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indigo1015
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Default Jul 10, 2024 at 12:17 AM
  #1
I知 going home to visit my folks in late August, and I知 starting to realize that I really don稚 want to. I love swimming in the ocean and being with my parents cats, but I honestly don稚 want to be around my parents. I know that sounds awful, but I don稚 think I can take it right now. My mom has become very neurotic recently, and she dumps her emotional baggage on me a lot and asks me what she should do, why this is happening, why she feels this way basically, I知 her therapist. And she already has a therapist, but she says the therapist isn稚 helpful. And knowing my mom like I do, I can say with damn near 100% certainty that it痴 because she doesn稚 work constructively with the therapist. She痴 not great at putting in the work to get better. I致e suggested that she go to a dietician as well to deal with her eating disorder. She痴 been referred to one and she痴 reached out, apparently, so that痴 something. Whether she continues to pursue it is another story. As for my dad, I really can稚 stand him at this point. He tries to boss me around and tell me how to live my life when a) I知 38 ****ing years old, b) he knows nothing about anything outside of his field, and c) he hasn稚 a ******* inkling of what I want and how I want to live my life, nor has he ever tried to find out. He痴 an obnoxious, obtuse, snobby, elitist savant who doesn稚 have a ****ing clue and who looks down on anyone who doesn稚 have a graduate degree. I致e told my mom how I feel, and she says one of two things 1) 展hat can I say? and 2) 滴e DOES love you BOTH of which are really wearing thin on me at this point. Whether or not he loves me is not the issue I KNOW he loves me. Or at least, he loves me as best he can. The issue is that he痴 a flaming idiot. Ugh. And I simply don稚 know how I知 going to handle being around both of them and their unique brands of crazy for six days without losing my temper. I can稚 avoid them when I知 staying in their house. I just worry that things will be said probably by me, and almost certainly with a lot of cussing.

Also, I can稚 believe I致e posted two threads on here in one night.

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Default Jul 10, 2024 at 07:54 AM
  #2
I hear you. No fun. I have extremely difficult father. My mother wasn稚 difficult, she was an Enabler, but she passed away.

Mine lives near by and is a hoarder and I am currently cleaning out his house because it became a hazard. He痴 getting old but is still extremely sharp mentally.

Few years back, I think I was about your age, my parents had to stay in my house for 3-4 months because they were between houses and had no place to stay, complicated situation. It was a nightmare. At some point my daughter, little at the time, asked 杜om when are they moving out so it can be quiet again? Lol

Try to focus on the ocean, being outside and staying on neutral topics so you can survive 6 days.
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Default Jul 10, 2024 at 08:31 AM
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I can definitely relate to having a difficult father lol. I知 sorry you have to deal with that. The problem is, whether I stick to neutral ground or not, my dad will escalate it. He likes to push my buttons. And when he痴 sitting right in front of me, there痴 really no way to steer the conversation to more neutral ground because he痴 very obsessive once he痴 on a track, he doesn稚 get off.

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Default Jul 10, 2024 at 12:21 PM
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I can definitely relate to having a difficult father lol. I知 sorry you have to deal with that. The problem is, whether I stick to neutral ground or not, my dad will escalate it. He likes to push my buttons. And when he痴 sitting right in front of me, there痴 really no way to steer the conversation to more neutral ground because he痴 very obsessive once he痴 on a track, he doesn稚 get off.

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Grey rock. Nod. Don稚 engage. Took me years to figure out what works. Nothing else seems to.
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Default Jul 10, 2024 at 02:08 PM
  #5
I have similar issues with my mum (my dad痴 the easy going enabler) she can press the buttons and also is very rigid about sticking to her guns. She also doesn稚 consider others view points/perspective- my way or the highway. I still love her (and I actually feel sorry for her because it痴 not a nice way to be) but it痴 not an easy relationship.

I think the fact you (and I) have developed wider perspectives despite our upbringing is something we can be proud of.

Not reacting to button pushing is a skill, one I haven稚 fully developed yet. Grey rocking sounds like something to work on.

Good luck for your visit, are there other places and people you can spend time with so you池e out and about as much as possible?
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Default Jul 10, 2024 at 02:41 PM
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I have similar issues with my mum (my dad痴 the easy going enabler) she can press the buttons and also is very rigid about sticking to her guns. She also doesn稚 consider others view points/perspective- my way or the highway. I still love her (and I actually feel sorry for her because it痴 not a nice way to be) but it痴 not an easy relationship.

I think the fact you (and I) have developed wider perspectives despite our upbringing is something we can be proud of.

Not reacting to button pushing is a skill, one I haven稚 fully developed yet. Grey rocking sounds like something to work on.

Good luck for your visit, are there other places and people you can spend time with so you池e out and about as much as possible?

Thanks for understanding, and I appreciate the kudos unfortunately, I left the east for a reason, and I致e parted ways with everyone I used to hang out with who still lives there. The only reason I go back there at all is for family.

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Default Jul 10, 2024 at 02:45 PM
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Grey rock. Nod. Don稚 engage. Took me years to figure out what works. Nothing else seems to.

Sorry to be ignorant, but what exactly is grey rocking?

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Default Jul 10, 2024 at 03:00 PM
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I'm another one who understands. I live on another content and haven't been back in years. The last time I went I definitely didn't enjoy the experience. They also retired to a state I dislike and they're the only people I know there, so there's no getting a break.


There's always been something off about my mother (personality disorder probably?) and she definitely likes to push my buttons. These days she has dementia, which has just made her nastier. My dad is more easy going but also is an enabler.

I can't imagine spending thousands of dollars and taking 2-3 flights to deal with that.

I haven't tried the grey rocking some have mentioned here, but I know it's been helpful for some people. Maybe you can read up on that before your trip. I did a quick google search and there's a lot of information available.
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Default Jul 10, 2024 at 03:44 PM
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Sorry to be ignorant, but what exactly is grey rocking?

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Don稚 engage. They try to get you to argue with them so they can get satisfaction from it. Don稚 give the satisfaction. Nod. Say ok. Oh I see. Got you. That痴 nice

If they ask questions and wait for your answers so they can attack you, make answers non committing: I am not sure, don稚 remember, I forgot.

It doesn稚 mean you agree with their BS. You just don稚 engage.

So you are just being like a grey rock. You there but not engaging
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Default Jul 10, 2024 at 03:50 PM
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I'm another one who understands. I live on another content and haven't been back in years. The last time I went I definitely didn't enjoy the experience. They also retired to a state I dislike and they're the only people I know there, so there's no getting a break.


There's always been something off about my mother (personality disorder probably?) and she definitely likes to push my buttons. These days she has dementia, which has just made her nastier. My dad is more easy going but also is an enabler.

I can't imagine spending thousands of dollars and taking 2-3 flights to deal with that.

I haven't tried the grey rocking some have mentioned here, but I know it's been helpful for some people. Maybe you can read up on that before your trip. I did a quick google search and there's a lot of information available.
My brother and I are convinced that our dad has personality disorder. 99% that he does. He mellowed out with age but it痴 still there

I don稚 always succeed in grey rocking. When I engage in arguments or what not, I always regret later. There痴 no point. He値l never change
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Default Jul 10, 2024 at 03:54 PM
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My dad is convinced I have memory issues because my response to a lot of topics that have potential to start an argument is 的 forgot or I don稚 remember. I agreed with him that my memory is really bad (it isn稚, but it痴 my way to avoid arguments).
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Default Jul 11, 2024 at 08:24 AM
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I had a very difficult time communicating with my parents when I was a young adult. As I grew into my own, it became apparent while we had some shared values, we ultimately were different people on many issues that move people emotionally. What I (and my parents) had to learn to do over time is understand we were now all adults with different life experiences. They grew up in a different environment with different challenges than myself when they were young. So that crafted allot of attitudes and perspectives that I didn't share. So what we did is learn to respect those differences by avoiding hot topics where we could not find agreement and accentuate the positive. It took time to get everyone on the same page but it made for a much more productive and positive experience when we got together. Give your parents lots of love, but respectfully back them off from topics that make you uncomfortable, It takes time to find the language to make this operate effectively but you will find it with each of them over time. The key is to always be respectful in their space and they will figure it out in time.
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Default Jul 11, 2024 at 08:27 AM
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I had a very difficult time communicating with my parents when I was a young adult. As I grew into my own, it became apparent while we had some shared values, we ultimately were different people on many issues that move people emotionally. What I (and my parents) had to learn to do over time is understand we were now all adults with different life experiences. They grew up in a different environment with different challenges than myself when they were young. So that crafted allot of attitudes and perspectives that I didn't share. So what we did is learn to respect those differences by avoiding hot topics where we could not find agreement and accentuate the positive. It took time to get everyone on the same page but it made for a much more productive and positive experience when we got together. Give your parents lots of love, but respectfully back them off from topics that make you uncomfortable, It takes time to find the language to make this operate effectively but you will find it with each of them over time. The key is to always be respectful in their space and they will figure it out in time.

I get what you池e saying, but although i will respect them in their space, I really don稚 think my dad can adjust in the way that you mean. He痴 very inflexible. My mom will try because she痴 a people-pleaser and hates conflict. But my dad is really stunted in a lot of those areas.

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Default Jul 15, 2024 at 08:44 AM
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I get what you池e saying, but although i will respect them in their space, I really don稚 think my dad can adjust in the way that you mean. He痴 very inflexible. My mom will try because she痴 a people-pleaser and hates conflict. But my dad is really stunted in a lot of those areas.

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I completely understand. My dad was highly opinionated and heavily involved in church. As a result, he was very inflexible because he had this moral checklist on any subject we discussed which made it nearly predictable where any conversation could go. So finding common ground was like digging a hole to China.

In retrospect I'm VERY glad I did it though, because after he died, I was able to look back with comfort and realize I did tell him everything I ever wanted to say. Whether we were in a good moment or a less favorable one, he always knew I loved him and I made sure to thank him for raising me.

When you're in the fog of conflict, its hard to find good things to highlight. But when they're gone forever, its amazing how quickly you find those good things. And your next thought is always whether they knew about those good things. Did you tell them everything you ever wanted them to know or feel?

And I know this isn't really giving you that immediate answer you desire and I'm sorry I could not be more helpful to you. But I just wanted to perhaps give you a sign on that mile marker of life that lies straight ahead. Salvage what you can and make the most of it while they're here. One day this will all pass. How you handle it today will factor greatly in how you reflect later. You sound like a great person. I'm sure it will work out. I wish you much happiness.
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