Constantly triggered

Now it's letting go just ONE long-term college friendship. The woman I met up with in Maine last week finally got a hold of me last night, so we had a nice long facetime chat. It helped!!! We were able to cover a lot of ground, I apologized for my reaction, and we're still friends even though I had to cut our other mutual college girlfriend loose. She was so kind and so understanding. I have a newfound respect and appreciation for her.

I just found out my ex husband is dating someone, and it's triggering me badly. So bad, I couldn't sleep last night and drank too much.

I don't know why I should even care - I mean, he is a horrible person, and he was an awful husband.

I guess what's bugging me most is I don't have anyone special in my life, my ex lives 3 streets away from me and can tell that no other car (a male's car) is in my driveway, and I feel far too damaged to date right now.

I am a mess after my marriage and after dating similar types of men through my divorce. I feel like I have a sign on my forehead that says "if you're toxic, come to me!"

I spend a lot of time alone, and I do a lot of things alone. Sometimes I get lonely, yes, but I am more so depressed about what I had to go through in my marriage to that ape of a man - who yelled at me, berated me, humiliated and demeaned me, insulted me, cheated on me, the list goes on on and on. And here he is, moving on, posting loving pics of him and his new woman on Facebook, and here I am, alone and just getting by.

I am angry that he gets to move on and I feel I am too damaged by him to move on. It's not fair at all. I am a good person, with a good and kind heart. He is a bully. I feel like in my case, the bully wins. He gets to watch my home whenever he likes to and he moves on, while I suffer silently.

He doesn't know I am suffering, although I almost left a note on his windshield last night with our wedding rings, which would have let him know how much I am suffering. I am glad my best girlfriend talked me out of it and I went back and removed the note and rings.

UGH. Life is SO unfair. I am really hurting right now.

That’s good your friend talked you out of leaving the rings and note. That’s tough he’s so close by, and understandable it’s hampering your desire to be free of him.

Although it might be worth challenging your perception of him doing better because he’s dating, you have no way of knowing if he’s happy, and from what you’ve written here I doubt long term he’s going to have the ability to have a mature relationship.

It is good she talked me out of it, thank goodness. The one thing I have going for me is that he knows nothing about my life (aside from being able to drive by my home) since March/April. I threatened a restraining order then because he was showing up uninvited to my home several times. That was my last communication with him. So he knows nothing of my life. And that’s empowering for me. The rub with him dating is she has dark hair and dark eyes, just his type and preference, he told me once. I have dark eyes and dirty blonde hair so that comment always made me feel insecure with him. Now he’s “dated up” and I’m sure he’s gloating about it and hopes to run into me with her to shove it in my face. I suspect this is the revenge relationship for that reason. I wouldn’t put it past him at all to seek revenge on me for leaving him and divorcing him. He’s vindictive and vengeful, I know from first hand experience. So that’s the trigger and the rub for me with her. He found just his type to flaunt in my face, and that stings like you wouldn’t believe. The fact that he would still want to hurt me, hurts. It’s a knife in my chest. I’m still so triggered.. how do I get past it? Sure, he won’t treat her well either, I’m convinced. But that doesn’t help me to feel better right now,. I don’t think he’s working either so I’m
Sure he mooching off her financially, just as he did with me.

If you’re right about revenge relationship then I feel extremely sorry for her. However, I think for you the healthiest path will not to give him rent room in your head if that makes sense.

And I bet your dirty blonde hair is fabulous.

Aw, thanks. My hair is thinning, LOL. I'm 54 so it's a bit thinner than it used to be! Oh well.

I am guessing she will go through something similar as I did - with all the control, domination, insults, demeaning comments, the yelling.... he won't change. It's only a matter of time.

I will try hard not to think about it anymore, though that may be difficult because he lives so close by.

I drank for 3 nights to "get over it". I called multiple psychics to "get over it". They all pretty much said the same things: that their relationship will turn toxic too.

Apparently he got fired in July. I saw his LinkedIn profile recently, and his last job ended in July, with no new job listed. 3 psychics confirmed he got fired.

I also heard through a friend that he was in the hospital again recently. Last fall he was in the hospital for pneumonia, and he also had a prostate cancer scare. In the spring, I knew he was wearing a heart monitor because of heart palpitations. And now he was just in the hospital -for what I don't know. His health is basically not good and he is unemployed, yet he still managed to secure a beautiful new girlfriend?!?

One psychic said yes, this is a revenge relationship for him. Revenge on me for leaving him. I knew it. I sensed it. I am highly intuitive and felt this was the situation. A psychic confirmed it.

I can't believe how much this has thrown me off - I've been suffering since I learned about it on Tue, the day after I had just had a wonderful birthday celebration.

I guess it's partially ego - my ego - I always want my ex abusers to suffer after I've left them... I always want them to feel they lost the best thing they've ever had and to suffer the loss.

That's me being vengeful. I do have a vengeful and vindictive side to me - I want justice, really, at the heart of it all - justice for the unjust ways I've been treated.

I am praying right now to God to bring justice and to right all the wrongs in my life.

I think also I am still angry for the way I was treated in my marriage. Man, it was just SO freaking TOXIC. The knock down drag out fights he would constantly instigate with me - over any innocent comment I made - one time it was over a hair brush! Another time it was about the temperature setting on the A/C unit! Anything minor would set him off and would ruin the entire day, causing a fight that would last for hours. He used to chase me around the home, yelling at me, while I would try to escape from him. What a nightmare!

He wasn't supposed to be able to obtain a beautiful girlfriend. And she is quite stunning. He was supposed to only be able to find unattractive women - far less attractive than myself.

Maybe his new woman isn't a nice person - a couple psychics told me she isn't the nicest and can be very manipulative herself. Ha.

I know the best revenge is to live the best life I can - and I am trying to. But this is still eating me up right now. It's gnawing at me. I go to bed thinking about it and I wake up thinking about it. I have to get my ex out of my head!

How do I do that?

What strategies have you tried to challenge your thoughts about your ex?

I know I am romanticizing him a bit due to emotional and physical distance. What helps is that I re-read my lists of all the horrifying crap he pulled on me and it helps to snap me out of it in the moment. Maybe I just need to get busy and occupy my mind with other thoughts, somehow.

I must be an emotional cutter. I am stalking her page and his page for updates on them.

I am fantasizing what I would say to them if I ran into them in town. It goes something like this:

Me to her:

"Hi, I am NAME"s second ex wife - it's so nice to meet you - what is your name? Did you know that he moved within a quarter of a mile from where I live only last April, and that he stalked me for a year post divorce, showing up at my home multiple times uninvited and unnanounced, trying to win me back over?"

Me to him:

"Your obvious attempt at a revenge relationship doesn't work on me, and is quite pathetic. If you recall, I left and divorced YOU. It wasn't the other way around. I've long been over it and have been dating for the last year and a half, so your transparent attempt at revenge fails miserably - As I've stated many times, I am far happier without you!"

Me to her:

"Really nice to have met you, and GOOD LUCK with this one. You have a man-child on your hands and a massive project. Watch yourself!"

"Bye!"

And I skip happily away.

It’s not for me to tell you what to do HH but I’d urge you to explore how you feel within yourself after looking at their social media? Do you feel better or worse? If the answer is worse (I’m going to guess it may be) then staying away from their pages at least or possibly even social media altogether might be a good idea. What do you feel?

I feel it's best and healthiest NOT to look -

admittedly and sheepishly I can say it's very compulsive and obsessive on my part - I know it's not a good idea -

but I want to see if he looks happy. And he hasn't posted ANY public pics of them on HIS profile, only SHE is posting pics public photos of them.

What I also find to be interesting is he changed his background image yesterday, and it's a photo that he had taken when he was with me, of a flower garden when we picked sunflowers together. What does THAT say?

Not only THAT, but photos of us together are still up on his profile, in his profile photos section - like 4 of them. So that's interesting too. Why hasn't he removed them?

Please just humor me for a moment - what do you think all of these things mean or say?

I posted on my facebook abuse support group about it. They all basically said to not let my emotions get the best of me, to hold my head high, and to ignore him/them if I run into them in town. It's so freaking hard. I feel he is still abusing me, even a year and a half after our divorce, by moving so close to me and by being able to keep a close eye on me. It's so very triggering. I cannot help my anxieties when they come up. I still want to confront him in front of her about moving into my neighborhood. It's sooooo hard not to want to do that.

I'm so vengeful. I made "public" so he can see all my happy posts since our divorce. I want him to believe I am living the best life without him.

I hope you really can live your best life, not that someone else will think you’re living it. I think when you work towards that best life even just the process of it will lighten your mind.

If you focus on your ex and his gf it will take so much energy from you and the life you could be working on.

I know you're right. Ever since he moved closer to me, I cannot shake him from my mind. Thoughts of him are intrusive and invade my space. I was doing sooo much better during the year after our divorce, and before he moved close to me. Now it feels nearly impossible to shake thoughts of him from my mind.

He did this on purpose. It was revenge. And he got his revenge alright. I am not living my best life - I am still living in the nightmare of him - I am reliving the nightmare of him, and he did this to me.

How do I live comfortably, in safety and in peace, with him living right down the street from me, and with him being able to spy on me and my home as he pleases?

It's a prison. I am back in his prison all over again and I cannot escape.

8 more months until I can move - how do I survive 8 more months of this HELL?

That’s a very tough situation, you are physically nearby, the only way you can escape at this time is through your mind. Keeping your focus on things other than him. At least until you can move away.

Is there any sort of project you can apply yourself to? Maybe something you always wanted to do but always put off? I find if I’m physically occupied and my mind is in practical mode I do better.

I did think of volunteering, joining a singing group, and joining an outdoor activities group. I haven't made a move yet, but I think I will. If I don't do something, I'm afraid I may go a bit insane in this awful situation.

Those ideas all sound good, we all need activities to keep us sane HH you’re certainly not alone. It’s time to focus on you and your well-being.

Yes, it is. I am having trouble stopping myself from thinking about them as a couple being right down the street from me.

What is getting me the most is knowing he did this to me on purpose, to steal my happiness and to make me miserable. And it's working. He wins.

Well, there’s another aspect to consider, he hasn’t stopped you accessing mutual support through your good friend you mentioned here. He also is unable to stop you accessing support here at msf. He may have tried a power game but his power really is limited.

That's true - good perspective to have!!! TY.

I am seething so bad right now with anger that my jaw is tensing up and clamping. I feel it running and coursing through my veins.

I want to throw raw eggs on his car... I want to flatten all 4ires, I want to throw objects at him - I want him to fall off the planet. I was going to pay off 10K of my debt with my upcoming bonus. Now, because of him, I have to spend the majority of my work bonus moving and on moving expenses - all because of him moving into my neighborhood. I LOVE where I live, and I LOVE my home! I have all conveniences of the city and the country nearby and I am central to everything. I live close to my mother. I now, I have to move homes, when before he moved into my neighborhood, I had decided I wanted to stay in my current home as long as I can - for many years to come - I love it that much.

I am so freaking bitter. This is NOT fair. It is SO unjust. Not only did he abuse me for 5 years and made my life incredibly stressful, deeply distressing, and hurtful, but now to boot I have to spend 6-7K moving, money that would have paid off a large portion of my debt.

Understand why I want to egg him and flatten his tires? And why I wish him off the planet?

I hope his terrible karma comes back around, as it should.

@Discombobulated I want to thank you for all your support.

You asked me recently if I challenge my thoughts about my ex husband, and that really made me stop and think. I now find myself challenging thoughts of nostalgia or longing, which I've felt recently despite all.

So thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate you.

@Have Hope

Hi Hope! I got a lot to say on this one. I hope you'll hear me out.

First off, thank you for your support in my situation over the years. I really appreciate it, and appreciate you.

My ex wife is a very beautiful woman. You've heard me say that before. You and I are of a similar age. She is a natural beauty and has a face, hair, and figure that would look great on a 35 year old.

People can say "Looks don't matter" but looks matter. We are made in our biology to seek out physically attractive partners.

Who am I? A former farm boy and construction worker, who moved up into a desk job. My oldest is a competitive strength athlete and I'm his coach. I have some visible muscle on me, but also a middle-aged dad bod because I like coffee and burgers a lot.

People have told me my wife picked me because I was the guy who could look after a lot; renovate the house, physical outdoor play with the kids, repair and maintain the vehicles. And if I couldn't, I knew a guy. We need to get the trees trimmed. I know a guy. We need extensive work on one of the cars. I know a guy. We're changing out the heating system in the house? I know a guy. I was also someone who was OK working a lot. She couldn't work? I'll do more. She's sick? I'll take over with the kids completely. She's got special diets? That's not much fun. I'll learn to cook like that.

I'm someone who makes a solid income, but nothing outrageous. I have to plan for Christmas. I don't travel internationally at all. Etc.

Who does a beautiful woman without family responsibilities date after becoming single in her 40's? She dates well. Really, really well.

I can't compete with those guys. I've heard about her trips, the concerts she's travelled to, the cars she's driving now, the big apartment she has, but in court she says she's only making $25k a year.

In my experience..... Quit torturing yourself!

I dream of karma for her, but it might not happen. People who live outside of the accepted rules of decency aren't bound by the same morals as the rest of us.

I dream of telling her dates and her new circle of friends who she really is, but do you think they'd listen? They are birds of a feather, all of them.

Why did your husband follow you around the house arguing about a hairbrush? To get a response. Why did he pick so many issues? To get a response. You gotta quit responding.

Quit trying to out-do him on social media. I'd love to try to do that. But these people have a turtle shell around them. You aren't going to hurt them. You aren't going to trigger introspection. They aren't like us. Your interactions with him, or seeing social media stuff will hurt you so much more than it will ever hurt him. In every interaction, you are more emotionally vulnerable than him.

I said above that I can't compete with the guys and the friends my wife's got now. You know why? Because we are playing different games. I'm playing the game of being happy, finding peace, providing stability for my kids, building a solid future for all of us. She's playing a game of extraction, and so are the people around her.

The guys she's dating now won't love her, but she thinks this is what love is; erratic, exploitative, and transactional. OK.... Go do that. I can't.

Does it HURT to see the woman I loved, my beautiful wife, with these very attractive, accomplished guys? You're effing right it hurts! So, I don't go looking for it, and I sure as heck don't try to compete with it.

My current therapist cut right through all this stuff for me. She said, "You aren't strong enough to interact with her yet. Avoid her. Focus on you until you are stronger. The first steps are, make no room for her in your life. Remove all traces of her from your home. Block all social media interactions with her. Do fulfilling things for you. Spend time and money on things you enjoy and find peace in. Do this until you have enough peace that she doesn't shake you when you see her."

Hope.... You can't compete with him in this stuff. You're playing a different game than him. He's not seeking betterment, or peace, or happiness, or fulfillment. And the thing about toxicity is that it is contagious. It will creep into your life if you interact with him.

RDMercer