Seriously Reconsidering

So I had a rather nice phone conversation with my dad this afternoon -- he was quite sweet and was as complimentary about me and my chosen life path as I think he will ever be. But now he and my mom are both ripping into me because my friend and I want to drive the Pan-American Highway from Alaska to Ushuaia in Argentina. My parents are freaking out because, obviously, we would be driving through Mexico and Central America, and they are worried about the crime and the possibility of me getting kidnapped or murdered there. I tried... I really, really tried to reason with my mom. I told her I love her and I don't want to scare her, but a) this wouldn't be happening for some time anyway until I have the funds for it, b) we still haven't finalized our route, c) although yes, parts of Mexico and Central America are indeed dangerous, you do your research beforehand and use common sense and you will be less likely to find yourself in a bad predicament, d) I've traveled before, so I'm not green e) people drive the PAH all the time and get back unscathed, f) I would be with at least one other person, maybe a few more g) I want to start traveling again and see the world, and h) there is no point in living at all if you don't spread your wings and get out of your comfort zone. Obviously, I would learn Spanish, and I am already a part of groups on fb for the PAH, so I am following other people's experiences. Well, my mom still didn't like that and said she wanted me to do a guided tour instead. **** ME... I am not some bougie, yuppie boomer from the 'burbs who enjoys that crap. And anyway, I reminded her that when I did a guided tour through the Sistine Chapel in 2008, the tour guide lost me. I had to find my own way back to the hotel in Rome. Well, she got mad and then began guilting me because she grew up poor and she's sorry her lifestyle isn't good enough for me. I retaliated by saying that she was doing to me exactly what Gran used to do to her, only instead of Gran guilting my mom about being able to go to college, my mom is now guilting me about having grown up in the middle class. It's exactly the same thing. We ended the conversation pretty much on that note. And the heart palpitations I got last night when thinking about my dad being a jackass came right back. I had to go take a bath in cool water to bring myself down. This is not good. It's not healthy. And if it keeps up, I am going to cancel my trip back home. It's in less than two weeks, and I was looking forward to getting away. I really was. But if I go into fight-or-flight mode like this every time I interact with them, that is bad. I'm already wound ridiculously tight from the stress at the job I hate. I need to stop letting them get me riled up like this because this isn't good.

You could plan it and go through with it and just not tell her. If you're with other people and have plans to check in with people when/where you can that aren't on the trip with you (obviously not your parents), it sounds reasonable. Why not cancel the trip back home? Because taking care of yourself would upset them? If you want to get away, there are other places (as you obviously know).

I could never drive from Alaska to the equator in one trip though. Too much climate/weather difference in too short a time period but hey, be prepped for anything that might happen, and have a good time. You don't need your parents' approval for everything.

Honestly if it’s a future plan for a trip that isn’t happening tomorrow, I see no need to discuss it or share. If you do share and they say it’s unsafe or what not, just say you’ll consider it and you’ll think about it etc and just move on.

I have no doubts your parents are a piece of work. But to all honesty, I don’t think your mom says it because she thinks you are boogie boomer or incapable of good choices, but because parents do worry regardless of their kids age or status or independence level. That’s just normal. Trust me. Some parents are more vocal about it than others but the point stands.

If you visit your parents or even if you don’t and just have conversations, you might want to limit topics you discuss. Unless they must know something, there’s no need to discuss.

Ultimately you’ll go to vacations of your choice and work jobs that you want. Their opinion isn’t going to change it. You don’t need their permission. So discussing topics that leave you upset and cause friction is just pointless.

It’s not Alaska to the equator, it’s Alaska to practically Antarctica and i would want them to know for safety purposes— the more people who know about where I am heading on that day, the more people who will be able to intervene and help if there is a life-threatening issue.

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You need to find more "safety" people because your parents cannot handle the plans of their adult child appropriately. And in the future, you cannot share any information that will cause them to battle you.

At this point, you become the parent and they become the children, and you censor what information about your life they have access to.

Cancel the trip home, tell them why. Just like when children misbehave, there are consequences to that, and this is their consequence.

I know. Can read. I'm just saying depending on what time of year you go (close to spring/fall equinoxes) there's going to be the greatest variance of weather b/t Alaska and the equator during your journey.

But you don't need people that aren't helpful to know where you are if you have people who are helpful to know since you said you were going with other people and I'm assuming between all of you, y'all know more people than your parents.

Very true, MuddyBoots. And you’re correct that I do know more people than my parents. Sometimes I really wonder why I tell them anything at all. I shouldn’t anymore. We’re just such a close-knit group, for better or worse. But at this point, it’s for the worse.

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I like that idea and your thinking.

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I just want to say a big thank you to everyone who is responding— I really and truly feel like I’m being heard here. That’s more than I can say for my folks.

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You're right - some parents accept separation from their kids. Some don't. IDKY. It seems reasonable and rational to expect our parents to accept our reasonable and rational (to our minds) explanations. It seems to be a proof of our own rightmindedness. We think we need for them to accept and approve that we are rightminded, otherwise we are wrong?

"Taking responsibility" for yourself means accepting responsibility for your decisions. For exampke, the big trip. All you would need your parents for is to accept your body to be shipped home if the worst happens, if thats what you decide.

They are not part of your team. They want you to be part of THEIR team, but the rules chafe too much. But they absolutely refuse to be part of your team.

Sorry I don’t know about accepting kids bodies shipped to us. That’s not something even remotely possible to accept. Separating is reasonable but most sane people never fully stop worrying.

But I think some parents never learn to keep their mouth shut with their opinions about their kids’ business. If they are the kind that have no decency to keep their opinions to themselves, it’s wise to share as little as possible. Or right before if need to or after.

I always share everything after the fact or right before. Hey I just bought a house yesterday. I just filed for divorce. I am getting married in a month, undisclosed location lol

My daughter shares with me but it’s because I keep my mouth shut when I am not too happy with her decisions. If I am not asked for advice, I don’t offer one.

Oh yeah i didnt mean "accept" that way there! I meant in terms of, like accepting a delivery. Sorry!

Ahhh English. More words, please!

(please don't make us gender nouns though)

Hahaha that makes sense!