Faking it well enough

I find it's exhausting hiding my emotions.

I am sure some people can tell something is up. And then there are who don't care or don't want to hear it.

Whatever I have that provides something for me, I am afraid to let go.

Since I struggled so long without those things, I know how valuable they are now.

((((SH))))

It can be so hard and exhausting for sure.


I hope you can sort through your emotions and find some resolution so you don't have to hide them.

Have you identified your emotions and written them down?

Writing in a journal might help, as well as CBT techniques. I say this knowing that I should do this as well.

Keep posting, we are here to help.

It just seems like there is never an appropriate place or time to express my negative emotions or I don't know how to navigate it.

At ft work, I don't think I am allowed to show anything but positive feelings of confidence and professionalism. I have resist showing frustration and impatience at tedious tasks. I have to maintain professionalism and acceptance when I get told off by someone more experienced or higher position and be open to criticism. And even if they are not higher than me, I am still the outsider trying to show I belong there. I feel like I have to try to maintain positive polite interactions or else they might be cooperative with me.

Then there is my pt job at the store. I have to behave as though I'm in a great mood, ready to help, and be polite all the time. If I get a rude customer, I have to play dumb for the most part 😤. And I have to forget it happened when I get the next customer because they are not going to like it if I am not cheerful. I push myself to be positive because I don't want to be the one they blamed for a lousy experience. I try my best to help everyone whenever I can.

At home: I can probably show more of my emotions but then they don't really like it but who does? And I am having to hide my emotions again when I feel like it's just going to get them down or upset.

I just want to succeed because I don't want to lose what I have. The cost would be too great.

If allowed priority to all my feelings, I imagine all the things I would lose and it's a horrible feeling.

I wish I was more positive but in reality I am not. I feel like part of self care is maintaining my jobs so I don't end having no choices again. I fear poverty because I experienced it and it's terrible having to depend on others who end up feeling resentful towards me.

And because in the past when I allowed myself to give priority to my emotions, nothing great came out of it. A lot of damage was done and no progress was made. And I tried medication and I had abusive psychiatrists who mistreated me, etc. I feel like I have PSTD from psychiatrists and doctors.

I just want to be independent and have a stable income and stable relationships.

And I learn that emotions and come and go. I feel more embarrassed for having an angry outburst and making everyone feel uncomfortable. I feel like behaviors matter the most. And I worry about any irreparable damage that I do to others. I don't want them to remember me in a negative way. I learned people don't remember what the argument was about but they will remember how they were yelled at...

I finally have a great stable job and I should be grateful...My life has been much better than it was a year ago when I was told I needed professional help and I was emotionally unstable. I had to work hard at myself to change my mindset and behaviors.

(((SH)))

You've come such a long way, pat yourself on the back and know that "Rome wasn't built in a day". Try to be gentle with yourself and practice mindful patience.


It's not easy walking a tightrope and not knowing exactly how to navigate one's emotions. I hear you. I often feel that way myself... it's not easy.

But it's a part of putting on a mask to deal with the professional world, and it can feel inauthentic... yet, as you point out, there are consequences of not doing so.

It also helps if we feel like we are in our clan.

Hopefully, you find MSF to be a kind of clan for you. I know you've helped me feel that it is and I thank you!

Thank you TGal.

A friend told me she fakes (happiness, stability) too and that everyone does (who doesn't want to show they are suffering).

I had to unlearn years of bad behavior I learned from my family in the past...Moving away from them helps and working at customer service job and office job helps as well.

I guess the only place to really share your negative feelings is with a psychologist and mental health supportive environment. I don't have one yet but plan to eventually.

It can be so hard, SH...

I, too, struggled to hide my emotions at the office job.

The two things that helped me was to make it into a sort of game whereby I'd pretend to be an actress and see how many positive responses I could elicit. Also concentrating on the things I could control on my end and that meant extra effort to go the extra mile and learn more and train myself (where training was lacking) to deal with the stress. I don't know whether I explained that well. Anyway, it is exhausting and my heart goes out to you.

I hope you find good psychological counsel soon.

Hugs

Yes, I understand what you mean.

I have been trapped in my negative emotions every day for a very long time that it became too comfortable. I associated everything to support my grief. When it rained, I associated as mother nature crying with me. Now I refuse to entertain or associate anything with my emotions. I see everything external from as completely separate from me. I try not to cry anymore when I hear a celebrity died because I never met them. I try not to go in that sad space. Being too comfortable with negative emotions made it a struggle to find a job and hold them although I had my part time store job that I didn't love but I fought to keep it.

I try not to think about the past or how bad my family treated me horribly. I know I will be in a mess if I do. Nothing positive comes out of it

I try to be grateful for my jobs because my life was a mess before.

I had to find ways to improve my moods even if it was temporary. I watched youtube channels on communication in business, motivational success videos etc. just to set me in the proper mood before work. I also watched stand up comedians that I liked too when I was really low and it helped me not to take life so seriously.

When you say you come home to others, who is it you come home to? Are these room mates? Is it a family? Is it a spouse and kids? Is it your mom and dad? I think that's good place to examine this issue.

It's my own personal journey. I am doing it mostly for my own mental health. I don't feel like I have anyone who truly cares if I lost everything that matters. Unfortunately it's how life turned out. I'm not a selfish person but I'm tired of being abused by others.

Nobody is going to care that I cannot do my art and need my art supplies that cost hundreds of dollars.

My family made me throw out most of my things because they consider them junk.