In the Dark

Things are not good... I am feeling really raw tonight. Good thing I have a kitty; she has been nuzzling me, kissing me, comforting me... it does help. I really hope my therapist doesn't cancel on me for tomorrow's session-- I really, really need to talk to her and I cannot handle being dicked over by yet another person this week. She's been canceling our sessions semi-regularly, and while I really like her and I understand that life happens, I need a therapist on whom I can depend to hold regular sessions with me.

Let's start with my job -- I got a new job in another closed-door pharmacy. The hours will be more to my liking once I complete training this week... if I make it that long. I started there this past Wednesday, and their idea of training is ****ing pathetic. They use a lot of automated dispensing machines in this pharmacy, and while I have worked on automation machines in pharmacies before (I was actually Lead Automation Tech in one of the previous pharmacies where I've worked), the machines here, not to mention the interface, protocols, technology, and software are very different from anything I've worked with before. On my first day, I was helping another tech on one of them for half a day, and then for the rest of the day I was running that machine solo. The next day I ran it solo all day. Friday I was at a different part of the pharmacy where we fill the Rx's by hand; the Lead tech literally spent all of five minutes showing me what to do and then left me on my own. While a baptism by fire can sometimes be an effective way to learn, it is not real, legit training. Also, their equipment frequently breaks down or just plain doesn't work. I am not sure how much of this I will be able to stand. Sometimes I just fantasize about throwing my badge on the floor of my boss's office with theatrical flair and walking out. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel at a loss -- I've had so many jobs in such a short time. I know job-hopping is frowned upon, and I think my one saving grace has been that I work in healthcare, a field in which we are eternally understaffed. That and the fact that I am a good employee -- I work hard, I do my job well, I show up when I'm supposed to, I work well with others, etc. But is it worth it at this point? I'm not getting any younger. I feel like I'm wasting away in pharmacy.

Now, let's talk about relationships -- I have had nothing but bad experiences this whole week. Last Saturday, a guy came over to help me with some installations in my condo. We'd gone out a few times a few years ago and he was kind of an asshole, so it didn't last. He has since apologized and asked if we can try again. Well, we have tried again. He is nicer than he used to be, but the communication sucks. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. He's not emotionally available either. Also, the sex was terrible -- I'm not exactly tallying that because I know he wasn't feeling well that day. But it still was terrible. So I am not going to continue this with him. He's not a bad guy, but he's not what I need right now. Last Sunday, my friend who stayed with me for a few weeks earlier this year was going to come over to help me dye my hair-- he ****ing flaked out on me at the last minute. We are not speaking currently as a result. So I dyed my hair on my own (and it looks amazing, lol). Last night, against my better judgment, I agreed to go on a date after work with a guy I had only gone on one date with prior, but he seemed cool and smart and nice. So we had planned on meeting at this well-reviewed tao place in Boulder. I get there and I am starving and tired, it's a Friday night in a college town, so there's noise and flashing lights and students/tourists everywhere... and I find out that he did not bother to make reservations. HE was the one who chose this place, not me. I had never heard of it before. They told me it was an hour and a half wait time at the restaurant with no reservation. So I texted him and let him know. He texts me back saying he's running late because he had driven his friend to the airport. JESUS ****ING CHRIST. I'm stressed, exhausted, hungry, and now I am seriously ****ing pissed. If you agree to the time and the place for our date, BE THERE AT THAT TIME. I tell him if he's not here in fifteen minutes I am leaving. His response: "Okay." Oh, and he was late for our first date too. WHAT THE **** MAN?! So I went home, got a massive calzone from Blackjack Pizza, devoured it, and then felt horrifically sick for the rest of the night.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????? What am I doing wrong? I can't seem to win. In my career, in my relationships... Why do I just seem to attract raving douchebags? Why can't I do something that I love for work that actually pays me a living wage? I'm not greedy, I don't need much. I'm just so angry and miserable. I mean, is it bad juju or something? What the ****ing hell? I am just sick of being taken for granted and treated like an afterthought.

@indigo1015

I'm so sorry your therapist is flaking out on you (that's not fair) and that the guys are flaking out on you. Try reading Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue, she talks about a lot of "types" of guys including a s s clowns and how to value yourself so you don't fall in with these guys in the first place.

It's good you left the restaurant and got takeout and ate at home.

Sometimes it's better to be in our own company with our fur-baby.

If you weren't in pharmacy and money was not an isssue, what would you be doing?

Have you thought of having a life coach?

Thanks for understanding and the kind words— I will check that book out. A life coach sounds like it would be expensive. at least my therapist didnt flake on me this time. And I agree with you completely that sometimes we (and our furbabies!) are our own best company!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

In terms of dating, change your pattern. You keep going out with guys who already proved who they are. You even acknowledge how you go "against my better judgment". That is not bad juju but your decision making process.

So, make different choices and listen to your 'better judgment'.