Double whammy today

So, today is my 53rd birthday. I posted on Facebook that I was happy to make it to 53..

I posted that it was my birthday on FB to a group I belong to and everyone in the group posted birthday wishes. That made me feel better despite being from strangers.

When I got to my job, there were 2 cupcakes from the firm administrator and 2 of the paralegals wished me a happy birthday, as did 2 of the attorneys. That was nice. I ate one cupcake, and gave the 2nd cupcake to the other legal assistant as a "congratulations on your 30 days here" gesture. She appreciated that.

Here comes the double whammy part.

Then, my mom's best friend texted my sister and I that she arranged a mass in our mom's memory on the one year anniversary of our mom's death. I got the day off of work. My sister's text was a LIE (prob to cover her contempt for our mom or her insecurity, or her immaturity), "I have to see if I can get coverage. Thanks for arranging that mass." WTF. This is our mother. Who responds so callously? I get it. She hates my guts. Our brother hates my guts. Those two have always been in cahoots with each other and don't include me on their family vacations together, etc. I'm a stranger they are related to. I get it.

I don't know why I feel insulted. I feel like my sister's tepid response was due to her inability to be transparent, and be emotionally mature.

The double whammy is:

1) Today is my birthday.
2) My mom's friend texted me that she arranged for a mass in my mom's memory which I got the day off of work to attend (and my two siblings couldn't get two ****s about going to, b/c they despise me and prob b/c they just don't care as much as I do). Maybe I am emotionally immature for not recognizing that they are allowed to feel the way that they do, act they way that they act, and whether or not it has anything to do with me, is moot and I need to let it go. I can see that. But I'm still mad as hell at these two idiots who are my siblings. We had one mother. Imperfect. But for them to be such assholes and so dismissive shows me how disrespectful they truly are to our mother's memory.

Maybe I'm wrong to be upset. I don't know. I just can't believe I will be the only family member at our mother's memorial mass that is just for HER.

1. Happy Birthday! Another 365 days is an accomplishment! 2. I feel bad that the whammy has doubled down on ya. 3. You are emotionally mature. 4. You have value. 5. You are worthy. 6. Trust in your beliefs, and don't worry about what others do or do not. Use your energy to do what your heart guides you to do. (That's what I do).

First thing.... Happy Birthday.

Second, I am sorry about what you dealing with concerning the mother's mass issue. Without getting into too much detail, I can relate. We had a mass in my father's memory a few years ago. My sister didn't like me being there as she felt I was intruding (long story). It was awkward and was a contributing factor why I cut her out of my life. Things were heading that way anyway but this was confirmation that my sister was/is a selfish baby. I'm not suggesting you cut ties with your siblings. That's your decision. I'm just stating I'm glad I was bold enough to stand up to her and told her to leave me and my family alone forever. She didn't like it but I have zero regrets.

Thank you, @speckofdust! I do feel like another year being alive is an accomplishment. DoesnÂ’t matter what happens. IÂ’m alive. ThatÂ’s pretty great in itself.

Am I emotionally mature, though? I rant a lot on here about my family and get ruffled when people call me out on what I contribute (as they should, b/c I do) to my toxic family system. Why am I so triggered by my siblings apparent disinterest in celebrating our motherÂ’s life together despite the disparity between us as siblings? Why does that irritate me so much? I feel like they both blame ME for everything since IÂ’m the oldest. But they arenÂ’t exempt either. I did a lot for them both over the years without being asked, without expectations, because I liked them and wanted to help them.

I got my brother his first book publicist, and a book deal with a book publisher and radio interviews. I helped him because I wanted to. I helped my sister mend fences with her best friend from high school. I drove to another city at 4 a.m. to be the sober driver to their drunk friend who got a DWI and needed a ride home at 4 am. when the police released him. A ***** doesnÂ’t do nice things like that for people she doesnÂ’t like.

So, why do these two people hate me so much? TheyÂ’ve never clearly explained that part to me. And, I have a hard time letting go of needing to knowÂ…because theyÂ’ve each had over 40 years to tell me and either I didnÂ’t understand, or they didnÂ’t actually tell me? I donÂ’t know.

I do have value. I do have worth. I am finally starting to believe and accept that. When my mother died, literally NO ONE IÂ’ve known for years offered me condolences. One friend blew me off. Another friend ranted to her mother about their toxic relationship in front of me, while I visited her from out of town at her invitationÂ…and ignored the fact that she knew IÂ’d just had my mother pass away. I deserve to be cared for by others. I deserve to be valued by others too, not just value myself. Does that make sense?

I do need to let go and trust in myself more. When I’m vulnerable with others, they HATE that quality of mine and quickly dismiss my value and worth. I’m not needy per se. I don’t need people to call or text me constantly. That part is hard for me — self trust. Even if I 100% trust myself…people still don’t invest their time in a friendship with me. I can’t waste anymore valuable time analyzing why. I’ll never know if they don’t tell me. And, I’m certainly not going to ask them. Why bother?

Thank you, @Revenge Tour. IÂ’m glad to read that you can relate due to your own situation with your father passing away and your sister being a selfish baby about it. IÂ’m proud that you were bold enough to stand up to her and told her to leave you and your family alone forever. Good for you. I can see why she didnÂ’t like your rejection (I donÂ’t like my siblings rejection of me, either). But you have good reason.

I have stood up to my sister before and I always post about those experiences here. What makes me a hypocrite though, is that I KNOW IÂ’m investing emotionally in a non-existent relationship. Someone here pointed it out to me, and this year is the first time I actually agree because I have been doing so for 25 years.

So, itÂ’s a very one-sided relationship that I deluded myself into thinking was 2 sided. Sometimes it seems two-sided but I guess itÂ’s not? Otherwise, sheÂ’d start calling me on her own volition, to ask how IÂ’m doing or ask me to hang out. She only used to call me when she needed something (like help her repair her friendship or be the sober driver for her husbandÂ’s drunkard friend). Maybe I did those things because of my toxic people pleasing and codependency. Because I thought I was proving my worth to her, to her husband. But I learned that I canÂ’t prove my worth to themÂ…or to anyone. If someone thinks IÂ’m unworthy, nothing I do will convince them to change their mind. ThatÂ’s a hard pill to swallow. IÂ’m embarassed for wasitng so much time. IÂ’m 53 now. What do I do with myself?

That's easy. Go out and live your life. Life is too short to second-guess yourself and trying to enhance relationships that clearly aren't there. You'll see how much time you wasted and can make better decisions about what to do with that time.

I agree. Life is too short, @Revenge Tour to second-guess myself and try to enhance relationships that clearly aren't there. But I've done that since I was 21 and I'm 53 now. That's 32 years wasted that I'll never get back. I'm mad at myself for that wastefulness. If I'd invested the past 32 years in myself, my life would likely be 100% different.

Happy Birthday!

Thanks @Molinit!

Here's the good news.... you're still young!!!! At 53, you have a LOT left in the tank. Make the best of it.

These are the lyrics from my favorite Iron Maiden song, Wasted Years. This is pure poetry and sound advice in my opinion:

From the coast of gold, across the seven seas
Travelin' on, far and wide
But now it seems I'm just a stranger to myself
And all the things I sometimes do, it isn't me but someone else

I close my eyes and I think of home
Another city goes by in the night
Ain't it funny how it is? You never miss it til' it's gone away
And my heart is lying there, will be 'til my dying day, Adrian!

So understand
Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years
Face up, make your stand
Realize you're living in the golden years

Too much time on my hands, I got you on my mind
Can't ease this pain so easily
When you can't find the words to say, hard to make it through another day
And it makes me wanna cry, throw my hands up to the sky

So understand
Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years
Face up, make your stand
Realize you're living in the golden years, hey!

So understand, Adrian!
Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years
Face up, make your stand
Realize you're living in the golden years

So understand
Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years
Face up, make your stand
Realize you're living in the golden years, hey!

Happy Birthday!
Isn’t it frustrating that family is supposed to be your biggest support system and they often aren’t at all. They are often source of the biggest stress

Thank you so much for sharing these pertinent lyrics @Revenge Tour. I love poetry and these song lyrics definitely are! These lyrics are great life advice! They hit home b/c they describe my exact situation right now! To the T.

Thank you @divine1966! Yes, it's very frustrating! And they are a HUGE source of stress for me. I'm lonely every day I think about my siblings and cousins who live in my city, who never reach out to me. Still radio silence from the holiday cards that I mailed out. Pfft. Moving on. I tried. At least I tried. No more.

So true.

There are other bizarre stress inducing situations with families. Just as I was reading on the forum I am getting barrage of crazy messages on a family group text. For whatever crazy reason there are some people on a chat who aren’t even our family per se but are worshipped by my dad. I can’t even. I can write a book. You don’t know what’s better. No contact or this craziness.

Moving on is probably wise. You tried. You did your part. No need to stress out if they aren’t interested. Their loss

Happy birthday! I recently turned 53, too, and so far have been greatly enjoyed being this age .

Wow. You are lucky that you’re included on a family group text. How do you respond? Why is your dad so worshipped? Is he the hero role in your family? How does that even happen - friends and neighbors join a family group chat? I would love to read your book. You have a lot of great insights.

Everything I read tells me that I was given my role as the family blacksheep. That it serves a function in dysfunctional family systems.

Happy Birthday @Tart Cherry Jam!

No my dad isn’t worshipped. He’s periodically worshipping random people or distant relatives whom he perceives to be somehow special.

No these people are family, they are my nephew’s in-laws. But they aren’t immediate family so some stuff some people post aren’t for their ears. Uncomfortable. Like he wants to argue with me and my brother or something and includes other people. Sometimes he includes some other people. Random.

I’d not say I am lucky. It’s dysfunction and craziness. How do I respond depends on what’s about. I often don’t respond at all depends on level of insanity of what’s being shared. Most of the time it’s too insane to even explain to people

I was feeling super lonely, and other negative things, some very, very negative things. I turned to 9-8-8. Surprisingly, they were of no help! I called them back after getting "disconnected" right as I was spilling my guts, and told them that they were not helpful at all for a person in a crisis situation - the very definition of a crisis line. I told my T about it, also. I wrote a song about it. Anyway, I found that if one is feeling extremely lonely, it's best to have a Plan B and a Plan C for who you are going to reach out to if your situation is occurring "outside of normal business hours." There is a service called WARM, but every resource that was on the list in my state was open from 8:30-9am until 9 or 10pm, only.