Constantly triggered

Ok, another incident occurred, but this time, with an old childhood girlfriend that I reconnected with a year ago on Facebook after 35+ years. Back then, she and I became best friends in junior high school. We went our separate ways after we moved onto high school. We attended different schools, and then we totally lost touch after that.

Well, she reappeared on Facebook last year and we reconnected. We got together only twice, once for lunch and once for kayaking. The lunch we had was more of a cocktail and catch up lunch that went on for several hours.

She had married and was amidst divorcing a narcissist at the time. At lunch, I was astounded at the completely different person in front of me. In junior high school, this girl had been a rock star- a straight A student and star athlete - to boot, she was very beautiful and seemed to have it all. BUT, the adult woman 35+ years later sitting in front of me at lunch was a sad mess of a person with obvious low self esteem. She was dating toxic men through her divorce, and couldn't see the toxicity when I pointed it out to her.

Anyways, I attempted other get togethers with her, and she would confirm then canceled multiple times, so we only had those 2 times together, then she disappeared for the next year.

Fast forward to this past summer - she resurfaces and contacts me out of the blue, wanting to get together for any local music show. I attempted multiple times to invite her with me, but she declined every time.

Fast forward to end of the summer - her schedule finanlly allowed us to get together for a lunch, cocktails, and catch-up time this past weekend. We agreed to meet on Sat.

Well, I came down with horrible laryngitis, and had to cancel plans with her kind of last minute on Friday. She had done that to me multiple times last year, so I figured she would understand.

I did have other Labor Day weekend plans that I kept despite my condition of laryngitis. I canceled with her in knowing that sitting at a lunch drinking cocktails with her would likely turn into yet another 3-4 hour talking fest, which would strain my voice and probably make me lose it even more. I kept my other plans, however.

So Labor Day weekend I saw a couple of different bands and I drove to Maine to see a girlfriend from college, the one I wrote about above. Yes, my voice was still hoarse and strained,. but she and I had made this plan several weeks ago, and I didn't want to cancel on her. We also hadn't seen each other in several years.

Well, so I did post photos of my weekend on Facebook - of the 2 bands I saw and of my friend and I at the beach in Maine.

So, this childhood girlfriend saw my Facebook posts, and thought that I must have lied to her about my laryngitis. So, she wrote the most snarky, sarcastic and passive aggressive comment on one of my posts. I replied and explained myself. Then I texted her individually to follow up privately with her about it.

She did not reply until later that evening. I confronted her on her Facebook comment, telling her that to me, it sounded very snarky, very sarcastic and passive aggressive, and asked if that was how she meant it to be. She replied with, well you had plenty of room for other plans this weekend. So, that confirmed to me that yes, her comment on my facebook post was meant exactly as I had interpreted it.

I promptly reacted and told her that I don't need more toxic people and toxic crap in my life, that I did not deserve that kind of comment, I said take care, and then I blocked her.

Oh, and before that had occurred, I had sent her a voice recording of just how bad my laryngitis is.

So now the next morning, I am seething from this latest experience with yet another toxic person.

I am just so done. I have had it with these types of f'ed up people that come into my life. F*uk it and F *uk them. F*uk her while I am at it. I am just plain DONE.

The more I explore and venture on my own trying to make new friends, the more I see just how many people in this world are toxic. And it's totally freaking me out.

Sorry to hear about those interactions, it sounds difficult.

You’ve probably had way more experience of narcissistic personalities than me, but I read this article about covert narcissism:

Covert Narcissist: Signs, Causes, and How to Respond

It can be more subtle apparently. Of course narcissistic behaviour can be a trauma response, in the case of your friend who experienced narcissistic abuse herself, although that’s not necessarily the case of course.

You couldn't... be wearing toxic-colored glasses or something like that, could you?

Thank you, dear. I’ve read Grey rock is the best response to narcs. It’s feasible this gf has a trauma response and likely does if she was abused by her narc ex husband. Then again, maybe she’s the narc and is projecting that diagnosis onto him. That’s feasible too! Lol. What I do know is her behavior reminds me of a narc, and raised alarm bells.

No. I see a lot of toxic people in this world. And there are.

I’m pretty much astounded by people’s poor behavior. My boss totally micromanages all my written communications at work. I had to teach and coach her on the industry/ my field and she likely wants some sense of control over me. It’s annoying af. Today I stood up for myself in the face of it. I couldn’t take anymore.

Ugh. I’m really starting to dislike the human race altogether.

I am becoming seriously unhappy. The only living things right now that I feel happiness and joy with are my cat, nature, the few close friends I have, the new friends I did make this year who are nice to me, my sister and my mom. All other people suck. I am so done.

I’m maybe the wrong person to comment on this but I do keep my world pretty close to me these days, family, couple of dear friends. Sure, have more friends but keep expectations down, a lot of people are almost entirely self motivated in my experience- even the otherwise nice ones, in fact I think our cultures encourage it. That’s my take. Maybe I’m pessimistic, some might say, I feel I’m more realistic.

Nothing wrong in keeping your world a bit smaller for a while, nurture who and what you have true connections with. Just my take.

Hi @Discombobulated, and thank you for your post!

I am of a similar mindset as you. To expand even further, we have entered into a world of rising technology, social media, and now AI. There are more scammers than ever before, and the rise of the Internet and technology have created this. Mean people and bullies hide behind their computers, while lashing out and projecting all their anger and rage onto innocent nice people.

I see this as only getting worse as AI takes over. I am certainly now far more cautious and deliberate than I've ever been when it comes to confiding in people and/or befriending new people I come across.

I want to hold my loved ones tight and close to me, and distance from all those who do not have my best interests at heart.

My girlfriend in Maine the other day really took me by surprise with her behavior towards me.

And when I reached out to a mutual college girlfriend of ours and told her of my experience with this girlfriend in Maine who had been prickly with me? Our mutual friend's response was nearly as surprising to me - she told me "well, she's not that way with me". So, I replied telling her that this statement only just serves to make me feel incredibly low and bad, and I told her that this is exactly what she does to me. Her response to me next was a gaslighting reply. She wrote "sorry you feel that way". I've researched this kind of reply, and it's toxic- it's a non-apology that deflects all responsibility, and is a very typical narc response.

This particular other college girlfriend I have suspected as being a narcissist, for some time now, without full validation yet. She has an air of superiority ALWAYS, and speaks to me as though I am 5 years old and that she must educate me about the ways of the world. And I do. know she is deeply insecure.. like DEEPLY. So I think she overcompensates and always has to be the superior one.

So, after her gaslighting comment, it sealed the deal for me, and I determined that she, too, is toxic for me.

This now equates to FIVE toxic women in FOUR months that I've determined I must sever relations with.

Even my college friend in Maine I would say is toxic. At least her behavior towards me was toxic the other day.

She is dealing with a narcissist husband, so I know from personal experience that the toxicity of that relationship dynamic can unknowingly seep inside and then express itself outwardly towards others. I am sure she doesn't mean to do this, but it's how the toxic marriage is expressing itself through her.

And my other college gf who gaslit me? GOODBYE. I decided I am DONE with her.

Sorry, I did not mean to unload, and I guess I just did! LOL.

Thank you again for your reply and input.. greatly appreciated.

I’m struggling. I’m sad I had to let go of two long- term college friendships. Even though it’s for the sake of my health and happiness, I’m grieving the loss. I’ve had to deal with so much loss over the last two years. A divorce, my father died, friends have died, and now losing nearly lifelong friendships. I’ve gained friends too, don’t get me wrong. I’ve met some amazing new people who have become my friends. But the losses are profound and I’m feeling them today. Funny thing is, with each loss I’m regaining myself. Except for friends who have passed away.

Now it's letting go just ONE long-term college friendship. The woman I met up with in Maine last week finally got a hold of me last night, so we had a nice long facetime chat. It helped!!! We were able to cover a lot of ground, I apologized for my reaction, and we're still friends even though I had to cut our other mutual college girlfriend loose. She was so kind and so understanding. I have a newfound respect and appreciation for her.

I just found out my ex husband is dating someone, and it's triggering me badly. So bad, I couldn't sleep last night and drank too much.

I don't know why I should even care - I mean, he is a horrible person, and he was an awful husband.

I guess what's bugging me most is I don't have anyone special in my life, my ex lives 3 streets away from me and can tell that no other car (a male's car) is in my driveway, and I feel far too damaged to date right now.

I am a mess after my marriage and after dating similar types of men through my divorce. I feel like I have a sign on my forehead that says "if you're toxic, come to me!"

I spend a lot of time alone, and I do a lot of things alone. Sometimes I get lonely, yes, but I am more so depressed about what I had to go through in my marriage to that ape of a man - who yelled at me, berated me, humiliated and demeaned me, insulted me, cheated on me, the list goes on on and on. And here he is, moving on, posting loving pics of him and his new woman on Facebook, and here I am, alone and just getting by.

I am angry that he gets to move on and I feel I am too damaged by him to move on. It's not fair at all. I am a good person, with a good and kind heart. He is a bully. I feel like in my case, the bully wins. He gets to watch my home whenever he likes to and he moves on, while I suffer silently.

He doesn't know I am suffering, although I almost left a note on his windshield last night with our wedding rings, which would have let him know how much I am suffering. I am glad my best girlfriend talked me out of it and I went back and removed the note and rings.

UGH. Life is SO unfair. I am really hurting right now.

That’s good your friend talked you out of leaving the rings and note. That’s tough he’s so close by, and understandable it’s hampering your desire to be free of him.

Although it might be worth challenging your perception of him doing better because he’s dating, you have no way of knowing if he’s happy, and from what you’ve written here I doubt long term he’s going to have the ability to have a mature relationship.

It is good she talked me out of it, thank goodness. The one thing I have going for me is that he knows nothing about my life (aside from being able to drive by my home) since March/April. I threatened a restraining order then because he was showing up uninvited to my home several times. That was my last communication with him. So he knows nothing of my life. And that’s empowering for me. The rub with him dating is she has dark hair and dark eyes, just his type and preference, he told me once. I have dark eyes and dirty blonde hair so that comment always made me feel insecure with him. Now he’s “dated up” and I’m sure he’s gloating about it and hopes to run into me with her to shove it in my face. I suspect this is the revenge relationship for that reason. I wouldn’t put it past him at all to seek revenge on me for leaving him and divorcing him. He’s vindictive and vengeful, I know from first hand experience. So that’s the trigger and the rub for me with her. He found just his type to flaunt in my face, and that stings like you wouldn’t believe. The fact that he would still want to hurt me, hurts. It’s a knife in my chest. I’m still so triggered.. how do I get past it? Sure, he won’t treat her well either, I’m convinced. But that doesn’t help me to feel better right now,. I don’t think he’s working either so I’m
Sure he mooching off her financially, just as he did with me.

If you’re right about revenge relationship then I feel extremely sorry for her. However, I think for you the healthiest path will not to give him rent room in your head if that makes sense.

And I bet your dirty blonde hair is fabulous.

Aw, thanks. My hair is thinning, LOL. I'm 54 so it's a bit thinner than it used to be! Oh well.

I am guessing she will go through something similar as I did - with all the control, domination, insults, demeaning comments, the yelling.... he won't change. It's only a matter of time.

I will try hard not to think about it anymore, though that may be difficult because he lives so close by.

I drank for 3 nights to "get over it". I called multiple psychics to "get over it". They all pretty much said the same things: that their relationship will turn toxic too.

Apparently he got fired in July. I saw his LinkedIn profile recently, and his last job ended in July, with no new job listed. 3 psychics confirmed he got fired.

I also heard through a friend that he was in the hospital again recently. Last fall he was in the hospital for pneumonia, and he also had a prostate cancer scare. In the spring, I knew he was wearing a heart monitor because of heart palpitations. And now he was just in the hospital -for what I don't know. His health is basically not good and he is unemployed, yet he still managed to secure a beautiful new girlfriend?!?

One psychic said yes, this is a revenge relationship for him. Revenge on me for leaving him. I knew it. I sensed it. I am highly intuitive and felt this was the situation. A psychic confirmed it.

I can't believe how much this has thrown me off - I've been suffering since I learned about it on Tue, the day after I had just had a wonderful birthday celebration.

I guess it's partially ego - my ego - I always want my ex abusers to suffer after I've left them... I always want them to feel they lost the best thing they've ever had and to suffer the loss.

That's me being vengeful. I do have a vengeful and vindictive side to me - I want justice, really, at the heart of it all - justice for the unjust ways I've been treated.

I am praying right now to God to bring justice and to right all the wrongs in my life.

I think also I am still angry for the way I was treated in my marriage. Man, it was just SO freaking TOXIC. The knock down drag out fights he would constantly instigate with me - over any innocent comment I made - one time it was over a hair brush! Another time it was about the temperature setting on the A/C unit! Anything minor would set him off and would ruin the entire day, causing a fight that would last for hours. He used to chase me around the home, yelling at me, while I would try to escape from him. What a nightmare!

He wasn't supposed to be able to obtain a beautiful girlfriend. And she is quite stunning. He was supposed to only be able to find unattractive women - far less attractive than myself.

Maybe his new woman isn't a nice person - a couple psychics told me she isn't the nicest and can be very manipulative herself. Ha.

I know the best revenge is to live the best life I can - and I am trying to. But this is still eating me up right now. It's gnawing at me. I go to bed thinking about it and I wake up thinking about it. I have to get my ex out of my head!

How do I do that?

What strategies have you tried to challenge your thoughts about your ex?

I know I am romanticizing him a bit due to emotional and physical distance. What helps is that I re-read my lists of all the horrifying crap he pulled on me and it helps to snap me out of it in the moment. Maybe I just need to get busy and occupy my mind with other thoughts, somehow.

I must be an emotional cutter. I am stalking her page and his page for updates on them.

I am fantasizing what I would say to them if I ran into them in town. It goes something like this:

Me to her:

"Hi, I am NAME"s second ex wife - it's so nice to meet you - what is your name? Did you know that he moved within a quarter of a mile from where I live only last April, and that he stalked me for a year post divorce, showing up at my home multiple times uninvited and unnanounced, trying to win me back over?"

Me to him:

"Your obvious attempt at a revenge relationship doesn't work on me, and is quite pathetic. If you recall, I left and divorced YOU. It wasn't the other way around. I've long been over it and have been dating for the last year and a half, so your transparent attempt at revenge fails miserably - As I've stated many times, I am far happier without you!"

Me to her:

"Really nice to have met you, and GOOD LUCK with this one. You have a man-child on your hands and a massive project. Watch yourself!"

"Bye!"

And I skip happily away.