2020(done)4

I don't think I can handle another year of this shyt.

I made the mistake of going to my dad's on my ride home yesterday and, yeah, I'm totally expecting that "He OD'd and died" phone call as he has a shyt ton of (probably fentanyl laced) tramadol and alcohol around the house.

And I'm super frustrated because my mom doesn't want me to visit her but Lu (cat) is dying. She's deaf and blind from hyperthyroidism, 21 years old, and weighs like 5lbs right now. Lu was my grandma's cat before g-ma died, and I was super close to my grandma as she was the only one growing up who never terrified the living crap out of me at some point and until she got sick she practically raised me so that's a connection i'm going to lose completely without the opportunity to revisit soon.

And I'm waiting to hear back from this eating disorder inpatient place. I have a feeling I won't get in and since my IEA ended I've been binging like crazy and I've purged so much that I literally physically can'tt this point because it's all fking blood. Has tha t stopped me from binging? No. I gained like 10lbs over the past few days and I legit want to die because I feel so fat and disgusting. Reason I think I won't get in is because I just got out of an IEA where they medically stabilized me so I probably don't need it as much as other people and they don't know about the crap ton of blood coming out every time I puke because that wasn't happening as much when i had my intake evaluation.

And I still haven't found sober living or a residential to FINALLY have a safe place to stay and get support.

How am I supposed to have hope?

Stop going to your father's house if there is anything laced with fentanyl in the house. You can be exposed to it easily.

Your inability to see your cat is (if I recall) a boundary your mother put in place because of behavior you were exhibiting while you were still living with her. I'm sorry your cat is so sick, but you not being able to see the cat is a consequence of choices you made.

I hope you get into a treatment center or a sober living soon.

Well, my mom let me see the cat walk around for 8 hours bumping into shyt and try to keep going, show early seizure signs, nearly fall down the stairs/off the couch, and almost hanging herself multiple times without letting me take her to the vet until she got home. Then suddenly she appreciated me being there, alone, to watch her all day and for someone to ensure putting her down was the right choice. RIP Lu.

I don't care if I'm exposed to fentanyl. I've taken it before and it doesn't seem like it'd be a bad way to go. Better than half my impulsive sui plans/attempts (like the one I had three days ago).

Sober living is a 1-2 year wait, as is the residential I got accepted into. Didn't "meet criteria" for the eating disorder IP. "Need a higher level of care" than PHP. Insurance doesn't cover any local residentials... so I guess no ED treatment for me until I die or close.