Trauma Bond Theory: From An Abusive Relationship

I have a theory about the trauma bond. My theory is that the more powerful the love bombing is, the harder the fall and the stronger the trauma bond becomes.

The basis of my theory is the following. I separated not once but twice from my ex narc husband. The first separation happened because he cheated, so I kicked him out of our home. He love bombed me over the next 8 months, until I finally gave in. He wore me down. The way he wore me down was he used religion to make me believe in him again. He said he prayed to Jesus and God the whole 8 months, and had a "coming to Jesus" moment. He said that in prayer he promised God and Jesus that he would ONLY treat me with love and respect at ALL times. Because of my own faith as a Christian, I wanted to believe him, and so I put my faith into him a second time. He said he would go to individual and couples therapy and would work on his issues. I wanted to believe him.

That to me, is the ultimate love bomb. A coming to Jesus moment? Man, did I feel foolish, a year later. He had moved back in and again, 8 months later, I kicked him out for the final time because he started fighting with me every week for 6 weeks straight. I had even written him an ultimatum letter for our couples therapy appt, which he ignored. In that letter, I said on no uncertain terms that the fights HAD to STOP, and that this is NOT the marriage I had signed up for. He clearly was NOT working on his anger in therapy, and I found in our couples therapy that he was simply just manipulating our therapist and making me out to be the villain. He continued to fight with me, even after reading my letter. Then I kicked him out because he was not living up to his promise to Jesus, God, or to me.

So the trauma bond for me has been particularly hard to break. And I trace this back to his coming to Jesus and God. He used those weapons against me, knowing that I am a believer and am strong in my faith. So the fall has been that much more painful and hard.

His love bombing also consisted of "queen Erin day" every weekend or on Sundays. So he would designate Sundays as my day to be treated like a queen. He would buy me flowers and take me out for a nice brunch or dinner and treat me. We would do whatever I wanted that day. Him buying me flowers all the time and our "queen Erin" days were also trauma bond "hooks". And those hooks still have me hooked.

So that's my theory.. the stronger the love bombing, the harder the fall and the harder it is to break the trauma bond.

Thank you so much for what you wrote. I am going to read your post again and give it some deep thought! Thanks you again.

Thank you - please do share any thoughts, input, or additional perspective. I am glad this made you ponder or examine it further.

Another theory - that the trauma bond is analagous to how a rubber band works.

This is what I wrote in response to an abuse victim of narc abuse, on a different forum:

The trauma bond is like a rubber band. It expands when you feel like you need to and want to distance, and then it snaps you back suddenly because you want the good parts of them to come back and be permanent. With narcs, this is only a temporary "niceness" to pull you back in, make you want them again, and to keep you under his control so he can just tart to devalue, demean, and insult you all over again. Know and accept that this good side is only a facade - it is not real. It is not who he truly is, deep within. Deep within, he is a monster who does not have your best interests at heart or in mind. He is out to destroy, instead, and serve only his own needs. These acts of kindness are not truly for YOU - they are manipulations that only serve and benefit HIM in the end. These are very hard truths to believe or even accept. It's so hard to think that someone we think we love, is actually aiming to hurt us instead, to suit their own fragile ego that needs to feel power over and in control of their victim. Think of the trauma bond as analogous to a rubber band, and just realize that you have only been snapped back in, which soon will turn into the need to distance yet again. The cycle is not healthy. His anger and entire persona are not healthy. Narcissism is a mental illness, after all - a personality disorder. This translates to mean that this person, this man you believe loves you, is not mentally stable, emotionally healthy, and in fact, has little conscience in terms of the depth of the harm he inflicts upon YOU. The more you hammer reality into your head, the less likely the rubber band will continue to snap and reel you back in.