feeling too bad for too long.

yes, i'm sure there are things she doesnt talk to me about. either she had time to calm herself with distraction, or perhaps used her workbooks or tools she's learned, or maybe she heard good news from someone, or communicated with someone. or something else......

she has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and at one point ptsd.

things could be going very bad right now for my child. im not sure. i haven slept all night in worry and fear and sadness.

i saw her at lunch and everything seemed fine, she said she was staying home, and then right before i got off work i saw she turned off the location app we both use and she went off on the bus and never came home. staying at a friends house theyd never been to before, but the friend has stayed here before.

to figure his out, i went to friends houses and got friends numbers. she was ignoring the friends too, or refusing to tell the friends where she was going. said she wasnt going home if she went home she'd

everyone worked together and eventually she told friends where she was going and they told me. i found out the address and i managed to talk to that friend before she got there. i begged the friend to please let me know if my daughter is okay and let me know when she got there (long bus ride). once she got to the house the friend and my daughter both texted me. about 6:45 and she'd been ignoring me for two plus hours. she was calling me mama and ma, like no biggie?

i even called non-emergency and the police called her and she told them she is safe. the police said i could go grab her from the house, but i spoke with the mental health support team and after hours of effort we decided she is safe at the friends for the night and we can figure out more tomorrow.

i asked about bringing her medication to her for the night and she said she already took it. i asked how since its in a lock box. she said shes been stockpiling it. so i guess when i let her go on sleepovers and she promises she took the meds but she didnt? or pretending to swallow it at home? why? she is the one who wants to be on the meds. im so upset about that because these medication changes are already scary and not monitored well, and then she is messing around with it on top of it, and i thought we are being careful.

i was asking her about tomorrow and she just said she needs to be away for awhile then stopped communicating. i did hear back from her friend awhile after that and was told they are just watching a movie. i asked the friend to please let me know if daughter is going to leave their house.

i spoke for like four hours or more to support people or i would have gone insane probably. now i know my child could keep doing this and i dont know what they are trying to accomplish--is this due to recent med changes and resulting worsening depression or what? or due to "stockpiling" meds.

my childs best friend and i talked for quite a long time, and they say they also see a change in the last month after daughter was inpatient (and got on more and different medication). both of us were surprised and concerned that she would be willing to let us worry not knowing where they are. i guess she said she is safe and thinks thats good enough, but the behavior is out of character, lying, impulsive, panicked, desperate. i'm not sure they actually took their medication. i dont know the parents where she is at right now. they dont really speak english. i'm so sick and worried. the medication things is really too much. my daughter assured me again and again and again that they took it. but why would i believe that when they said they had been pretending to take it or stockpiling it and that is why they have it?

i cant stop worrying and it is so frustrating and scary that my child is on the run in a sense and doesnt have medication, doesnt maybe have their phone charger? and i guess they have the bus to get around on. i hope they don't do anything dangerous.

i dont know what is coming next and i feel terrible. they say they are safe and fine.

was doing a lot of crying tonight and thought about this thread. my child ended up staying away from home right up until christmas eve or the day before. they turned their gps back on their phone so i could see where they are after two days. they got me to meet them at the mall to pay for and sign off on their piercing, and then after they went back to their friend's house for more days away. child was coming up with things they need money for, and wanting me to send it to them, but they were lying about what they wanted the money for. they finally came home once they felt "safe" to do so. and they said they didn't want to talk about the week they'd been gone. they told me they want to drop out of school for a ged. any school is too stressful. they told me they needed to do whatever they want basically, until there is a better plan, otherwise life isn't worth living.

its been a struggle. a lot of struggle.

im thankful for some things child has been agreeing to do and sticking to, like:
taking medication in front of me over video call when they're away on a sleep over.

leaving their gps on their phone all the time.

letting me know where they are and where they are going.

more recently:
doing some daily tasks. doing some school work. talking to me about some thoughts and feelings. talking about the future. engaging in services

things have been going better for awhile, a bit more predictable. theres challenges almost every single day