I’m Dreading Late August

I’m going home to visit my folks in late August, and I’m starting to realize that I really don’t want to. I love swimming in the ocean and being with my parents’ cats, but I honestly don’t want to be around my parents. I know that sounds awful, but I don’t think I can take it right now. My mom has become very neurotic recently, and she dumps her emotional baggage on me a lot and asks me what she should do, why this is happening, why she feels this way… basically, I’m her therapist. And she already has a therapist, but she says the therapist isn’t helpful. And knowing my mom like I do, I can say with damn near 100% certainty that it’s because she doesn’t work constructively with the therapist. She’s not great at putting in the work to get better. I’ve suggested that she go to a dietician as well to deal with her eating disorder. She’s been referred to one and she’s reached out, apparently, so that’s something. Whether she continues to pursue it is another story. As for my dad, I really can’t stand him at this point. He tries to boss me around and tell me how to live my life when a) I’m 38 ****ing years old, b) he knows nothing about anything outside of his field, and c) he hasn’t a ******* inkling of what I want and how I want to live my life, nor has he ever tried to find out. He’s an obnoxious, obtuse, snobby, elitist savant who doesn’t have a ****ing clue and who looks down on anyone who doesn’t have a graduate degree. I’ve told my mom how I feel, and she says one of two things 1) “What can I say…?” and 2) “He DOES love you…” BOTH of which are really wearing thin on me at this point. Whether or not he loves me is not the issue… I KNOW he loves me. Or at least, he loves me as best he can. The issue is that he’s a flaming idiot. Ugh. And I simply don’t know how I’m going to handle being around both of them and their unique brands of crazy for six days without losing my temper. I can’t avoid them when I’m staying in their house. I just worry that things will be said… probably by me, and almost certainly with a lot of cussing.

Also, I can’t believe I’ve posted two threads on here in one night.

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I hear you. No fun. I have extremely difficult father. My mother wasn’t difficult, she was an Enabler, but she passed away.

Mine lives near by and is a hoarder and I am currently cleaning out his house because it became a hazard. He’s getting old but is still extremely sharp mentally.

Few years back, I think I was about your age, my parents had to stay in my house for 3-4 months because they were between houses and had no place to stay, complicated situation. It was a nightmare. At some point my daughter, little at the time, asked “mom when are they moving out so it can be quiet again?” Lol

Try to focus on the ocean, being outside and staying on neutral topics so you can survive 6 days.

I can definitely relate to having a difficult father lol. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. The problem is, whether I stick to neutral ground or not, my dad will escalate it. He likes to push my buttons. And when he’s sitting right in front of me, there’s really no way to steer the conversation to more neutral ground because he’s very obsessive— once he’s on a track, he doesn’t get off.

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Grey rock. Nod. Don’t engage. Took me years to figure out what works. Nothing else seems to.

I have similar issues with my mum (my dad’s the easy going enabler) she can press the buttons and also is very rigid about sticking to her guns. She also doesn’t consider others view points/perspective- my way or the highway. I still love her (and I actually feel sorry for her because it’s not a nice way to be) but it’s not an easy relationship.

I think the fact you (and I) have developed wider perspectives despite our upbringing is something we can be proud of.

Not reacting to button pushing is a skill, one I haven’t fully developed yet. Grey rocking sounds like something to work on.

Good luck for your visit, are there other places and people you can spend time with so you’re out and about as much as possible?

Thanks for understanding, and I appreciate the kudos unfortunately, I left the east for a reason, and I’ve parted ways with everyone I used to hang out with who still lives there. The only reason I go back there at all is for family.

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Sorry to be ignorant, but what exactly is grey rocking?

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I'm another one who understands. I live on another content and haven't been back in years. The last time I went I definitely didn't enjoy the experience. They also retired to a state I dislike and they're the only people I know there, so there's no getting a break.


There's always been something off about my mother (personality disorder probably?) and she definitely likes to push my buttons. These days she has dementia, which has just made her nastier. My dad is more easy going but also is an enabler.

I can't imagine spending thousands of dollars and taking 2-3 flights to deal with that.

I haven't tried the grey rocking some have mentioned here, but I know it's been helpful for some people. Maybe you can read up on that before your trip. I did a quick google search and there's a lot of information available.

Don’t engage. They try to get you to argue with them so they can get satisfaction from it. Don’t give the satisfaction. Nod. Say ok. Oh I see. Got you. That’s nice

If they ask questions and wait for your answers so they can attack you, make answers non committing: I am not sure, don’t remember, I forgot.

It doesn’t mean you agree with their BS. You just don’t engage.

So you are just being like a grey rock. You there but not engaging

My brother and I are convinced that our dad has personality disorder. 99% that he does. He mellowed out with age but it’s still there

I don’t always succeed in grey rocking. When I engage in arguments or what not, I always regret later. There’s no point. He’ll never change

My dad is convinced I have memory issues because my response to a lot of topics that have potential to start an argument is “I forgot or I don’t remember”. I agreed with him that my memory is really bad (it isn’t, but it’s my way to avoid arguments).

I had a very difficult time communicating with my parents when I was a young adult. As I grew into my own, it became apparent while we had some shared values, we ultimately were different people on many issues that move people emotionally. What I (and my parents) had to learn to do over time is understand we were now all adults with different life experiences. They grew up in a different environment with different challenges than myself when they were young. So that crafted allot of attitudes and perspectives that I didn't share. So what we did is learn to respect those differences by avoiding hot topics where we could not find agreement and accentuate the positive. It took time to get everyone on the same page but it made for a much more productive and positive experience when we got together. Give your parents lots of love, but respectfully back them off from topics that make you uncomfortable, It takes time to find the language to make this operate effectively but you will find it with each of them over time. The key is to always be respectful in their space and they will figure it out in time.

I get what you’re saying, but although i will respect them in their space, I really don’t think my dad can adjust in the way that you mean. He’s very inflexible. My mom will try because she’s a people-pleaser and hates conflict. But my dad is really stunted in a lot of those areas.

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I completely understand. My dad was highly opinionated and heavily involved in church. As a result, he was very inflexible because he had this moral checklist on any subject we discussed which made it nearly predictable where any conversation could go. So finding common ground was like digging a hole to China.

In retrospect I'm VERY glad I did it though, because after he died, I was able to look back with comfort and realize I did tell him everything I ever wanted to say. Whether we were in a good moment or a less favorable one, he always knew I loved him and I made sure to thank him for raising me.

When you're in the fog of conflict, its hard to find good things to highlight. But when they're gone forever, its amazing how quickly you find those good things. And your next thought is always whether they knew about those good things. Did you tell them everything you ever wanted them to know or feel?

And I know this isn't really giving you that immediate answer you desire and I'm sorry I could not be more helpful to you. But I just wanted to perhaps give you a sign on that mile marker of life that lies straight ahead. Salvage what you can and make the most of it while they're here. One day this will all pass. How you handle it today will factor greatly in how you reflect later. You sound like a great person. I'm sure it will work out. I wish you much happiness.