feeling too bad for too long.

feeling underwater from emotion, exhaustion from worry and stress, always being awake/vigilant, standing by, tending, walking on eggshells again

searching for answers and solutions, being told the solution is something i dont know if i can accommodate. wondering what is the right answer. assessing risks.

working a stressful job, having a stressful home life. not enjoying life much at all. doing hard work no play--feeling imbalance

feeling physical pain from so much depression. feeling sickened from a toxic level of stress. constantly thinking about being careful and making the right choices, and still not feeling secure or successful. can't escape others problems, can't enjoy myself. suppressing emotion for the sake of others. not being able to release the emotion later. not able to think of myself. feeling like no one. feeling so down. having caretakers fatigue.

all i know to do is be grateful for what i have, and that things arent worse. i'm pretty miserable. i'm at my breaking point from feeling so bad so long.

some things are going okay. but what does that matter when the most important things aren't? at least i have resources. i'm afraid of how down i'm feeling. and no, i don't want medication.

got to think of something pleasurable that is healthy, attainable

I am sorry you are going through so much right now and I wish I knew what to say to help. I've had depression for ages from worrying and it is exhausting but I am trying to stay busy and stay in the moment. I've changed my morning routine so I can stay balanced and focus on what I can control. Well, be kind to yourself and stay strong.

Oh yeah, do you like reading? I'm reading more and it gets me out of my head. Maybe try and find something you enjoy doing and take a moment to focus on that. I didn't sleep all night so I painted abstracts because that's one way I meditate. I'm still not tired yet, lol. Hope you feel better soon.

Sorry that you're feeling so bad. I hope the overwhelm of pain and struggle lifts for you soon.

Thank you. Exactly--depression from worrying.
and having to meet demands when i'm already worn down. and then having no sleep on top of it.
i'm trying to figure out what i can change.
i will try to be kind to myself and stay strong.

i could read. thats a good idea. i used to read so much but have barely read a book in the last 7 years. always reading on a computer instead.

i hope you get rest soon.

thank you. i think there is a long battle ahead for me. i guess i'm weary just knowing that. trying to stay positive.

I’m sorry Starling it sounds like you have situational anxiety and depression and no place to vent it.

You are still connected to a man that is drug dependent and still very selfish. Unfortunately, even though he is at a distance he still has a connection to what should be your sanctuary. You know deep down he wants a piece of it and he can make things very challenging.

I had to deal with that kind of challenge with my older sister and her need to have very unhealthy control over my parents. That lasted for too many years and it wore me out and reeked havoc on my nervous system.

It’s hard when a toxic person that needs a high and has mood swings can affect not only you but your children too.

Have you ever attended an alanon meeting? Sometimes being around others that you can vent to that understand can help.

Thanks openeyes. i have attended some alanon meetings, which was helpful, but i couldnt get the time away from home for them so stopped going.

i am feeling better today although i barely slept. i was at a very low low yesterday. crying on my way to work. i felt very itchy from so much bad feeling. i cried for longer this morning, which helped ease some itchiness, frustration and exhaustion.

i did some research that i needed to do, which helped.

i'm not even struggling about "husband" right now, aside from knowing how he's affected our kids which i am very heavily dealing with the aftermath of. thankfully, i have finally condensed him to a tiny square space of my being. i am so relieved to close that chapter for the most part. i "get it" now, and i'm done processing the disaster of my unhealthy bond to him.

my daughter has been in a bad mental space for so long, and i have done everything in my power to help her. just when i thought id set up the help she may need, help for our family, she had just told me it won't work for her and instead she wants something that i cannot practically provide. i really lost hope the last couple days, and have been fighting off very negative thoughts.

she had been inpatient almost all of november, and i had good reason not to have confidence in the "professionals" where she was placed.

in the last few hours though, some of my choices and boundaries with her have paid off. so, i have rebuilt a bit of confidence as a mother to my child.

i was feeling the same level of toxic stress about my daughter that i had felt about my husband before. not good.

I’m sorry (((Starling))) it’s especially stressful when as a mother we can’t fix things like we want to.

How old is your daughter, I can’t remember.

she is 15 and a half

Oh that’s a challenging age so it’s understandable you feel so frustrated. Your daughter is at the age where hormones are raging and emotional confusion is common so family complications can actually get crippling. Has she had any DBT therapy?

yes, its a tough age. she is a great kid who is struggling and trying to figure out how to feel better. yes, she has had therapy for the last two years, one-on-one therapy, group therapy, two inpatient stays. my understanding is dbt was incorporated in all the therapy.

a frustration is communicating a "no" to her and enforcing boundaries. i go back and forth in my mind about where to draw the line. sometimes she doesnt have an off button. if i tell her no about something, she takes it very hard, like everything depends on it. even if shes already been doing something for days. she will avoid responsibilities for days, weeks, months.

she wanted 4 kids to stay the night. thankfully only 2 did. they showed up early in the day, when she would have been doing schoolwork, but she will not really do schoolwork right now. i said that is fine, but that i wanted everyone to leave by 1pm the next day. i held to the 1pm cutoff. Normally she'd be very irritated at me by this i think, but after 24 plus straight hours wih people in her space, she was worn down to a nub. slept most the rest of the day.

So the challenge you describe interns of boundaries is pretty normal for that age group. Children test the parents the most and it can be waring because it’s not fun to be the bad guy. They actually learn a lot during this testing period and they may not consciously know they are testing. It’s a part of development and it’s important to understand that their brain isn’t fully developed so their reasoning lacks due to that frontal lobe that doesn’t fully develop until around age 25.

These are definitely challenging years.

yes, totally normal scenario. but, my exerting normal boundaries and expectations does not often go normally. there can be a lot of chaos around the most basic things. its not typical because there is the recurring concern of self-harm, ideations.

its hard to know where to draw the line because one could say she is being lazy, irresponsible, selfish, spoiled, disrespectful. or one could say she is being depressed, desperate, anxious, overwhelmed.

i have tried to foster communication, tried to take away the phone away for the night (she had such a meltdown i gave it back right away), or throw marijuana away (she raged for hours at me about it), ask her to do schoolwork (she tells me she cannot do it and portrays that self-harm will follow), and then i have her therapist tell me with her in the room that i am being a bad mom doing that, taking away her lifeline, making it so she might kill herself.

so then i do nothing, allow her to do nothing, or allow her to do whatever she asks for, try to accommodate her, pick up the slack, and did it help at all?? i don't know.

my son says i enable her, that she is gaslighting and being abusive.

after all the chaos of this year with her struggle, and me being there for her without fail, running myself absolutely ragged, only for her to think i dont validate her, i don't listen, and i don't get it. yes shes a kid, saying kid things. but me sitting for weeks in the hospital by her side makes it not typical kid stuff at the same time. all year long, no professionals agree about much. they all say different things. its maddening. my voice is drowned out. i have little power, except to facilitate. all the professionals have agreed on ONE THINGS.this program i get her enrolled in that weve been waiting for months to start. and now suddenly she said she doesnt think it will work for her, and she wants to do something else (residential) and if she doesnt, she wont survive.

so even with a different insurance to cover residential, it would cost probably minimum 15k per month, and i would have to get rid of the state insurance i have now which covers all these visits, medications, hospital stays, outpatient. then when residential is over, i would be paying premiums, copays, after care. we would lose the ONE program all the professional told me we need.

it crushed my hope (for at least a few days) when my daughter said she doesnt want to do the program. she is always telling me what is right and best in the past, and it led to more harm for her. so i just dont know, my head is spinning.

maybe i think her behavior is better than it is. not sure
she told me she recognizes she is expressing narcissitic traits and she doesnt want to be that way.
sometimes i wonder if she is just too hard on herself.

i have noticed a slight improvement in her being able to talk to me about these kind of things. usually i just see her outburst of emotion and then she calms down eventually and if you try to follow up with her about it, ask about it, she cuts you off immediately and throws out threatening emotion again, like another meltdown/outburst will happen.

Is she on the autism spectrum?

What you describe is more than the typical challenge I mentioned. Have professionals come up with a diagnosis?

I’m sorry it’s no wonder you are so stressed.

I don’t think what you are describing is NPD it’s too early to diagnose that. There is something else developing and the professionals may not quite know yet.

I watched a talk with the author that wrote a book about Elon Musk. He is a very complex individual with Autism/Aspergers and he experiences some very drastic mood swings that challenge him. He may have bipolar in addition to the Aspergers. He goes days with very little to no sleep.

It sounds like there is no typical and more of a quest of what can work best for whatever challenge your daughter has.

autism has never come up. they diagnosed her with ptsd before, and general anxiety disorder, and severe depression.

we have her in an online school, where they work at their own pace. she goes about 5 hours in person a week. she hasnt done any schoolwork all november. she avoided most of it all october, and crammed it all in the last week. she has gone in person 4 times. she was doing in person school before that, and not able to get to school, or stay at school due to anxiety. she is on six medications right now. though two are new in the last few weeks, and one is a replacement for her prior depression medication. she wants to take all the medications but also feels numb and empty from them.

i allowed the sleepover, though i wasnt sure she was ready for it. she said it was worth it and glad it happened, but has been sleeping most of the last two days. i asked her to do the dishes that she and her friends dirtied while they were here, and she brought them to the sink yesterday but wont do them. says she will do it tomorrow. says she is too tired. i said maybe we need to not do sleepovers until she is more recovered. better to have friends leave at a decent hour. they were smoking pot in her bedroom at 2am, i smelled it and called up there saying to stop immediately.

this afternoon, i had mentioned getting the]dishes done (maybe 15 minute tops of dishes). she said after her movie. she started seeming sleepy. i said please pause the movie and do it now, if you think you will fall asleep. she said no she wouldnt. i also mentioned us doing 20 minutes of school work. she fell asleep.

this is what happens all the time. i get "sold" or told something that she needs, and i support her, maybe i'll make a condition based on past experiences, and she'll agree, but rarely follows through without a lot of asking on my part. she will delay the simplest thing for several days.
i end up blaming myself for everything.

now i'm thinking its because she thinks i don't want to support her to go residential. (even though its like this a lot aside from talk about residential) yet i havent even been able to talk to her about it because she is either with friends, sleeping, or distracting all weekend.

shes very depressed, and right now i feel like i have no ability to help her on a better path. we end up talking about dishes. by the way, ive done the dishes for her 1000 times

I’m sorry Starling, it can get lonely when there are unknowns and you don’t know how to address it. Without a clear diagnosis which can be a question at your daughters age, it’s hard to get parental support.

thanks. im just feeling so much stress. im anxious and cant see the forest through the trees.



i have to stay positive. i need a motto....

we just had a nice family hug and my daughter was loving towards me after being quite sour and rude a short time before. i wish i knew what changed...

The reason they don’t diagnose teens is because they tend to see the world revolving around themselves and they can lack in the ability to recognize the needs and feelings of others. They tend to be very self absorbed.

Your daughter can get challenged by things that she doesn’t talk to you about and that can be part of her mood swings that confused you.