Still self-sabotage despite self-awareness

I'm so disappointed in myself.

I self-sabotaged yet again, when asked the name of my law firm by my brother in law.

Some historical facts about my relationship with my BIL:

1) Until I got into trouble at his temp agency that he had recommended to his trainer to hire me: we were on great terms.
a) I wasn't getting any assignments and complained to the trainer who then fired me for complaining. After that my BIL lost all respect for me.
2) After what happened at his temp agency w/me (I never involved him either); I caught him once glaring at me and he avoided being in the same room with me for the past two years until recently when my sister would invite me over for her children's birthdays or a federal holiday.
3) I didn't tell my BIL that I know the name of his new temp agency where he does the IT work (I heard him in the background talking to a recruiter when I was there to apply as a temp this summer, which I never completed the application for once I heard my BIL's voice). I later verified his employment via his LinkedIn profile since we were still linked as connections there.

Since my mom died, my sister has continued to host federal holidays and I continue to attend, despite the stilted and fractured relationship we have as sisters; despite the fact that her husband doesn't like me, and her children who are now in their 20s, treat me with detached affection.

Last night at Christmas dinner, my BIL asked me the name of my law firm.

What I wanted to say:

"How about I tell you that when I've been there for a year."
"Where do you work?"

What I said:

"The name of the law firm."

Regret immediately sunk in. I suppose it wouldn't matter anyway, had I updated my LinkedIn profile with my law firm's name and my role there. I haven't for obvious reasons.

I feel disappointed in myself for not holding stronger interpersonal boundaries with my BIL. He can reach out to the firm administrator and warn her about me. He could do a number of things I guess, digitally, to sabotage my employment if I he wanted to since he's been IT recruiter for 25 years and knows everyone in the temp industry.

I've been trying to reflect on why I still let my sister and her family cross my boundaries. It can't be as simple as, me wanting them to like and respect me. It has to be something more. But, I can't put my finger on it.

They all have very strong boundaries with me because they have nothing invested in me, so they have nothing to lose. I never know anything about their lives unless they tell me. And even then, I just assume what they share with me are blatant lies anyway.

I'm so disappointed in myself for telling my BIL the name of my law firm. It shows me that I'm still people pleasing when I know the people are toxic to my development and well-being. Am I so well-trained in black sheep, self-loathing, codependency that the patterns of emotional abuse put upon me by my parents and siblings are etched permanently in my brain that no new synapses could overwrite?

Therapy (cognitive, DBT, CBT) has not been successful at overwriting those trained responses, put upon me against my better knowledge as a child. And although I'm very aware of my automatic responses, like a pre-written out of office email signature, I can't overwrite them. No matter how may therapists I talk to, how many books i read, how many journal entries I write. I can't overcome those damned automatic responses like was seen last night.

I feel like I'll never succeed in overcoming those automatic responses. I'll never be able to have a correct boundary with a toxic family member.

Honestly you responded like a normal people would if ask where you work.

Living in a dysfunction teaches us to either lie or alter or withhold information because telling the truth puts us in embarrassing or harmful or damaging situations.

But being on a constant alert is exhausting. No one can live like this. You really can’t expect yourself to be on alert at holiday dinner. Don’t beat yourself up or be disappointed. Your response is a healthy and appropriate reaction to people’s questions. You can’t beat yourself up over the fact that those other people might use your info against you.

My dad often accuses me and my brother for being secretive. The thing is we can’t rehearse every answer ahead of time. And lying is exhausting because you have to remember your lies. Yet telling the truth about the most innocent thing could lead to either a fight or some other embarrassing situation. So we avoid providing exact answers . But it’s tiring. It’s draining to say the least

Don’t beat yourself up.

Divine is right. When reading this scenario, my first instinct (this is the dysfunctional instinct) would be to invent some fake superstitious reason I can't name the company.

On reflecting for a few minutes and reading divine's response to you, I would choose to tell the name and that's because that's what normal people would do in a conversation. So your side of the conversation was normal. Your response was healthy.

I’d even say that inventing some other name might not be a dysfunctional response per se, but rather self-preservation based on our negative experiences. Yet being always prepared to lie or be secretive cannot be expected of us! We deserve to relax!

You're correct, @divine1966 that living in dysfunction teaches us to be dishonest for reasons of self-preservation. And, it's emotionally exhausting to live in that state of mine all the time around toxic family members, as in my case.

I guess my response was a health and appropriate reaction to my BIL's question, despite the fact that neither he nor my sister share with me the name of their workplace, or any details around it other than they both work from home.

I shouldn't beat myself up either, as you pointed out, over how my BIL will use that information against me. After all, I can't control what he does with that information. What's said is what's said.

Still, my people-pleasing is so easily triggered since it's an ingrained pattern (again, due to self-preservation). Flight or fight mode. I live between those two worlds and it's really exhausting. Probably why my cortisol has pooled around my waistline (where else would it go).

The dysfunctional instinct, much like the Force form Star Wars, is strong with this one. And I knew who my parents were.

I am usually great at inventing names. For a split second, I had a fake law firm name pulled up in my subconscious, that I rehearsed aloud on my drive over to my sister's.

But, like the startled character in a B-horror movie, I freaked out and told the truth, setting aside my self-preservation in order to please everyone at the table.

And for no reasons since my BIL and sister don't even like or respect me. I know this. Yet, I knee jerked responded with the truth. I curse you Mark Twain, for your quote about the truth is easier to remember than a lie.

Thank you @Molinit for again saying that my response was healthy. Why does healthy feel so scary to me, when its around people whom I know don't want me to be healthy and will undermine, gaslight, and self-sabotage me all the time?

Maybe that's why I posted? Because my healthy response felt terrifying considering the risk that I took by doing so. I put myself out there for them to lie and manipulate that information for their own benefit with.

I agree. I can't always be 'on' with a dysfunctional response per se. It's exhausting to skirt the truth with toxic people in the name of self preservation.
I have no idea what (if anything) awaits me. I won't know how their reaction to my truth-telling plays out, until it does and affects me negatively (which, I always experience when I share the truth with them). The easiest example is if I tell them the truth, they turn around and lie to our relatives about me. I know this because of the way my relatives respond to me now (and of course, my icy attitude towards them in the past plays a part, so I'm not off the hook entirely in that way).

It is a very difficult dilemma. On the one hand, it is normal and easy to tell the truth, but then you might be placing yourself in harm's way. On the other hand, it is exhausting and nearly impossible to always be on high alert and always invent fake "facts". At least do not beat yourself up over it since it is not that you did something wrong; it is the situation that is so bad.

Hi @Tart Cherry Jam it is a difficult dilemma, definitely! I’m trying not to beat myself up. I read online about ways to address self-sabotage. Some seem easier to do than others:

• Reframe
• Identify the self sabotaging behaviors
• Identify and embrace your strengths
• Pause
• Know yourself
• Practice wise mind
• Practice self-acceptance
• Make small changes
• Create a plan to address the self sabotage behaviors that is realistic

Dr. Judy Ho wrote a book “Stop Self Sabotage” that explains self-sabotage happens when our values and our behavior’s values are misaligned. That self-sabotage is a biological response when we feel afraid. We do something that doesn’t align with our true nature; i.e. we know what we want to do, but we do the opposite.

Also, Dr. Judy Ho writes in her book that self-sabotage is linked to cognitive dissonance - feelings uncomfortable due to internal contradictions we experience in situations, like mine at the Christmas dinner. I forced myself to answer truthfully, that wasn’t in line with my beliefs or values - that is, I would have rather lied to protect my privacy and protect my employment (despite complaining about workplace drama in my other thread).

I am going to read her book. She identifies all the self-sabotage patterns that exist:

• Perfectionism
• Moderation
• Running on Empty
• Procrastination
• Lack of Communication

The symptoms of self-sabotage, according to Dr. Judy Ho:

• refusing to ask for help
• controlling or micromanaging behavior
• picking fights with others
• setting unrealistic goals that are too high or too low
• avoidance and withdrawl socially
• negative self-talk and extreme self criticism
• making excuses and shifting blame
• undermining your own goals and values to please others
• substance abuse
• overspending
• overdoing it in general
• constantly needing approval

The one I forgot to add, “reluctance to speak up for yourself.”

There’s a section from the self-sabotage blog that mentions Dr. Judy Ho’s book that applies to stopping self-sabotage at work.

1. Talk to your manager

I tried that. It backfired, per my other thread.

2. Communicate.

I did speak up to both attorneys when I felt i needed more support and while they did listen, I was super triggered when I overheard the female attorney contradict every positive thing she’d said to me in a private meeting the day before when she was gossiping about me with her supervisor - another partner in the law firm.

3. Take a chance

I did take a chance at the law firm, going to one of the older founding partners to ask for support with the gossipy female attorney whom I work for. I didn’t let my inner critic talk me out of seeking support because I like the work that i do. But the meeting didn’t go the way I had hoped bc I got gaslit and bulldozed psychologically for speaking up. Basically, I felt retaliated against for calling out the toxic behavior of the two female attorneys who gossiped about me. That taught me that I’m not allowed to have my boundaries respected at this law firm, no matter how much I enjoy the work.

I don’t now how I’m supposed to put my own values first in a toxic work environment. I can definitely watch out for and identify red flags at work. And, I can continue to work on myself (as everyone here suggested - stop beating myself up for giving a normal response that contradicted my internal values of lying to protect myself, i.e. self preservation). I shouldn’t have to lie. Even if I had lied and given my brother in law a fake law firm name, he would still not respect me anyway. Esp. if I posted the law firm name on my LinkedIn profile. I want to post it, but again, my self-sabotage inner critic says, “don’t do it! You’ll open yourself up to trouble.”

Thank you for such a detailed summary of Dr Judy Ho's work. It happens to me that I do the opposite of what I want to do with my time and I will see if my local public library has this book to lend.

Regarding LinkedIn. You are looking for a new job. It is a tricky situation. If you post your current job with such a short tenure, it will look suspicious that you are seeking change so early in the game. But if you do not post it, there might be a hole in the career chronology. I do not know what is worse here. In general, how do you plan to explain to potential new employers that you are seeking change? Or can you say that this is a temp job and that your contract's term will soon run out?

It is a job seeking dilemma with my LinkedIn profile. I am going to tell prospective employers that Im just rideshare driving and not employed anywhere else. If I tell them its a temp job, they’ll want to speak to the recruiter for a reference. I can give them the previous legal temp job I had and give them that recruiter’s name and contact information. Either way I’m in a tough spot I believe. I just have to hang on to this job as long as possible.