Where I Belong

I think I would feel much better, much less angry all the time, and much more grounded if I found my place. My people. I know this sounds crazy, and maybe it is— maybe I’m totally paranoid and simply want to buy into this— but I really wonder if my family is my family after all. For one thing, I’m very different from them in that I’m not academic. I am way more auto-didactic than they are. I'm also more open to others' views, backgrounds, etc. I'm way less reserved and way more volatile than they are too. I also have what everyone in my family calls “exotic eyes” — I’m not offended exactly, but no one else in my family has them. I’m frequently mistaken for being Native American, which I think is flattering, but I can't and won't say I am when I'm not. When I lived in Indy one summer, I went to the Indian Market— everyone, including the Native Americans, kept asking me what tribe I was. lol. I wasn't offended or anything, but I did feel like there was something about me that needed explaining. I still feel that way. My mom, dad, and sis are brown-haired and brown-eyed like me, but only my maternal grandmother had eyes that were shaped remotely like mine (and she was of Irish, not Native American, descent). My mom vehemently swears that she remembers giving birth to me, but mix-ups do occur in hospitals. I took a dna test, and I'll admit the results do match up with my family's ancestry. But something is still off. I don't feel like I fit in. And the thing is, I feel like that everywhere. I think a lot of my anger stems from that. I just want to find my people and my place. My tribe and my home. I have friends, but I don't see them much, and I worry that if I reach out to them, they'll just ignore me, because they've done it before. It's very depressing. And I worry that I'll never find my place. I'll just drift and wander like I always have. **** it.

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That’s not an easy feeling. I could totally understand it. I can relate in some complicated way, don’t want to hijack your thread by explaining

Were you raised in any faith or tradition? Or is there any faith or tradition you might gravitate to and might be interested in adopting? Sometimes that’s the way to feel that everywhere you go, there are other people of your persuasion and just knowing they are there helps to feel more at home even if moved/displaced.

I was raised in the episcopal church— not a bad church, but I didn’t feel a connection to it. My dad and I had a huge battle over me being confirmed when I was thirteen, until even he realized that he wasn’t going to win lol. My religion is pagan (NOT Wiccan, however). I worship my ancestors and the earth as opposed to a god or goddess. Unfortunately, there are not a lot of sites or groups out there for pagans who are not Wiccans, and Wiccans annoy the crap out of me. Many are just as controlling as people in the three major monotheistic religions.

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Would relocating help? Sometimes it does. Small town to large city or vice versa or move states. Moving countries is complicated but sometimes it does the trick.

I grew up surrounded by pagan culture and following some of it due to culture around me (am not a pagan myself). Very familiar with it. Don’t know any pagan groups. I think US population looks at pagans unfavorably. It’s way more accepted in Europe

I’ve thought of relocating— i currently live in the suburbs of Denver, and I’m over it. I’m looking at other locations both in and out of state, but I’d definitely want to visit before I made a final decision.

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I am in Midwest. I honestly think my state is great. It has a bit of everything.

I’ve liked what I’ve experienced of the Midwest.

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In my life experience, I find that "my place" is within me. Not connecting with family ( for any variety of reasons) is more common than you think. Between myself and two brothers, we grew up under the same roof, same parents, and had very similar life experiences in those formative years. But we each have very different accountings on what that environment looked like and how it made us feel. Quality of life has so much to do with how you process events in your life and how you allow things to weigh on you. We're all very different people no matter what shared space (or DNA) we might have in common.

I can definitely agree with your comment that one needs to look inward to find one’s own truth. That being said, one also needs community. As human beings, we need social interaction and a group in which we feel we have a place. That is what I don’t have, and right now, it’s what I need. I’ve done the introspection. It is reassuring to hear you say it’s more common than I might think to not feel like you being in your biological family, however.

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I’ve found tribes of sorts at different times in my life, I felt it with my running club many years ago, that was shared enjoyment of running, I got a lot of camaraderie from that. But I no longer do that now so lost it.

I have it presently in volunteering, the other volunteers aren’t alike but we share the passion for our volunteering and there’s camaraderie there. They aren’t close friends but it does feel like community.

So for me it’s been shared purpose or passion.

That’s interesting about your dna and eye shape, it’s amazing how dna can seemingly skip generations like this.