont seem able to do it MYSELF?
anyone can relate or has an answer? __________________ * Heaven is a place where Nothing Ever Happens - "Heaven" by Talking Heads * Death ends a life, Not a Relationship - Mitch Albom |
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| mote.of.soul
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Grand Member
Member Since Aug 2022
Location: The House
Posts: 978
1 627 hugs
given |
May 25, 2023 at 03:19 PM
#5
It's hard...
Do you find you can save others, though? |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2012
Location: Italy - but living in my head
Posts: 1,709
11 1,218 hugs
given
|
May 25, 2023 at 03:28 PM
#6
i keep trying saving others, but i never got to do it...
why? __________________ * Heaven is a place where Nothing Ever Happens - "Heaven" by Talking Heads * Death ends a life, Not a Relationship - Mitch Albom |
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| Discombobulated, Fuzzybear
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Grand Member
Member Since Aug 2022
Location: The House
Posts: 978
1 627 hugs
given |
May 25, 2023 at 04:00 PM
#7
We sometimes look to save others instead of ourselves by means of filling the inner void.
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2012
Location: Italy - but living in my head
Posts: 1,709
11 1,218 hugs
given
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May 25, 2023 at 08:03 PM
#8
This is brilliant, thank you!
__________________ * Heaven is a place where Nothing Ever Happens - "Heaven" by Talking Heads * Death ends a life, Not a Relationship - Mitch Albom |
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| TheGal
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TheGal
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Grand Member
Member Since Aug 2022
Location: The House
Posts: 978
1 627 hugs
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May 26, 2023 at 03:56 AM
#9
I learned that from a very good psychologist who was not only a therapist but a teacher.
She taught me many things including "codependency". |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2012
Location: Italy - but living in my head
Posts: 1,709
11 1,218 hugs
given
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May 26, 2023 at 01:06 PM
#10
Could you please tell me more about codependency? i know what it is but id like to know what you have learned. thank you for sharing.
hugs __________________ * Heaven is a place where Nothing Ever Happens - "Heaven" by Talking Heads * Death ends a life, Not a Relationship - Mitch Albom |
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Grand Member
Member Since Aug 2022
Location: The House
Posts: 978
1 627 hugs
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May 26, 2023 at 04:12 PM
#11
I am still struggling with it, to be honest. I wasn't brought up to identify and look after my own needs. I often felt guilty for putting myself first. For wanting to be respected. That all stems from the dysfunctional dynamic in my "family of origin". A significant "inner void" developed in myself. That's because to survive in my family, I had to walk on eggshells and put the caregivers' needs ahead of my own. This is called "parentification".
I helped others before myself in hope that they would help me in return. I used to invest a lot in other people, instead of investing directly in myself. The pattern repeated in my adult life and I, as a result, was in an abusive relationship with a "narcissist" who took advantage of me and whom I allowed to control me. You might want to start a separate thread about codependency, so you can get feedback and different points of views from other people. I did a quick search on this forum, and there are already some threads that you might wish to read: codependency https://mysupportforums.org/search.p...rchid=10167317 codependent https://mysupportforums.org/search.p...rchid=10167321 Hugs to you, too! |
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Grand Member
Member Since Aug 2022
Location: The House
Posts: 978
1 627 hugs
given |
May 26, 2023 at 04:15 PM
#12
Also, have you heard of "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs"? I am looking into this so as I can start identifying my needs and take better care of myself.
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2012
Location: Italy - but living in my head
Posts: 1,709
11 1,218 hugs
given
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May 27, 2023 at 04:54 AM
#13
Hi,
thank you for explaining me so well codependency and the logic behind it. i think my case is different though. i have always had to emotionally provide comfort to myself alone and even if during the years i have tried to help others (mom especially - but also many other people met online), it never got to the point where i could not count on her on emergencies. my doubts here come from WHY i want to reach emergencies to be taken care of or better, WHY, i want my doctors to get worried about me and save my life. i've understood why i cannot do it myself, but i think its manipulative on my part to seek that from them and i hate it. but im like that only with doctors, no one else knows of my daily struggles and plans to commit suicide. why do i want doctors to save me from suicide? or better, why do i want to attempt seriously and fail? __________________ * Heaven is a place where Nothing Ever Happens - "Heaven" by Talking Heads * Death ends a life, Not a Relationship - Mitch Albom |
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Grand Member
Member Since Aug 2022
Location: The House
Posts: 978
1 627 hugs
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May 27, 2023 at 05:26 AM
#14
Ah ok...
Maybe you are looking for unconditional love from your doctors? |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2012
Location: Italy - but living in my head
Posts: 1,709
11 1,218 hugs
given
|
May 27, 2023 at 05:47 AM
#15
I dont think its even that, i feel i already have it.
maybe i want them to see how "twisetd" i am for wanting to hurt myself (in any way) and tell me not to do it for xy reasons. im looking for reasons not to hurt myself or kill myself. and i think only docs can give me that. maybe that why. thank you for helping me thinking about this. its VERY important to me. also, i feel kind of proud for wanting to hurt myself, i dont know why. __________________ * Heaven is a place where Nothing Ever Happens - "Heaven" by Talking Heads * Death ends a life, Not a Relationship - Mitch Albom |
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Grand Member
Member Since Aug 2022
Location: The House
Posts: 978
1 627 hugs
given |
May 27, 2023 at 06:20 AM
#16
I'll have to consider what you just said ... I don't have an answer off the top of my head.
Do you have a psychiatrist? Have you talked about this in a frank manner with them? I'd consider taking what you just wrote to them and having a deep discussion about it, asap. Also, you need to consider editing your post to include "trigger warning" for the content about self harm that might be alarming for other people to read. |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2012
Location: Italy - but living in my head
Posts: 1,709
11 1,218 hugs
given
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May 27, 2023 at 09:50 AM
#17
I have just spoken with my psych about this, she will help me. thank you for suggesting i talk with her honestly.
now i need to think some more. and i will edit the posts, thank you for reminding me. hugs __________________ * Heaven is a place where Nothing Ever Happens - "Heaven" by Talking Heads * Death ends a life, Not a Relationship - Mitch Albom |
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| TheGal
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TheGal
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Grand Member
Member Since Aug 2022
Location: The House
Posts: 978
1 627 hugs
given |
May 27, 2023 at 10:40 AM
#18
It is good to know that you connected with your psych and will talk honestly about this.
Let us know, if you want to, how you get along. Hugs |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2012
Location: Italy - but living in my head
Posts: 1,709
11 1,218 hugs
given
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May 27, 2023 at 11:06 AM
#19
It's all thanks to you @TheGal. THANK YOU
hugs __________________ * Heaven is a place where Nothing Ever Happens - "Heaven" by Talking Heads * Death ends a life, Not a Relationship - Mitch Albom |
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Grand Member
Member Since Aug 2022
Location: The House
Posts: 978
1 627 hugs
given |
May 27, 2023 at 11:10 AM
#20
Quote:
Thank you! I truly feel for you. But give yourself credit, you are the one who did all the hard work - you posted on here for starters AND you called your psych! Kudos to you! Big hug! |
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